Thursday, December 31, 2009

Hatin On Traffic...

Hey gangsta booties it's your girl!! Dude I am totes hatin on traffic...this could possibly be the second time for this rant! I was just at a bball game, yes my damn team won...why...cause your gangsta girl was there. Not only was I there, but so was the rest of the town. The traffic was horrid! Not to mention the people were bumpin and pushin.

Lesson Of The Day: Stay inside, people are the worst.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Hatin on Baggage

Hey ya'll it's your damn girl Harlem. You can call off the search party, I'm alive! Your girl is sittin here again at the damn airport wishin she wasn't so damn poor. If I had some bills I would hire me a damn muscular assistant to fly cross country with me just to carry my damn bags. I swear I broke my shoulder, neck, back, teets, and toes. The other gangstas at the airport think I'm puttin on a comedy act. They are laughin at me as I waddle by with my huge arse bag and then an additional bag that holds my Doogie Howler. WTF ya'll.

Lesson Of The Day: Wear a back brace when travelin.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Hatin on Crazies

Hey ya'll it's your girl bloggin remotely from my berry. I'm on vacay for 2 weeks and am gonna try and keep up with the bloggy blog. My Doogie is at the airport with me shoved in a lil bag, poor guy!

Anyways, today I am totes hatin on crazies. I was at the drive thru yesterday pickin up some damn tacos and this crazy starts yellin at me. She screamed, "Hurry up, Come on!" Oh hell no she could not be cluckin at me. I looked out the damn window and she was! She screamed again to hurry. I thought, Bitch don't make me get out this damn car. I yelled at her, "Are you kidding me? Shut the fuck up, I'm orderin my damn food fool!" I swear some peeps need a damn chill pill!

Lesson Of The Day: Patience people can be a damn blessin!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Hatin on Drinkin

UGHHHH....what a weekend ya'll. Your girl Harlem was jammed packed with a To-Do-List that was a mile long....unfortunately my non boy toy, boy toy was not on that list :( Anywhoozle, I got completely blitztastic on Saturday night. This reminded me why I hate drinkin. Every time I think it's a brilliant idea. I have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 100 margaritas and then I wake up suicidal the next morning.

Saturday night the Christmas Partay was brilliant. It was Mexican themed and catered. The food was To Die For. There were mini empanadas, quesadillas, tacos, carnitas...AND....best of all....Margarita machines. Since they were personal machines they were loaded with tequila and a splash of sweetness. Your girl was floatin like a damn Goodwill blimp. I feel no hate what so ever, I clearly am not responsible for my actions. When I am sauced I love everyone. I don't remember anyone's names, but I go up to them and confess my love. Not to mention I ALWAYS bust arse. I am standin completely still in my mini dress and 4 inch heels, and then BAM, your girl falls to the floor laughing...scraped my damn knees and all. I feel no pain, have no energy to fight with anyone, life is good. I wish I could always be nonchalant like that, no worries, it's an amazing feeling.

Fast Forward to the next mornin....Sunday, or Hell Day as I call it. I woke up with a headache, stomachache, and eyes a burnin. I stayed in bed off and on for hours before I rolled out from under the covers like a beached whale. The only thing I felt like doin was gettin a coffee and takin a brisk walk because it was freezing outside. So all of this doesn't sound to incredibly bad, except for the fact I completely lost track of time. It took me so long to get up and actually get movin that I still had all these errands to run and only a few hours to do them. Not to mention, since I was so lost on time I forgot to contact my brosky and boy toy. I kept sayin to myself...."girl you just gotta finish this and then call them..." Yea it didn't work out that way, the next thing I knew it was 5 hours later and I still hadn't called! Did I mention I was runnin around town with swollen eye balls and greasy bed head? I swear someone stopped me and offered me money cause they thought I was homeless!

Then to calm down from a hectic day I went walkin at the park again at night time. I was just finishin up when it turned dark. This dude is slowly followin me on this lil midgie bike. I turned around and he rides right up next to your girl and peddles while staring. He's lucky I didn't have my damn nine, cause I was bout to bust a cap in his ass. So then since I am a lot of talk and no action I started runnin. The Mo Fo started peddlin faster. I know I am drop dead gorgi, but are you F-ing kidding me???? Umm, do I look like a damn marathon runner? He finally stopped and just started laughing. I swear to god I should've pummeled that Douche. I guess to look on the bright side (which I rarely do) he gave me a good work out, but not in a good way ;0)

Lesson Of The Day: Do not drink the night before a day of chores...it's worst punishment then being grounded!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hatin on Cats That Copy

Hey ya'll, it's your girl Harlem back in action....woo boy am I sweaten to those damn oldies! Let me just tell ya'll how much I hate cats that copy. I know your girl is brilliant, unique, and totes hilar...but do you seriously gotta copy my shiz? If I had all my damn sayins copyrighted I would make a milly and a half. I would be able to peace out of Mc D's sooo fast I'd get a damn speedin ticket.

I should start makin Harlem t-shirts with my sayins, twits, and blogs so peeps can't take my damn material! Even Paris Hilton stole my shiz...who do you think started the phrase "loves it"....ME...HARLEM! Any ideas on how I can market this big, beautiful woman? I have to up my visitors as well!
Lesson Of The Day: Keep your trap door shut before some unoriginal Lamester banks off your idea!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hatin on Facebook

UGH ya'll, I am totes hatin on Facebook today. This damn interweb site causes so much trouble it gives me a damn headache. When it comes to relationships, I truly think Facebook can break a couple up. I have first hand experience with the troubles it caused between my previous 2 EX's.

First of all, can you please chill out with the status updates. Does anyone really need to know that your child bites hard when you're breast feeding? It's just as bad as the women that whip their damn teet out in the middle of Denny's! And what is up with people who have their EX's pictures plastered all over facebook when they are with a new person??? Facebook ain't no damn photo album for your life, take that shit down and show some damn respect for your new Hoe. The only reason to even keep your ex on Facebook is to A. either make them jealous, or B. you actually still have some sort of feelins there...but if you ask me A and B go hand in hand…regardless, it’s unnecessary and only causes drama.

One of my ex's, we'll call him DB #1, knew I had Facebook/MySpace. That Mo Fo was on those damn sites for 6 months before I found out and he STILL didn't add me as a friend. WTF arse, you probably have "single" as your relationship status. That's a clear red flag that he was hidin shiz. Another ex, we'll call him Psycho #1, was pushin me to change my damn relationship status from single to taken. Of course I never did...why??? Because I was a shady Mo Fo that didn't want other guys to know I was taken! If you’re with someone, you should want people to see you are taken, and you should want pictures and sweet messages up...if that changes, there is a problem. This same Psycho went to this party and told me no girls were aloud and that's why I wasn't invited. A week later I saw a picture of his dirty ass gettin a lap dance from this skank at some bar. The picture was posted on his friends Facebook page. Believe it or not, your girl Harlem did not freak out. I simply showed him the pict and said, "what's up with this". First mistake, he lied and said it wasn't him. Hmmmm, I may work at Mc D's, but I am no fool. So when he finally owned up to it, he then blamed it on me sayin I was snooping. What the F dip shit, it was on your friends public page! My philosophy is...it isn't snooping if you have nothing to hide. Also...just a tip, I guarantee you that gangstas see your activity on Facebook before you have time to delete the "update" message off your wall. If you're doin nothin wrong, then why hide it?

Lesson Of The Day: Delete Facebook, its way more trouble then its worth! Maybe I'll be deletin mine today.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hatin on Xmas

Normally your girl is all into the merryness of Christmas, but not this year...Bah Humbug! I don't want to be visited by any Christmas spirits or anything, but damn I am so not feelin it. See why below...

1. I have no damn money to buy gifts, which seems expected this time of year.

2. Why exchange gifts with friends? It's like buyin yourself somethin, but it's not what you really wanted.

3. What in the hell do you get a boss who has everything when you have nothing?

4. You want me to spend how long with family?

5. I thought I mentioned I needed to diet....that's nearly impossible during this wretched holiday! Children at the mall already mistake me for Santa Claus...WTF ya'll I have boobs!

6. Give to the poor....I AM the poor!

7. The hanging of Christmas lights....ugh, too much energy required to take them out of the damn closet and hang them just for a week.

8. Christmas songs...Sadly enough I have learned to tune these out, just doesn't feel like Christmas this year.

9. All retail stores are packed this time of year and I hate people!

I wish cupid would come down and shoot me with a damn Christmas arrow so I could feel the love this year.

Lesson Of The Day: Tell strangers Merry Christmas...fug em if they get offended that "Christ" is in the damn word. Oh and Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night...LOL!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Hatin on Seafood Diet

Hey ya'll guess who's back in action...your girl Harlem, as if any of you 3 readers give a damn. Anyways, I am bloggy bloggin at the damn airport today, so please disregard any unusual spellings.

First off, I am on the seafood diet at the moment...I see food and I eat it. Well being at the airport doesn't help me break this diet, but fuels it instead.

How come every time you are at the airport food becomes even more of a drug? You have to have your snack from home(choc chip cookies), then you get here and have to buy chips, candy, and bubblegum. Of course you need to have a well balanced meal so you stop at Mc D's for "real" food. Forget layovers, because what else is there to do to kill time... Eat another balanced meal at The King Burg! What The Hell ya'll, your girl is taking down this plane with all the pounds she's packin!

Lesson Of The Day: If you're dietin, stay away from the airport!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

OOT

Hey all of my loyal lovers....just wanted to give ya'll a heads up that your girl is gonna be unhooked from the blogverse until Dec. 14th. Check back in on Monday for more hatin and debatin.....

No Lessons Today, what do I look like....a damn teacher?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Hatin on Guilt

Your girl is fumin mad today ya'll. I am totes hatin on guilt trips. My fam wonders why I don't tell them things....maybe it's because every time I do, they guilt me into doing something I don't want to.

For example, I was going to take a trip to their neck of the damn woods and not tell them. I only had two days with my non boy toy, boy toy and I knew they would want to delegate a certain amount of time for me to be with family. Of course, your girl ended up tellin the damn truth (always a bad idea). Guess what happened???? They have delegated one whole day of my two to be with family!!!! I already, on my own, delegated time to be with my brosky, but then they guilted me into seein my cousin and gramps. WTF people? You can't just stop by and say hi for 30 mins and peace out, they gotta be all up in your damn grill for hours! They reeled me in with the damn line about, "you don't know how much longer he'll live". SERIOUSLY?!?!? Can you be any more manipulative? Call me a selfish bitch, that's fine I agree, but at the same time why you still tryin to run my damn life?! Not to mention, gramps is comin to visit for Christmas in two weeks! Unfortunately, I am not as heartless as everyone thinks and will be stoppin by to see him....doesn't mean I'm not pissed about how it went down!

Lesson Of The Day: If I am keepin a secret from my family, trust that there is a really good reason why!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Hatin on Twitter

I am embarrassed to say this ya'll, but your girl has joined Twitter (http://twitter.com/harlemshaterade). What the hell is this world comin to that Harlem, of all people, has become a follower in society's "norm". I hate Twitter, but now that I have joined I suppose I am a hypocrite, but that's ok because I invented the double standard. I mean honestly, no one cares what you are doing 24 hours a day. I highly doubt anyone will even read my damn "twits" (I know its tweets, but I have to make it original). The only people who deserve to use Twitter are celebs...but then I suppose I could sell my autograph for 50 buckaroons which would put me at A-List status, right??
Also, I think Twitter is just another way for people to stalk you. Not only can they stalk you through Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, and even by googlin you, but now if you have Twitter they can know where you are every second of every day. If you see your girl Harlem stiff on the front page of the damn paper one day, tell my fam to sue Twitter! The t-shirt below will help you better understand my feelings on this subject. Actually every t-shirt on this site is perfect for your girl Harlem http://www.tshirthell.com/store/link.php?id=c25vdzJibGF6ZXM=

Lesson Of The Day: If you care, check out my new Twitter account (link above in first sentence, DUH!)

Friday, December 4, 2009

Hatin on Public Urination Stations

Hey ya'll. Today I am toastin a big glass of haterade to public restrooms. I was in one today and it lit a damn fire up in me, for real!

What is up with chicks peein on the damn seats? What’s the deal, are you standin to pee...maybe your Christmas wish for a penis came true. You must be goin to a damn fire if you're in that big of a hurry that you can't wait to finish before you get up and fling your damn diseased piss everywhere. Do I look like your mother? Do you think I want to clean up after your bodily fluids? Men aren't even that dirty, at least they can aim straight.

So not only did the urination stations have pee pee on them, but they weren't flushed either. WTF ya'll! Everybody drops mega loads, we get that, but nobody wants to see it!

Upon finishin my business, I then go to wash my hands. There are two sinks up in this place and one is being used properly, by someone washin their hands. The other one is taken up by this bitch to put on her damn makeup. Does it look like your damn vanity area? Bitch that make up isn't goin to make your ugly ass face look any better, so be kind and move over so my fat arse can wash my damn disease infested hands.

Lesson Of The Day: Use the men’s restroom its cleaner.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Hatin on Women

Well look who it is....it's your damn girl Harlem! Today I am totes hatin on bein a woman, see my examples on why it sucks havin a vajay.

1. I won't waste any time bein repetitive, so revisit the "Hatin on Shavin" from 10/22/09 and the recent "Hatin on Waxin".

2. Due to the above, showers take longer. It takes longer for girls to wash their hair because they use shampoo AND conditioner. Usually our hair is longer then the male species so it takes additional time to wash the entire product out. Also, we must shave our arm pits, legs (which takes an eternity), and in some cases your hoo haw. You can't forget to add in the standard amount of time just for the washin of the body. Once us women are out of the shower it takes a long time to dry our hair, style it, put lotion on, make up, and pick out clothes.
*Men only have to put some soap in their short hair, and wash their body. Some only shave their face and still manage to bitch about it. Boo Hoo pussy pants, try waxin, then you can cry!

3. It's more acceptable for a man to be overweight than a woman. If a woman is overweight she is expected to go on a milly diets and spend hours in the gym. If a man is overweight that means he has graduated from boyhood and is now found more sexy/more manly.

4. If a guy is feeling frisky and goes out and cheats on his woman, he then becomes a "hero". If a woman cheats, she just becomes a whore/hoe/slut, etc.

5. Women have to go through pregnancy. Not only do they have to monitor the male to make sure his swimmers don't escape, but then if any do...they have the burden of dealing with the lil bastard. Before pregnancy they have to deal with cravings, which lead to huge weight gain, moodiness, morning sickness, etc. Then they have to deal with the excruciating pain from being in labor and all of the gory details that go along with it. After the lil pea pod shoots out of the canal they then have the pleasure of breast feeding a baby that occasionally will pinch your nipple, again uncomfortable. Not to mention the nip leaks, or if you work you have to use a "lactation room" to pump. Also, the woman is the one that tends to get up late at night when this new joy is screamin at the top of its damn lungs. You also have the pleasure of trying to get rid of all of the baby weight you've gained, because god forbid your dick of a husband goes out and diddles the secretary...HA, what a hero!

6. Women have periods. With these comes cramps, tender teets, "occasional" moodiness, cravings, and did I mention blood...looks like a damn massacre!! All of which lasts a week if you're lucky. Once you are over this punishment you are given the blessing of menopause...HA, I won't even go there!

7. When men get wrinkles they are told that they get "sexier with age". When women get wrinkles they are directed to the nearest plastic surgeon. Again, this can lead the men to become a hero and diddle the cashier at the 99 Cent store!

8. Women have to see the Gynecologist yearly. We become violated by a stranger. Why can't they just teach boyfriends how to do this routine check up, it'd probably be wayyy more comfortable! Do I have to mention the "boob squish" test....yea, what a blessing it is to be a woman!

Lesson Of The Day: Ask Santa for a penis for Christmas, your life will be way easier.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Hatin on Waxin

Hey ya'll....sooo I did it....I decided to follow the "in" crowd and get a bikini wax. Here's the story of my adventure with Harriet (my home girl from Mc D's).

Harriet suggested it would be a lot easier if I got sauced first; it would help with the awkwardness of undressing in front of a complete stranger. So after a long day at Mc D's we went out for some drinks. Three tequila shots later your girl Harl was feelin no pain. Hell I could've gotten a damn bikini wax while jumpin out of a plane with no parachute on. Upon arriving to "Wendy's Waxin Wonderland", Lisa (the devil) called me into the back room to begin my transformation. Talk about awkward....she stood there and said she was ready and just stared at me. This is when the tequila shots came in handy. Normally your girl is all shy about strangers, but I stripped right down like it was my job, jumped on the bench, and spread em wide. All while sayin, "take it all off" (what was I thinkin).

Now the fun begins....Lisa spreads the wax on my bikini line and lays the first strip while talking about how she could tell I shave....RIIIIIIIP. I immediately think, WOW this isn't bad at all! Boy was I wrong...she continues searchin and rippin through my lady bits, layer after layer. I keep thinkin to myself, why the hell is she not wearin gloves. Call me immature, but how damn nasty it must be to touch a strangers Hernany with bare hands! Then after a majority of the rips she continually is showin me the damn hairy strip sayin, "it hurt so bad cause 3 hairs in one, next time not hurt so bad." Then she'd show me another, "look how many hairs in that one." Yea Lisa, thanks, not interested! Once she had finished mowin half of my snicker doodle she rubs it and says, "so soft, feel how soft." I shook my head and said, "yea, looks great." She yelped, "NOOO, feel!" She proceeded to grab my damn hand and rub it up and down on the bare spot. WTF Lisa! I get it...smooth...you're a pro, but was that necessary? The second half was a lot more painful because I was gettin really sore from the constant rippin of flesh and hair. So, just when I think she is finished she whips out the damn tweezers. She starts tweezin the lady bits! WTF, who the hell thought of that?!?!? Not to mention I am sore as hell so every little hair she tweezes feels like someone is rippin knives out of my cootie.

So experience over, right...WRONG again! She has me turn on my side. So, I roll over facing her. She says, "other way." So I roll over facin the wall, away from Lisa. At this point I am thinkin she is gonna have me scissor kick up to reach some hidden hairs....well these hairs were hidden alright. She takes her bare hands and spreads my damn butt cheeks and waxes away. That's right ladies and gents, this may be TMI, but she waxed my damn B-Hole! I didn't even get a warnin! I didn't even get asked if I wanted it, how violatin. And people have the audacity to question me when I say I don't like surprises.

So now I am done, bare as the day I was born. Talk about a sobering experience, no Alcoholics Anonymous classes needed, just take them to get waxed. I walked out to see Harriet with this huge smile on her face. I said, "Girl, you didn't mention them waxin the garbage disposal." She said, "I know, I figured it'd be better if you didn't know that minor detail." HA...Minor my arse...literally!

I was sore all of the next day. It felt like I had a damn sunburn. Plus, I developed a wax burn from my flesh bein ripped off. Some would think I was crazy, but I will definitely be givin Lisa a shout out in 2 weeks. Supposedly if you keep up with it, it lasts 6-8!

Lesson Of The Day: Use Bikini Zone cream (can be found at Target)...your shave bumps disappear immediately!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Hatin on Motherly Emails

Holla to all you haters out there, it's your girl Harlem. I know you bout had a damn heart attack because today is my second day in a row bloggin, that hasn't happened for weeks! Ok, so here's the dealio....my non boy toy, boy toy is/was in town for a Thanksgiving rendezvous and my ma knew this and decided to send me a lil "reminder" email (see below).

SUBJECT: Happy Turkey Day
"Nothing is 100% safe from STDs and pregnancy. Love You, Mom"


Of course this pisses your girl Harl off for many reasons, see my response email below.

SUBJECT: RE: Happy Turkey Day

"Happy Thanksgivin Ma
1. FYI, Abstinence is 100% safe from STDs and Pregnancy.
2. I am 25 and have been through so many required sex education classes throughout my whole life that I am pretty much an expert on sexual precautions.
3. I don't know why you are discriminatin against me for not being married. That being said, I have CC'ed Malika
(my married sis) on this email so she can be informed of this information as well.

Love You,
Harlem

P.S. I'm Pregnant, congrats grandma!"

Lesson Of The Day: Of course it is not fun to wear a raincoat when it's sunny outside, but it's a valid precaution to take in case of a sudden downpour. Oh and your girl does NOT have a bun in this oven!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Hatin on Everything


Hello to all my beautiful followers/visitors...I know it seems odd that your girl Harlem would be in such a good mood, but don't let my greeting fool you. Today I am hatin on everything! Is that even possible??? Everything and everyone are pissin me off. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and clearly I am stayin there. How do you get over a day like today? How do you get rid of anger that has been festering inside for days, weeks, months, years? I spoke to my sista this mornin and that helped for a total of 5 minutes. WTF, a 5 minute release? I swear I am gaining wrinkles by the second, which is an additional reason to be pissed. How could one person want so many things, and work hard at getting them and still feel like none are coming true? I'd like to think a vacation is all that is needed, but I just got back from three days off! I also wish I was in the Christmas spirit this year, but for some reason that is even depressing me today. Could someone please provide a solution before I lose my damn mind, or at least provide me with a stiff cocktail!

Lesson Of The Day: Find an outlet for your anger...like kick boxing...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Hatin on Birds

I am totally hatin on Thanksgivin. First of all, who really likes turkey that much???? Definitely not your girl Harl. I still have it for the "tradition" aspect of Thanksgiving, but it's a pain in the arse. You spend days/hours thawin the damn thing just so it can get its raw juice all over the damn kitchen. This alone sucks for an OCD cleaner like myself. I made sure not to get the turkey that you had to gut or deal with bones, because that would make me lose my damn appetite. So I have this little breast which still takes over an hour to cook and you still have leftovers for days. Just what I need, leftovers of something I eat on sandwiches year round.

The only good thing about this holiday is it reminds me to eat Stove Top Stuffin which I loooooove. Just give me a bowl of that and I'm happy!

Lesson Of The Day: Go out to eat, cookin sucks!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Hatin On Freddy

Hey strangers, it's your girl Harlem....remember me? Today I am hatin on Freddy. Who is Freddy you ask...my desktop computer. I've had this old chap for the past 6 years. An ex lame-ass of mine built him from scratch and at one time he was youthful and energetic. Fast forward 6 years....DAMN YOU FREDDY! How the hell am I supposed to keep up with this blog if he keeps movin at the speed of snail? Below are Freddy's current ailments:

1. When booting up it takes 30 minutes total. If you open any program, or try to even IM someone before that time is up, he freezes. (he's very stubborn)

2. Since it takes so long to restart Freddy, I leave him on. If you leave him on for more then 3 days straight he decides to freeze which requires a hard shut down, resulting in another 30 minute boot up.

3. When skyping/video chatting with my long distance lover Freddy refuses to let you listen to music or go on the internet at the same time. (what a brat!)

4. Freddy refuses to burn CD's using iTunes.

5. When running Mozilla, AIM, and iTunes he decides that's overload and says that 99% of the CPU is in use?!?!? This leads to snail speeds as well as the occasional frozen tantrums.

6. His front tower door is broken off and constantly falls to the floor. (thanks a lot moving company)

With all that being said I think I might have to break down and buy a new companion. Unfortunately that's not that easy with the amount of pay I get from cleanin damn grease pits. Maybe I can video tape myself and get paid to be on Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe, and then I could afford a laptop. Hell, Mike Rowe and I might even get married and then he could just buy me one.

Since this is an emergency, maybe I will go this weekend and buy a cheap netbook. Regardless, Freddy has been around longer then most friends so I cannot just throw him in the dumpster because he's old. Would you throw your grandfather in the dumpster? At least I can still watch DVDs on him!!!

Lesson Of The Day: Computers are like family, everyone deserves a second chance.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Hatin on Tunes

Holla to all my loyal subjects....I am hatin on iTunes today....majorly! Christmas time last year, or for those of you who believe "Christ" should be taken out of Christmas...then I will refer to it as....Mas?!?!? hahah kidding, your girl Harl changes for nobody! Anyways, last December I was lucky enough to receive a purp ipod nano. The deal was it came with a speaker dock and $15 gift card to itunes. So what'd your girl do...that's right bitches, I bought some tunes. I transferred them onto my pod and was all good to go, but since I was usin my mama's laptop I decided to burn them to a CD so I would have a physical copy. That alone is what also makes itunes suck because you never have a physical item so you still have to back up to CD...LAME! For some reason her laptop wouldn't burn them to CD through Ltunes (lame tunes), so needless to say the only copy I have is on my poddy.

Upon arriving home from Xmas vacay I tried to transfer them from my purple vixen to my computer Freddy (who as some would say is old and lacking, but just because he's old doesn't mean we should lay him to rest). Of course I am smarter then itunes because that idea was brilliant, but wouldn't work because they weren't the "original" items. Now I only have them on the pod and cannot even convert them for my Sansa Clip to take to the park. You see peeps I am very particular about electronics. I would never want anything to happen to my sacred pod, so I bought a $30 Sansa Clip a while ago to take to the park, but it only supports mp3's.

This is where your girl becomes lame herself....I spent more money on itunes songs because I only wanted a song here and a song there, not full CDs. You would've thought I had learned my lesson the first time around. Needless to say I am having the same problem where I obviously can't get them on my magenta pink, awesome, sansa clip or burn them to CD. WTF itunes!!! If I would've just bought all of these in CD format first I would've been able to get them on any music player I wanted. Listen iTunes...F bootleggin to other gangsters because CDs you can burn for anyone you want. Someone please kick your girl Harl in the arse next time she goes on a shopping spree on Lame-Tunes.

Lesson Of The Day: Buy the book iTunes for Dummies, because clearly I have no knowledge in this type of program!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Hatin On Honkin

Ya'll I hate Honkers. These are the people that find it necessary to honk at someone the very millisecond the light turns green. I saw someone today make a left turn in front of another car, the other car was far away and that Mo Fo still honked when he got near the intersection. WTF DB, the guy turned when you were 1,000 feet away. It's like those people who talk just to hear their own voice....they honk just to be heard. Just a warning, if you honk at your girl Harlem, don't be surprised when I get out my damn car and beat yours with a baseball bat.

Serious story here....One time, my dad and his friend where driving and his friend honked at a car in front of them. When they pulled up to a stop light the guy reached under his seat, pulled out a gun, and pointed it directly at my dad and his friend....they sped off, probably through the red light.

Lesson of the Day: Be careful when honking at others, you never know how severe their road rage is!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hatin on Coffee

In the morning my mind is completely clouded and occupied with thoughts of coffee. I swear it has crack in it, because I would sell my body for some mocha goodness. I am all good on the weekends because I don't like Starbucks and that is the only shop near my house. On Monday through Friday is when the beast in me comes out. It's called Tully's, or as I like to call it....heaven! This is the hidden gem that consumes my thoughts and fantasies.

The reason I am hatin on my slice of heaven is because I am tryin to be healthy ya'll. I am sooo good, except for that damn Mocha and Whip Cream that lays on a bed of ice. WTF?!?!? I decided your girl Harlem cannot quit cold turkey. Since there are no iced mocha patches and the doctors refuse to put me in a coma, I have decided to slowly wean myself off of this drug. I used to get a grande, then veinte, and today was my first day getting a tall...which is a small! I got non fat milk so that I could try and counteract some of the calories from the whip cream. Needless to say, your girl will be spending her night ridin the enemy....the treadmill.

Lesson of the Day: Start smokin, at least they provide nicotene patches/gum to quit that habit.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Hatin On Exercise

OMG ya'll, I am totes hatin on exercisin. Your girl Harlem is tryin to get her arse back in shape and it is NOT pretty. After you work a full day scrubbin damn grease pits, how you gonna have the energy to crawl onto a treadmill? I need a damn wheel chair to get me across Mc D's parkin lot at the end of the day because I am completely exhausted. Not to mention the damn runnin machine tried to kill me. Your girl was takin a lil walky walk when all of a sudden the damn thing jolted and your girl went flyin off. The gangstas in the apartment below me thought there was an earthquake when I hit the floor and the whole damn building shook.

Another thing I hate about exercisin is the sweat. I swear California would be the wettest state if I lived there, just from the gallons of sweat that leaks off me in a 2 minute period. They even have those treadi's that have fans on the front. Those things cost my entire life savings and then they only blow ya damn face. They need to invent a full body fan treadmill; I think I might patent that idea. Or a treadmill with air conditioning, like a lil runnin cocoon.

Also, why does running have to be so expensive? I have knee problems, so I have to buy actual running shoes which are close to a hundie. I hate goin to gyms...they should be called meat markets. All the guys are either sizin up the chicks, or checkin themselves out in the mirrors.....news flash, you ain't all that beef head! All the hoes go in there half naked with full make up and their damn hair did. WTF?!?!?! Beyotch, this ain't a beauty pageant. Whatever happened to the normal people...oh yea....they had to spend hundreds of dollars on a damn treadmill cause ya'll make it uncomfortable for them to work out.

Lesson of the Day: In order to gain motivation to workout, make sure to dangle french fries/cheesy tots in front of ya damn treadie...I guarantee you will run your arse off!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Hatin on Bagels/Jury Duty rant continued....

Yo beyotches, it's your girl Harlem here. I have a quick lil hatin to do on some damn bagels and then I received some haterade at jury duty that I need to puke back up for ya'll.

First off, I have a love/hate relationship with onion and garlic bagels. Those damn lil bread doughnuts taste sooo amazing, that's where the love comes in. Now for the hate! When eating them the smell fumigates your surroundings. Your hands smell like it for hours, as well as your breath! Not to mention that upon toasting, all of the little onion/garlic bits fall off the bagel and get all up on your furniture. Then your furniture contains the smell. WTF?!?!? Is it really worth all the stank for that small moment of pleasure? Hell to the yea!

Now for my jury duty story. I got picked for a panel where you have to go through and answer questions out loud in front of everyone. Of course these questions pertain to the case and many of them can be slightly offensive to some people if you show any sort of bias. The problem is everyone has some sort of bias, even the damn judge announced that before the questioning. Of course when going around to everyone you get those weak bitches that say, "I'll TRY to not let it effect my judgment", "I HOPE it won't effect my decision", or they pause for 15 minutes and then answer "it will NOT effect my decision". So they get to your girl Harlem and I said, "It will DEFINITELY effect my decision". Everyone looked at me like I had the damn plague. You crazy fools, saying things like "I hope", "I'll try", and pausing for 15 minutes before answering no is essentially saying "Definitely"! These are yes and no questions grow some damn berries and answer honestly!

So after the initial round of questions the attorneys get to stand up and ask anyone they want more questions. This damn defense attorney stood up and reamed your girl Harlem out for answering "definitely". I could tell he was tryin to make me cry, but that doesn't work on your girl. I just get pissed and throw some major tudeage arrows at the Douche. He kept saying the law is that you have to vote not guilty if the prosecution doesn't prove their case. Then he asked if I would break the law and still say guilty. I said, "I haven't heard your side of the argument, but there is a possibility I would break the law." Then Dick McGee said, "So you would break the law." I said, "Fool, clean out the damn wax in your ears....YES, there is a possibility." There is a possibility that anyone would let their emotions get in the way, especially when you're referring to attempted murder. He should've yelled at the damn people that said "I'll Try". Plus, what the hell is he chewin me out for, I'm not on trial. He already knew he didn't want me, so why waste your damn breath!

After we battled back and forth and threw some punches it was over....until....the judge called me up to "sidebar". So I went over there to her and Dicky. She asked me the same questions he just did, but very nicely. Of course I answered the same way and then he got to ask me again so they could record me....AGAIN, I answered the same way. What the hell are you wastin time on askin me the same damn question 25 1/2 times? Needless to say, I was dismissed, but not before I threw a couple dirty looks at the convict who had been in the room the whole time! I'm surprised he didn't get whiplash because he looked at me and looked away faster then anyone ever has before.

Lesson Of The Day: Never mess with your girl Harlem because I DO NOT back down.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hatin On Day 2


OMG ya'll, your girl Harlem is all up in this damn courthouse again....day 2...jury duty...nuff said.

Lesson Of The Day: No cell phones in court.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Hatin On The Duty

Damnnnn Ganstas today I am totes hatin on jury duty. I am stuck all up in this small arse room with a bunch of coke addicts. Not to mention during orientation they say be respectful to those surrounding you and step out of the room to talk on the phone. Clearly this beyotch next to me missed that section cause she has been on the phone non stop. Bitch nobody wants to hear your damn business in english or spanish. She also has some slushy thing which she didn't offer to me, but continues to LOUDLY slurp it like a damn cave woman. WTF people?!?

Unfortunately for me I sold my laptop cause I am sittin here on a damn blackberry tippa tappin away, so please excuse the misspellings/grammatical errors...which I'm sure you've seen from your girl Harlem before.

So, on anotyer note I did orientation online so I could show up 2 hours later instead of the ass crack of dawn. the video was such a joke. They said you have to dress business casual. Clearly they don't know your girl works at Mc D's cause I don't own no damn business casual clothes and I sure as hell am not gonna waste money on them for jury duty. Also, why did the orientation video say that you would be "fortunate" to b e a juror, like it's some secret society. I would prefer not to join thank you very much.

Lesson Of The Day: Do not get a state drivers license or fill out voter registration, then you can prevent coming to this disease ridden hell hole!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Hatin On Cocks

April Fools!!! Gotchya.....wait, is it April? I am actually rippin on cockroaches today! GOSH talk about baby mills, cockroaches sure do know how to put out.

I hate livin in an apartment building! Even if it is the nicest, most expensive place on the planet you will get roaches. It all comes from one dirty Mo that decided not to clean the kitchen. Those roaches can smell food from planets away. Then the tricky lil bastards creep right through the damn walls into my clean apartment. My poor Doogie got bombarded by a roach army one time just because he was a little slow eating his Moist and Meaty Beef. Next thing I know I see one on the wall and look behind my desk (by his cage) and there is hundreds of babies!!!! Talk about freaking out. I ran around my room screaming and flailing my arms like a crazy person (which my non-boy toy, boy toy frequently calls me). You see I live alone, so clearly it must've looked and sounded awfully peculiar to my neighbors. Anyways, I moved Doogie and sprayed the livin shiz outta that corner. I placed motels all throughout my apartment as well as sprayed indoor bug spray all around the baseboards. Needless to say, I slept with the lights on in my bedroom at night for a whole week because every time I fell asleep I literally had dreams of cockroaches falling from the ceiling onto my head.

So now I spray indoor bug spray around my baseboards once every 2-3 months (even though it's supposed to last 9), I continually put new vacation spots (roach motels) out for my visitors, as well as have a hand vac for any extra food Doogie leaves behind. Sometimes I think he misses his new friends when momma is at work.

Lesson Of The Day: Become an exterminator...they probably make millions in apartment buildings.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Hatin on Emergen-C

Everyone at work is sick, What The Fig Newton!?! Your girl Harlem has a very excitin weekend ahead and cannot afford to catch the creep-n-crud. I figure antibacterial hand sanitizer is not enough to fight off the germs, especially when I woke up on Monday with a tightness in my throat. All day at work I was freakin out and one of my home girls, Stefania, suggested a Cold-Eez drop...UMMMMM hell to the no. I will never eat one of those devil drops again! It's poison, I swear! That thing tasted like a watered down cough drop and then as an added bonus it left this film in my mouth like I had just smoked a whole pack of cigs. Not to mention my chick nugs and coke tasted stank after!

That being said my home girl then offered up some Emergen-C on Tuesday. I took one pack in the mornin and one at night. That shiz isn't much better. It tastes like watered down kool-aid that someone put a pack of salt in, mixed with some Alka Seltzer. Plus, it has 25 calories...I'd rather waste those on a damn Jolly Rancher. Since this little minx can't afford to get sick, I have decided to continue the Emergen-C regimen today, but you can bet your cute arse that I will be bitchin about it the whole day. This better work or I will be sendin someone to hell and they won't be roastin weenies.

Lesson Of The Day: If you're sick, DO NOT come infect me at work.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hatin On Nerves

Ya'll I hate my damn nerves! I get so nervous about everything, what the hell is wrong with me! Normally when my nerves take over my body I just eat....A LOT...that's my form of exorcism. Well not lately! There are hundreds of damn cocoons all up in my stomach and they are hatchin some huge butterflies. I take Pepto, Maalox, and Alka Seltzer. I can't even eat because I feel so nauseous...and NO I am not pregnant....no man is lucky enough to unlock this chastity belt! Normally when I am nervous I gain 15 pounds as well as a cold sore right on my damn lip, which then causes the "herpes" jokes to come out in full force....ignorant humans. As I still get the cold sore which I blame on my parents since it is a hereditary miss fortune, the only good thing is I can't eat a damn thing so I am wasting away into an emaciated gravesite (a little exaggerated I am sure).

Lesson Of The Day: Find the cause of your anxiety and banish it forever.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Hatin on Baby Mills

Have ya'll ever heard of that damn show 19 Kids and Counting? It's about the Duggar family who has 18 kids and 1 on the way due in March 2010. In case you can't add...that makes for a whoppin 19 kids! That sounds like a damn baby mill to me. If you can't breed that many damn puppies, then how is it ok to have that many children? Everyone disses on the Octomom because she is single and has 14 kids through In Vitro, I don't see a difference. Yea big whoop that the Duggar family has a mother and father that produced the babies on their own, it's still 19 kids! The only reason they can even afford them is because of their television show which is using their kids for promotional purposes. I don't get what the fascination is with collecting children, other then to have them do your house chores...if that's the case, then I will borrow some from your litter to do the vacuuming. It started with John and Kate Plus Eight, then 18 (now 19) kids and counting, and around the same time the Octomom hit big. What's next, we're going to start seeing kids for sale in the classifieds under "pets"? Even Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are starting their own herd. What are The Duggars, John and Kate, and Octomom going to do once their 15 minutes of fame runs out? They are going to be using our tax money to support their gang of misfits. No wonder there are so many bratty children in the world...who has time for them when you have 18 other little ruggies (a.k.a rugrats) runnin around. I'd want attention to if I were them, it's not their fault.

I see children come into Mc D's all the time laying on the dirty ass floor kickin and screamin because they didn't get the damn toy they wanted in their damn happy meal. So instead of picking them up and disciplining the kid right then and there, the parents ignore them and let other hungry customers step over them. Then, when someone trips and falls over your little monster, you proceed to yell at that innocent bystander. What ever happened to a good old fashioned arse whoopin? Didn't hurt me or my brosky, only happened twice and we learned.

I was at CVS the other day and 5 children were playin tag in the damn store! WTF?!?!?! I swear if you run into your girl Harlem I will yell at you, and that's exactly what happened. The mom and dad were standing right next to me in the makeup aisle when the little monkeys came by and ran straight into me. I looked at them and firmly said, "This is a public place, not a damn playground. You need to learn some manners before you run into someone else." The parents FINALLY grabbed them and made them stand by their side...now was that so hard?!?!?

I know some of you defensive parents are goin to get your panties in a bunch about this. I know children have bad days where they scream and cry, but when you are in public just try to keep them in control. You wouldn't let your dog go ape shit on some innocent bystander, so don't let your kids.

Lesson of The Day: It's Called BIRTH CONTROL people!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Hatin On Shavin

Let me just tell you that girls have it way worse then guys. As if pregnancy isn't painful enough, we were granted the privilege of shaving! I know Eve ate the apple first, but Adam, like most men, followed her lead and ate it second...so shouldn't the man have some consequences as well?

Women have to shave their legs, arm pits, chin and lip if hair sprouts, as well as wax the eyebrows, and even shave their damn snickerdoodle! Some women even shave their arms and stomachs!!! What The Fig Newton??? Shavin sucks! It takes time and energy. You also can develop a shaving rash which leads to gettin certain regions waxed! HELLOOOOOO, talk about painful! Why does hair grow back so quickly? Little hair crops start growin in two days, then it starts to itch! My future boyfriend better pay me for shavin because it's a full time job!

You know what would make me jazzercised....if the man had to shave more then just his damn face! He doesn't even have to shave that and he's still considered ruggedly handsome. If a woman doesn't shave she's considered gross or dirty. Guys don't even keep up with shaving the small region of their face. They let it grow in and then the woman has to suffer AGAIN. DUDE....when your facial hair sprouts and we kiss you it causes our lips, chin, and nose to become chapped which then flakes like a damn sunburn. If I have to keep it up, surely you can take 5 mins to shave your damn face regularly!

Lesson Of The Day: Move to France where women are au naturel.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hatin on Dogs

What up beyotches? I realized I didn't post today, so this is gonna be a quicky.

My non-boy toy, boy toy is in trouble due to an incident on Monday. He's not in the dog house ya'll, but I sent him straight to the pound!

Lesson Of The Day: You better be kissin some major bootay to get back into Harlem's good graces! Who's Mr. Awesome now biznatchy!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Hatin On Flights

What's up gangstas and gangstettes, it’s your girl Harlem, if you even remember who I am. As you can tell I have not posted since Thursday, WTT you ask (What The Tuna)?!?!? Well I have been on a slight vacay if you wanna call it that, which leads to today’s post....I am Hatin on Flights! For some reason I have been all into listing the reasons I hate things, so today I am keeping that tradish alive, see below.

1. You literally have to sell your soul to the devil because flights cost a milly. Not to mention if you want to bring a traveling buddy along like my lil doogie gangsta. To take a dog on a flight it costs almost as much as a full roundtrip ticket. The problem is Doogie doesn't get his own seat; he has to sit in a bag under the damn seat. WTT, you wouldn't put your son under the seat...or would you?

2. The loading of the bird - This is horrible. You load by zone/seat section. First of all, they tell you two small carry-ons...how come there are always a milly Mo's that carry on two full suitcases a piece. So then the people like me who follow the rules have to jam their small carryon in a tight space so that all my valuables are squished/break. Why do you think your shiz is more important than mine? Plus, when you carry on large items like that, you are juggling them in a small aisle like the rest of us, but instead of it taking you 5 mins to store your items, you are in the aisle for a damn hour jugglin your junk.

This guy had his jacket and his ladies jacket as well as a plastic bag in an overhead bin. I put my normal carry on sized bag in front of his small items because there was literally nowhere else to put my bag. He looks at me and says, "You just squished my stuff." I politely said sorry, but your girl Harlem wanted to say, "Why you lookin at me like a damn fool. I know I squished your shiz, but would you rather I store my bag on your damn head?"

3. The seats are so damn small. Even if you are anorexic you still get all up in people's grill. Whether it's the slight elbow when grabbing a drink from the flight attendants, or in my instance when I fall asleep and continually jump a foot in the air every three minutes. That shakes the damn seats. I wonder what I dream about on planes that makes me a damn Mexican Jumping Bean.

4. Layovers - Are these not the worst? Either you are stressing that you are going to miss your connecting, or you are bored as hell with a 4 hour lay over.

5. Eating - Forget being healthy while traveling. The airplanes don't give free food anymore, who wants to pay 50.00 for a stank ass sammy? So to preoccupy you in a layover, or even while you are on the flight you HAVE to buy snacks. I'm talkin Doritos, chocolate, Fast Food, and of course Antacid for the damn indigestion from the junk food and the nervous feeling that this plane could go down any second!

6. Getting off the plane - Getting off the plane is the worst. You have those people that run all the way from the back to the front like there's a damn fire. What is up with that? It just makes me want to stick my foot out and trip them just so I can say "Slow Your Roll Beyotch"!

I was getting off a flight one time and one of the people that pushed passed me was this homeless lady I always see on the road on my way to work. How the hell did she have enough money to be on that flight, and why was she coming from New York? I know for a fact it was her because I see this chick every day askin for money. If you make that much money being homeless, then sign me up. I don't even have to interview for that job.

I was going to hate on security lines as well, but luckily enough for me security went really quickly and really smoothly. Why can't it always be like that?!?!

The one thing I love about airports is watching people arrive. Their loved ones always look so happy. Many people start crying. I must say, for the most part...you usually feel loved upon arrival. You most likely will feel sad upon departure.

*Side Note*: My homie http://diaryofamadbathroom.blogspot.com/ gave me an award, but I have been unable to pick it up because I am still trying to figure out this whole HTML bullshiz, why does it have to be so complicated. It's literally another language! I definitely appreciate it and hope to figure it out soon!!!

Today's Lesson: Make sure you have a stiff cocktail before attempting travel by plane.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Hatin on Today

I am totes hatin on today, Wednesday 10/15/2009. Don't get me wrong, the day could be much worse. I am basically just using this as an outlet to vent, so I will hate on me for being a brat. Here is the breakdown of today like you care, cause I wouldn't if I were you honestly.

1. Woke up 10 minutes before leaving for work. I hit the damn snooze button and I always feel for the Braille dots....well, the damn Braille dots are on the sleep button too unfortunately, which turns off your alarm.

2. I had to rush to Mc D's, which I hate rushin anywhere unless it's after an ice cream truck. So I am wearing a sweatshirt, an uncombed rat’s nest on my damn head, and no make up. Your girl looks like Courtney Love on crack. The only good thing about my looks today is I can give the drive thru customers quite a fright! Halloween has come early my friends.

3. I left my ears (a.k.a headphones) at home so I can't listen to my pod, and I have a headache...nuff said.

4. My non-boy toy, boy toy and I are havin some miscommunications. Poor sap has Harlem Fever and unfortunately there is no cure.

5. I have had this constant nervous/anxiety feeling in my stomach all week and I can't seem to find any drugs strong enough for it. If you could OD on pepto and antacid tabs, I am sure I would be dead.

6. I slipped in a grease puddle at work and hurt my damn arse. There is a lot of junk in this trunk so you know I must've hit hard. I swear Mc D's thought there was an earthquake cause the whole damn building shook.

That's it for now; I imagine the day should get better before worse????

Lesson For The Day: Do not take any advice from me on 10/15/09 as I have proven to be a bad luck charm.




Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Hatin on MC

I am totally Hatin on MC (aka Mariah Carey). First of all, isn't the beyotch 70? I swear I used to listen to her when I was in the womb. I hate the way she walks around like she is this huge super star. This Heifer hasn't had a good album since her #1's album which was released in 1998. That brings me to another point....since she can't release any good new music, she has released over 5 greatest hits albums which all include her old songs. In order to fool people she switches up the titles from "Greatest Hits" to things like "Ballads", "Remixes", and "#1's". Give it a rest granny; you are washed up like Madonna in a rain storm. I don't even know why radio stations are still playin her music, I always switch to CD's when it comes on. She even married that Wack Ass actor named Nick Cannon. Girl you robbed the freakin cradle on that one and all you got was a gig on America's Got Talent, which you lip synched by the way. Her new album did so horrible that she is re-releasing it. Give it a rest; no one is goin to buy it the second time around. All the people who bought it the first time are tone deaf.

Lesson Of the Day: If you wanna check out some good music, new and old, check out http://lyricallylovelylife.blogspot.com This blog is dope. It has awesome pictures that correspond with song lyrics. Then this pimp even added the music file underneath so you could hear the full song...GENIUS!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Hatin on Mon

No, "Mon" is not a misspelling and I am not about to speak Jamaican, "ey dere Mon". Mon is for Monday. I am totally hatin on Mondays. I feel so lazy that I couldn't even spell the whole word in the damn title! It doesn't matter how much R&R I get on the weekends, Mondays are never any easier. I also feel like all the Mo's (a.k.a Morons) come out on Mondays. I think it's their party day in order to make your life hell. Driving to work I got cut off by an infamous MO who then proceeded to drive 20 in a 60. Upon arriving to work I shivered all the way to the coffee shop a block away, cause you know your girl Harlem doesn't drink the shiz at Mc D's. Then I got spoiled by this dude that always discounts me a dollar cause he wasn't at the register....so being the brat that I am, I was peeved I had to pay full price. At work more Mo's continue to ask me stupid questions. For example, when do you serve lunch? WTF, beyotch it is 9am and you be thinkin about lunch??? Did I mention the fact that my stomach is on fire and I've been inhaling Maalox and Bismuth tablets as if I was a heroine addict? Can you OD on Pepto tablets and Maalox? If so, I will most likely pass out at any secfhjdhlkjkjshdgkjh.

Oops, sorry about the gibberish, my head landed on my keyboard and I woke up to drool all over the j-k region. I don't even feel like bloggin this Mon, as I am sure you can tell from this some what lacking post. Oh, and did I mention I was having a bad hair day(see pict)?

Lesson of the Day: Even coffee doesn't help a Mon!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Hatin on Boob Jigglin

Why do guys like to boob jiggle? I know they don't contain a pair of their own, but do they actually think girls like it? I have not experienced this first hand, but I have seen many movies and many guys in public that resort to boob jigglin. How would they feel if girls started ball jigglin??? There are so many ways to ball jiggle, see below:

1. You can bat them back and forth like a pendulum.

2. You can bat them up like a paddle ball (see picture above. Paddle being hand, ball being...well...)

3. You can tickle them like an arm pit.

4. You can juggle them up and down, while making the sound effect "dink, dink, dink, dink".

5. You can bat them in circles like throwing a pizza pie.

Now you tell me boys....does that sound like fun? But it should be ok because us girls don't have a pair of our own!!!

Today's LIFETIME Lesson: Stop the boob jigglin now! Women, if you come across this sort of human, please retaliate immediately.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Hatin on Peanut Crushers

Believe it or not, the following is a true story. Your girl Harlem was on a date recently....to play mini golf. Let me give you a visual of this guy....he was tall, fat, glasses, and crooked rat teeth. Basically, my definition of a nasty nast. Some of you may think I am being mean and judgmental, but if you want a visual picture, then that is exactly how he looks. As I am sure you are aware, this was a blind date. Not only did he look like a sewer rat, but he stunk like one too. Poor fellow had ate some garbage because he consistently had to go to the bathroom and not for a coke fix if you know what I mean. The bathroom odors lingered onto the putt putt range and unfortunately I wasn't advised to bring my gas mask. The whole date, every time I got the damn ball into that damn little hole he would rub my back and get right in my face telling me how good I was. He must've been blind as a damn bat cause I swear it always took me at least five shots to get it in. He had no idea of personal boundaries at all and his rat teeth kept gnawing near my face. If that wasn't bad enough he got a bag of peanuts for us as a snack. He would crush them in his damn hands and turn the shell to powder and then hold out his hand for me to pick the nuts out. Ummmm, I know you think you are being a gentleman, but have you ever heard of swine flu, or E. coli??? GROSS! Get your damn hand out of my face fool! Unfortunately, I have some manners and took a couple nutty nuts that way and then insisted I was full. To top it all off, I had to pay...WHAT THE FRIG???? At the end of the night, he gave me this huge hug while violently shaking my body....I felt like I was in a damn earthquake. Of course he wanted to go get drinks, but your girl Harlem is way smarter then that. I couldn't stand another minute with Creepenstein. I would dig my own grave and lay in it.

Today's Lesson: NEVER let your friends convince you to go on a blind date with someone they've never even met.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hatin on Squirrels

OMG ya'll. I was gettin my walkie walk on at the park today; you know just kicken back and enjoyin the polluted air. Next thing I know I was surrounded by mangy lookin rats with big tails...translation...squirrels. Ok, so there were only two, but they were barkin at me. They started staring with their tails held high and makin this god awful noise! Your girl Harlem took off runnin. Last time I ran that fast was when I was chasin the damn pizza delivery man. I saw one near my crib a few hours later and about had a damn heart attack. I've come to the realization that I have squirrel-a-phobia!

Today's Lesson: Do NOT Feed, Look, or Pet the squirrels. They will attack you!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hatin on Webs

Yo gangstas! Your girl Harlem had a lil surprise waitin for her this mornin. I was on my way to my damn car while searchin through my damn Mary Poppins Purse (uber deep and jam packed with fun).....that's when it happened....the surprise. I felt this huge sticky mess all up on me....NOOOO, it's not what you are thinkin! I couldn't get it off, I was pullin, screamin, and scratchin the hell outta my damn skin. You guessed it...I walked right into a HUGE, GRANDE for my espanol folk, spider web. Now the only problem I have is tryin to find that damn spider that you know is all up in my grill. Good thing no one was around, cause I looked like I was goin through a damn exorcism. Dudes and dudettes…I totally be hatin on spiders/webs big time ya’ll!

Lesson For The Day: When traveling through a spider web, make a note of the spiders’ location.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Hatin on More To Love


Did anyone besides your girl Harlem watch More To Love? I am totes hatin on that show. Yes, I did watch the whole season to give some support for my big boned sistas, but was unhappy with a few aspects.

1. As great as it is to have a "Bachelor" type show for normal people, I don't like the way they jumped to extremes. They went from super hot, in shape, model-esque people to extremely overweight people. What happened to everyone in between? There are some of us out there that aren't 100lbs or 275+lbs. Is there any reality show out there about average people? We want love, or at least a good roll in the hay.

2. This show was definitely set up, because as Luke always seemed into Malissa...where did Tali come from? That chick was nowhere in site. As she was always completely dopey for him, he didn't catch the Tali fever until the last 3 or so episodes. What happened with Heather? She was the front runner, and then he completely voted her out all of a sudden. I cannot believe he chose Tali!!! He must be hoping for a season 2 where he can start over just like those wack jobs on the MTV shows (i.e. I Love New York, Flava Flav, Real Chance, etc.).


3. This should've been a show empowering heavy people to accept who they are. Instead it just made us feel worse about ourselves. It continuously showed these beauties crying about how they've been mistreated because of their weight. In one sentence they would claim how happy they were with themselves and then start crying about how they couldn't get a man. This was completely heartbreaking and in a way gave society more reasons to make fun of them.

Lesson Of The Day: Average women need some air time...Lets cast a show for 140-170lb. beauties. Please, no more shows about models, rich snots, or our favorite felines...the cougar!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Hatin on LC

I am totes rippin on Lauren Conrad (or LC as she likes to be called). This beyotch became famous when she was on that little show called Laguna Beach. Since day one she has been a whiney, conceited slut. Always complaining about Kristin Cavallari being mean to her, but honestly the bitch deserved it. She walks around like she has a stick up her arse. She went on to a show called The Hills. Here she met her bff Heidi Montag. Now don't get me wrong, I totally hate on Heidi and her annoying ways, but I can't believe the viewers took Lauren's side when they had that big fight over Spencer. Lame C. didn't like Spencer and gave Heidi the ultimatum to choose between their friendship and her boyfriend! Bitch please...who do you think you are....Jesus? You can't make decisions like that! So, Heidi chose Spencer. You go girl! A good friend would've said, "I don't like your boyfriend for reasons A, B, and C. I will still support you, but I wouldn't have been a good friend without telling you my concerns."

So now everyone is hatin on Heidi for choosing her jerk boyfriend over Lauren. Wake up!!! LC is NOT a good friend; Heidi shouldn't have had to choose in the first place. Then in another season of the hills, that spoiled brat makes Audrina (her new bff) choose between their friendship and her boyfriend Justin Bobby. Yea, the guy is a loser, but let Ho-drina figure it out on her own, don't make her choose. WTF?!?!?!? Lame C. must think she is President cause she is tryin to run everyone's life. Could someone remind me why this chick is famous? She started on a reality show that has been busted for being scripted!

Lauren has also tried twice to create a clothing line. The first time failing miserably by pricing ugly cotton dresses for hundreds of dollars. You can go to Forever 21/Charolette Russe and get the same dress for 15.99. Her second line of clothing is featured at Kohls. This consists of ugly material and styles for 20.00. Yes, the price in an improvement, but I do not agree with spending 20.00 on a blue, spaghetti strap tank top. Ugly and outrageous!

I think humans have lost their damn minds! Somehow Lame C's book L.A. Candy has made its way to the New York Times Best Sellers list. WTF??? Could someone pinch me because I feel like I am in a nightmare and I cannot wake up! L.A. Candy is a fictional novel about a girl that comes to LA for an internship and is approached to be on a reality show. Hmmmm sound familiar??? It's about Lauren's life, which mostly we have already seen on TV! For those of you haters out there that will say, "If you don't like her then don't watch the show, buy the clothes, or read the book." Trust me....I haven't and won't! Could society please phase this spoiled heffer out, cause I’m sick of seein her haunt my dreams??? Check out lame.com, cause Lame C's picture is on the front page!

Lesson of the day: Stop making pointless people society's idols.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Hatin on Macy

So there is a lot ya'll don't know bout your girl Harlem. I worked at Macy's for two months. Sadly enough, it is not as glamorous as the perfume spritzing girls in the front make it look. This was the job from H-E-L-L!!! First of all, they required you to dress up. I guess my booty shorts and booby shirt weren't good enough. So, I watched some Life In The Fab Lane with Kimora Lee Simmons and realized I needed some "Fabulosity" up in my wardrobe. Unfortunately, I could not afford this, so I went for the simple black pants and black button up. I know what you are thinking...LORING (combination of lame and boring)!

First month of work they make it look really swell. The wardens give you a free month of not having to meet a sales goal. Everything you sell you make a small amount of commission on. The only thing that sucks at this point is the fact that the girl I work with is a major beyotch. She feels that just because she's been working there her whole life that she can go all army captain on me and harass my arse. She makes me put all of the peeps clothes back on hangers and put them all away. This results in me getting hardly any commission. Not to mention we have to get to work uber early on the mornings of new arrivals and sales. This way we can change out all the sales signs and put clothes on sales racks. All of this is done by using a laser gun.....shoot, the only gat I know how to use is my 9. Another thing you don't know is I am NOT a morning person. This beyotch starts given me tude in the mornins and I will bury her under a pile of clothes and sit on her damn face.

Second month of work they decide to hire a man to work in the Juniors department. Who was the Mo that decided that? A Man....in Juniors.....CREEPY! He was the manager since we never had one before. That fool of course did not know women’s clothing, and refused to go in the women's dressing room even when the store was closed. I had to do all the damn work. Also, they make you get a ridiculous sales goal each week. You don't make any commission until you sell more then your sales goal. If you sell $1.00 over have fun with your .10 commission!

On my last night in hell there were soooo many clothes piled on the floor in the girls dressing room, OFF hangers! Hell to the no if they think Harlem is gonna pick that shiz up yet again on her own! So what did I do???? I told that pervie man that I was goin to powder my damn nose and then I took off runnin. You got that right, I ran out the damn door so fast it makes the road runner look like a snail. To this day I still wonder how long it took him to realize I wasn't comin back.

Lesson of the day: Work at McDonalds, retail blows the big one.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hatin on Jerks

Today I am totes hatin on that song "You're a Jerk" by the New Boyz...my ears are bleeding! Check out the video below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv9VKKXwVxU

First of all, I hate even puttin this shiz on my site cause I think it's advertisin them way more then they deserve! For the first 49 seconds all they say is, "You're a jerk, I know. You're a jerk, I know." OK OK...sheesh...we get it, you're jerks! At second 50 they start lamely wrapping, but you can't hear them because in the background that same annoying voice keeps repeating "jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk." It is so annoying that I want to bash my damn eardrums out just for it to stop (instead I just change the radio channel). If this qualifies to be on the radio, then I will create a demo of me repeating how awesome I am. That way I will make milly's and instead of cleanin the grease pit at Mc D's, I will be holdin concerts in the parkin lot!

These punks need to take some lessons from incredible rappers like Eminem. Whether you like the guy or not, his raps have content. They tell stories and he raps them with such emotion that you actually feel like you are watching it go down in person (check out "Beautiful" off of his new Relapse album). He is one of the few rappers today that doesn't just repeat the same line over and over and over. He doesn't steal hooks like Flo Rida does in "Right Round". Other oldies, but goodies the New Boyz need to check out are Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg...hell even the horrible Ja Rule is better then these wack ass little boys...or like they like to be called "boyz"....like the spelling makes them that much cooler????

The only thing about their video that I can give them props on is hiring their colorist. That video looks crisp, but is still lacking content just like their music.

Lesson of the Year: Do Not listen to New Boyz or any other musician like them. Lets get some creativity back on our radio waves.

A Shout Out!!!!!!

Below is the link to my first shout out!!!!! Check it out below, the blog is ogdaa.blogspot.com

Knuckledraggin my life away: Another new blog

Stay tuned for a Hatin blog coming up shortly!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Hatin on Fame

I am a huge hater of the new movie Fame (should've been titled Lame). I have lost 1 hour and 47 minutes of my life that I cannot get back....as well as $5.50 of my hard earned moolah. For those of you who love movies like Step Up, Center Stage, Flash Dance, etc. do not waste your time. Below are the reasons why you should not see this movie.

1. The Songs that are sung for a majority of the movie are not catchy. You will not find yourself dancing in your seat.

2. The dancing for the most part is good due to Kherington Payne (from So You Think You Can Dance), but the dancing sequences are short and aren't choreographed to good music. Plus, as much as I love my home girl KP, she cannot act.

3. The acting sucks the big one! I am talking painful!

4. Your ears will bleed when Kay Panabaker sings. She is horrible! She was like nails on a chalkboard, like Kristen Stewart in Twilight (or every movie she's ever been in...boring), like Megan Fox in an interview (retarded).

5. The "finale" dance/singing number was horrible. This is the scene that in most dance movies makes you move and groove and leave the theatre singing off key! Not in this movie. The song once again was forgettable, the dance sequence was horrible and did not even include the main dancer Kherington.

6. The infamous "Fame" song was used in the end credit roll....WTF? Wouldn't you expect this to be the finale number song? They gave it the end credit sequence?

Today's Obvious Lesson: DO NOT SEE FAME!

Hatin On Jenny


Have I ever told ya'll how much I hate Jenny? Jenny Craig that is! That beyotch is out to make your damn life miserable. When startin this program you will think you have died and gone to heaven. The food tastes great and isn't THAT hard to stick to. Give it a couple months and I guarantee you will be singing a new tune. This shiz has broke my damn bank account. Plus, I have actually put on weight. The food starts out delicious, and then after a few months starts tasting like kitchen cleaner. The chicken and beef look like pressed rubber. Once I came to this realization I fell off the wagon and hit hard! Has anyone ever had cheesy tots at Burger King? I hate to advertise for the enemy considering I work for the competition, but I swear those things are loaded with crack. They are so friggen addictin. Not only do they taste TDF (to die for), but they are cheap as hell.

How come diet food is so expensive, it's not like you are paying for quality cause it is nasty as hell. The portions are usually really small, so it's not like you are getting your moneys worth. Who in their right mind wants to eat broccoli unless it is covered in cheese? Who likes to drink water unless there is Kool-Aid mixed in? I don't know anyone who actually enjoys salad that is not covered in Ranch, Bacon Bits, and Croutons.

I think the only reason we are insecure to be on the chunky side is because society has made it unacceptable. I guarantee if movie stars and musicians were fat and happy and loaded with cheesy tots, then skinny people would be the ones unhappy and self conscious. Instead, it is more fashionable to be anorexic and starving. If roles were reversed then Jenny Craig would be really cheap and BK and MC D would be expensive. It's a lose, lose situation.

Today's Lesson: Try to find Ephedra pills on the black market. You may die from a heart attack, but at least you'll look skinny in your casket.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Hatin on Cuss Words

Today I am NOT hatin on cuss words, but hatin on the peeps that think cussin is offensive. When you angry and say shiz, freak, or even damnizzle don’t be skerd, them are just words people. The original meaning of the adjective profane referred to items not belonging to the church. That being said, someone decided one day to choose certain words or actions to be categorized as profane. It all started as an opinion of things that sounded or looked bad. An opinion that everyone still believes today.

Take the word Ass, or like I say...arse. This isn't just a profanity, but stands for many things like donkey or buttocks. Ass was also a French car made from 1919 to 1920. It's also a human gene that encodes for the enzyme argininosuccinate synthetase. Stands for the American Sociological Society, or for the faulty proof in mathematics - "Angle-Side-Side".

You know what peeps, today you are not aloud to say the word hello or smile....because today I say that they are profanity and anyone who says or does these actions are offending me!

Lesson of the day: Use cuss words as much as you want because their meaning is more intelligent then what society has defined them as.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Hatin on Datin

First off, let me just tell ya'll that I hate datin. It's to much damn work that is for realz. That being the reason I signed up for this lil site you may have heard of called match.com (should've been titled lame.com). This site costs an arm, a leg, and a butt cheek. I just can't handle using my whole Mickey D's pay check on a bunch of nasties. I know I am a whole lotta woman for a lil man, but how come only the nasties feel they can take me on? I be gettin messages from ex-cons missin teeth, chubby wubbys addicted to fluffy whip, and old men who live in nudist colonies. Call me picky, but I like my men boney. If you're short, look anorexic and eat one meal a day, then hit me up cause I got enough cushion for both of our pushin!

Another thing I am hatin on bout datin sites...how come when I hit a brother up he never gets back to me? Grow some berries man and diss me before you run away. I ain't scared; I reject a fool before I turn this fine slab of arse around and walk away.

Lesson of the day: Go pick up the man rummagin in the dumpster before you ever waste your bills on a site. You could always hit up craigslist for free!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hatin on Stank Tattoos

I have no problem with tats, but what is up with all these stank tattoos peeps are gettin these days. Whoever came up with these ideas needs some serious counseling, for realz. (See picture examples).

Excuse me....sir with the prostitute legs on your side, you clearly aren't gettin any lovin from a lady friend if you have to have this realistic image on your pit. Not to mention, whatever lady willin to get with you after seein that needs to be locked up in the looney bin right next to your dumb ass (said using the voice of Red Forman in That 70's Show). You know what that is gonna look like in 20 years??? It's gonna look like the old wrinkly naked lady on the street corner. Enjoy your permanent, realistic image of a woman's cootie aging.

Next, beyotch with the bacon??? I think that is bacon.....Are you hungry??? I can't understand why anyone would want a slab of pig on their side...now maybe if it was a Big Mac I would understand. Maybe that is supposed to look like someone took a damn slice outta your side like in Silence of the damn Lambs. You sewin a skin suit at home? If I am completely wrong about both ideas of what the hell that is on your side, then you should've gotten a better artist cause nobody can tell what the hell is goin down with that thing.

Today's Lesson: Never put somethin permanent on your body that shows peeps how ignorant and crazy you really are. And please, go get some help immediately.