Monday, November 30, 2009

Hatin on Everything

Hello to all my beautiful followers/visitors...I know it seems odd that your girl Harlem would be in such a good mood, but don't let my greeting fool you. Today I am hatin on everything! Is that even possible??? Everything and everyone are pissin me off. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and clearly I am stayin there. How do you get over a day like today? How do you get rid of anger that has been festering inside for days, weeks, months, years? I spoke to my sista this mornin and that helped for a total of 5 minutes. WTF, a 5 minute release? I swear I am gaining wrinkles by the second, which is an additional reason to be pissed. How could one person want so many things, and work hard at getting them and still feel like none are coming true? I'd like to think a vacation is all that is needed, but I just got back from three days off! I also wish I was in the Christmas spirit this year, but for some reason that is even depressing me today. Could someone please provide a solution before I lose my damn mind, or at least provide me with a stiff cocktail!

Lesson Of The Day: Find an outlet for your kick boxing...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Hatin on Birds

I am totally hatin on Thanksgivin. First of all, who really likes turkey that much???? Definitely not your girl Harl. I still have it for the "tradition" aspect of Thanksgiving, but it's a pain in the arse. You spend days/hours thawin the damn thing just so it can get its raw juice all over the damn kitchen. This alone sucks for an OCD cleaner like myself. I made sure not to get the turkey that you had to gut or deal with bones, because that would make me lose my damn appetite. So I have this little breast which still takes over an hour to cook and you still have leftovers for days. Just what I need, leftovers of something I eat on sandwiches year round.

The only good thing about this holiday is it reminds me to eat Stove Top Stuffin which I loooooove. Just give me a bowl of that and I'm happy!

Lesson Of The Day: Go out to eat, cookin sucks!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Hatin On Freddy

Hey strangers, it's your girl Harlem....remember me? Today I am hatin on Freddy. Who is Freddy you desktop computer. I've had this old chap for the past 6 years. An ex lame-ass of mine built him from scratch and at one time he was youthful and energetic. Fast forward 6 years....DAMN YOU FREDDY! How the hell am I supposed to keep up with this blog if he keeps movin at the speed of snail? Below are Freddy's current ailments:

1. When booting up it takes 30 minutes total. If you open any program, or try to even IM someone before that time is up, he freezes. (he's very stubborn)

2. Since it takes so long to restart Freddy, I leave him on. If you leave him on for more then 3 days straight he decides to freeze which requires a hard shut down, resulting in another 30 minute boot up.

3. When skyping/video chatting with my long distance lover Freddy refuses to let you listen to music or go on the internet at the same time. (what a brat!)

4. Freddy refuses to burn CD's using iTunes.

5. When running Mozilla, AIM, and iTunes he decides that's overload and says that 99% of the CPU is in use?!?!? This leads to snail speeds as well as the occasional frozen tantrums.

6. His front tower door is broken off and constantly falls to the floor. (thanks a lot moving company)

With all that being said I think I might have to break down and buy a new companion. Unfortunately that's not that easy with the amount of pay I get from cleanin damn grease pits. Maybe I can video tape myself and get paid to be on Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe, and then I could afford a laptop. Hell, Mike Rowe and I might even get married and then he could just buy me one.

Since this is an emergency, maybe I will go this weekend and buy a cheap netbook. Regardless, Freddy has been around longer then most friends so I cannot just throw him in the dumpster because he's old. Would you throw your grandfather in the dumpster? At least I can still watch DVDs on him!!!

Lesson Of The Day: Computers are like family, everyone deserves a second chance.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Hatin on Tunes

Holla to all my loyal subjects....I am hatin on iTunes today....majorly! Christmas time last year, or for those of you who believe "Christ" should be taken out of Christmas...then I will refer to it as....Mas?!?!? hahah kidding, your girl Harl changes for nobody! Anyways, last December I was lucky enough to receive a purp ipod nano. The deal was it came with a speaker dock and $15 gift card to itunes. So what'd your girl do...that's right bitches, I bought some tunes. I transferred them onto my pod and was all good to go, but since I was usin my mama's laptop I decided to burn them to a CD so I would have a physical copy. That alone is what also makes itunes suck because you never have a physical item so you still have to back up to CD...LAME! For some reason her laptop wouldn't burn them to CD through Ltunes (lame tunes), so needless to say the only copy I have is on my poddy.

Upon arriving home from Xmas vacay I tried to transfer them from my purple vixen to my computer Freddy (who as some would say is old and lacking, but just because he's old doesn't mean we should lay him to rest). Of course I am smarter then itunes because that idea was brilliant, but wouldn't work because they weren't the "original" items. Now I only have them on the pod and cannot even convert them for my Sansa Clip to take to the park. You see peeps I am very particular about electronics. I would never want anything to happen to my sacred pod, so I bought a $30 Sansa Clip a while ago to take to the park, but it only supports mp3's.

This is where your girl becomes lame herself....I spent more money on itunes songs because I only wanted a song here and a song there, not full CDs. You would've thought I had learned my lesson the first time around. Needless to say I am having the same problem where I obviously can't get them on my magenta pink, awesome, sansa clip or burn them to CD. WTF itunes!!! If I would've just bought all of these in CD format first I would've been able to get them on any music player I wanted. Listen iTunes...F bootleggin to other gangsters because CDs you can burn for anyone you want. Someone please kick your girl Harl in the arse next time she goes on a shopping spree on Lame-Tunes.

Lesson Of The Day: Buy the book iTunes for Dummies, because clearly I have no knowledge in this type of program!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Hatin On Honkin

Ya'll I hate Honkers. These are the people that find it necessary to honk at someone the very millisecond the light turns green. I saw someone today make a left turn in front of another car, the other car was far away and that Mo Fo still honked when he got near the intersection. WTF DB, the guy turned when you were 1,000 feet away. It's like those people who talk just to hear their own voice....they honk just to be heard. Just a warning, if you honk at your girl Harlem, don't be surprised when I get out my damn car and beat yours with a baseball bat.

Serious story here....One time, my dad and his friend where driving and his friend honked at a car in front of them. When they pulled up to a stop light the guy reached under his seat, pulled out a gun, and pointed it directly at my dad and his friend....they sped off, probably through the red light.

Lesson of the Day: Be careful when honking at others, you never know how severe their road rage is!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hatin on Coffee

In the morning my mind is completely clouded and occupied with thoughts of coffee. I swear it has crack in it, because I would sell my body for some mocha goodness. I am all good on the weekends because I don't like Starbucks and that is the only shop near my house. On Monday through Friday is when the beast in me comes out. It's called Tully's, or as I like to call it....heaven! This is the hidden gem that consumes my thoughts and fantasies.

The reason I am hatin on my slice of heaven is because I am tryin to be healthy ya'll. I am sooo good, except for that damn Mocha and Whip Cream that lays on a bed of ice. WTF?!?!? I decided your girl Harlem cannot quit cold turkey. Since there are no iced mocha patches and the doctors refuse to put me in a coma, I have decided to slowly wean myself off of this drug. I used to get a grande, then veinte, and today was my first day getting a tall...which is a small! I got non fat milk so that I could try and counteract some of the calories from the whip cream. Needless to say, your girl will be spending her night ridin the enemy....the treadmill.

Lesson of the Day: Start smokin, at least they provide nicotene patches/gum to quit that habit.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Hatin On Exercise

OMG ya'll, I am totes hatin on exercisin. Your girl Harlem is tryin to get her arse back in shape and it is NOT pretty. After you work a full day scrubbin damn grease pits, how you gonna have the energy to crawl onto a treadmill? I need a damn wheel chair to get me across Mc D's parkin lot at the end of the day because I am completely exhausted. Not to mention the damn runnin machine tried to kill me. Your girl was takin a lil walky walk when all of a sudden the damn thing jolted and your girl went flyin off. The gangstas in the apartment below me thought there was an earthquake when I hit the floor and the whole damn building shook.

Another thing I hate about exercisin is the sweat. I swear California would be the wettest state if I lived there, just from the gallons of sweat that leaks off me in a 2 minute period. They even have those treadi's that have fans on the front. Those things cost my entire life savings and then they only blow ya damn face. They need to invent a full body fan treadmill; I think I might patent that idea. Or a treadmill with air conditioning, like a lil runnin cocoon.

Also, why does running have to be so expensive? I have knee problems, so I have to buy actual running shoes which are close to a hundie. I hate goin to gyms...they should be called meat markets. All the guys are either sizin up the chicks, or checkin themselves out in the flash, you ain't all that beef head! All the hoes go in there half naked with full make up and their damn hair did. WTF?!?!?! Beyotch, this ain't a beauty pageant. Whatever happened to the normal people...oh yea....they had to spend hundreds of dollars on a damn treadmill cause ya'll make it uncomfortable for them to work out.

Lesson of the Day: In order to gain motivation to workout, make sure to dangle french fries/cheesy tots in front of ya damn treadie...I guarantee you will run your arse off!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Hatin on Bagels/Jury Duty rant continued....

Yo beyotches, it's your girl Harlem here. I have a quick lil hatin to do on some damn bagels and then I received some haterade at jury duty that I need to puke back up for ya'll.

First off, I have a love/hate relationship with onion and garlic bagels. Those damn lil bread doughnuts taste sooo amazing, that's where the love comes in. Now for the hate! When eating them the smell fumigates your surroundings. Your hands smell like it for hours, as well as your breath! Not to mention that upon toasting, all of the little onion/garlic bits fall off the bagel and get all up on your furniture. Then your furniture contains the smell. WTF?!?!? Is it really worth all the stank for that small moment of pleasure? Hell to the yea!

Now for my jury duty story. I got picked for a panel where you have to go through and answer questions out loud in front of everyone. Of course these questions pertain to the case and many of them can be slightly offensive to some people if you show any sort of bias. The problem is everyone has some sort of bias, even the damn judge announced that before the questioning. Of course when going around to everyone you get those weak bitches that say, "I'll TRY to not let it effect my judgment", "I HOPE it won't effect my decision", or they pause for 15 minutes and then answer "it will NOT effect my decision". So they get to your girl Harlem and I said, "It will DEFINITELY effect my decision". Everyone looked at me like I had the damn plague. You crazy fools, saying things like "I hope", "I'll try", and pausing for 15 minutes before answering no is essentially saying "Definitely"! These are yes and no questions grow some damn berries and answer honestly!

So after the initial round of questions the attorneys get to stand up and ask anyone they want more questions. This damn defense attorney stood up and reamed your girl Harlem out for answering "definitely". I could tell he was tryin to make me cry, but that doesn't work on your girl. I just get pissed and throw some major tudeage arrows at the Douche. He kept saying the law is that you have to vote not guilty if the prosecution doesn't prove their case. Then he asked if I would break the law and still say guilty. I said, "I haven't heard your side of the argument, but there is a possibility I would break the law." Then Dick McGee said, "So you would break the law." I said, "Fool, clean out the damn wax in your ears....YES, there is a possibility." There is a possibility that anyone would let their emotions get in the way, especially when you're referring to attempted murder. He should've yelled at the damn people that said "I'll Try". Plus, what the hell is he chewin me out for, I'm not on trial. He already knew he didn't want me, so why waste your damn breath!

After we battled back and forth and threw some punches it was over....until....the judge called me up to "sidebar". So I went over there to her and Dicky. She asked me the same questions he just did, but very nicely. Of course I answered the same way and then he got to ask me again so they could record me....AGAIN, I answered the same way. What the hell are you wastin time on askin me the same damn question 25 1/2 times? Needless to say, I was dismissed, but not before I threw a couple dirty looks at the convict who had been in the room the whole time! I'm surprised he didn't get whiplash because he looked at me and looked away faster then anyone ever has before.

Lesson Of The Day: Never mess with your girl Harlem because I DO NOT back down.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hatin On Day 2

OMG ya'll, your girl Harlem is all up in this damn courthouse 2...jury duty...nuff said.

Lesson Of The Day: No cell phones in court.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Hatin On The Duty

Damnnnn Ganstas today I am totes hatin on jury duty. I am stuck all up in this small arse room with a bunch of coke addicts. Not to mention during orientation they say be respectful to those surrounding you and step out of the room to talk on the phone. Clearly this beyotch next to me missed that section cause she has been on the phone non stop. Bitch nobody wants to hear your damn business in english or spanish. She also has some slushy thing which she didn't offer to me, but continues to LOUDLY slurp it like a damn cave woman. WTF people?!?

Unfortunately for me I sold my laptop cause I am sittin here on a damn blackberry tippa tappin away, so please excuse the misspellings/grammatical errors...which I'm sure you've seen from your girl Harlem before.

So, on anotyer note I did orientation online so I could show up 2 hours later instead of the ass crack of dawn. the video was such a joke. They said you have to dress business casual. Clearly they don't know your girl works at Mc D's cause I don't own no damn business casual clothes and I sure as hell am not gonna waste money on them for jury duty. Also, why did the orientation video say that you would be "fortunate" to b e a juror, like it's some secret society. I would prefer not to join thank you very much.

Lesson Of The Day: Do not get a state drivers license or fill out voter registration, then you can prevent coming to this disease ridden hell hole!