Friday, November 6, 2009

Hatin on Bagels/Jury Duty rant continued....

Yo beyotches, it's your girl Harlem here. I have a quick lil hatin to do on some damn bagels and then I received some haterade at jury duty that I need to puke back up for ya'll.

First off, I have a love/hate relationship with onion and garlic bagels. Those damn lil bread doughnuts taste sooo amazing, that's where the love comes in. Now for the hate! When eating them the smell fumigates your surroundings. Your hands smell like it for hours, as well as your breath! Not to mention that upon toasting, all of the little onion/garlic bits fall off the bagel and get all up on your furniture. Then your furniture contains the smell. WTF?!?!? Is it really worth all the stank for that small moment of pleasure? Hell to the yea!

Now for my jury duty story. I got picked for a panel where you have to go through and answer questions out loud in front of everyone. Of course these questions pertain to the case and many of them can be slightly offensive to some people if you show any sort of bias. The problem is everyone has some sort of bias, even the damn judge announced that before the questioning. Of course when going around to everyone you get those weak bitches that say, "I'll TRY to not let it effect my judgment", "I HOPE it won't effect my decision", or they pause for 15 minutes and then answer "it will NOT effect my decision". So they get to your girl Harlem and I said, "It will DEFINITELY effect my decision". Everyone looked at me like I had the damn plague. You crazy fools, saying things like "I hope", "I'll try", and pausing for 15 minutes before answering no is essentially saying "Definitely"! These are yes and no questions grow some damn berries and answer honestly!

So after the initial round of questions the attorneys get to stand up and ask anyone they want more questions. This damn defense attorney stood up and reamed your girl Harlem out for answering "definitely". I could tell he was tryin to make me cry, but that doesn't work on your girl. I just get pissed and throw some major tudeage arrows at the Douche. He kept saying the law is that you have to vote not guilty if the prosecution doesn't prove their case. Then he asked if I would break the law and still say guilty. I said, "I haven't heard your side of the argument, but there is a possibility I would break the law." Then Dick McGee said, "So you would break the law." I said, "Fool, clean out the damn wax in your ears....YES, there is a possibility." There is a possibility that anyone would let their emotions get in the way, especially when you're referring to attempted murder. He should've yelled at the damn people that said "I'll Try". Plus, what the hell is he chewin me out for, I'm not on trial. He already knew he didn't want me, so why waste your damn breath!

After we battled back and forth and threw some punches it was over....until....the judge called me up to "sidebar". So I went over there to her and Dicky. She asked me the same questions he just did, but very nicely. Of course I answered the same way and then he got to ask me again so they could record me....AGAIN, I answered the same way. What the hell are you wastin time on askin me the same damn question 25 1/2 times? Needless to say, I was dismissed, but not before I threw a couple dirty looks at the convict who had been in the room the whole time! I'm surprised he didn't get whiplash because he looked at me and looked away faster then anyone ever has before.

Lesson Of The Day: Never mess with your girl Harlem because I DO NOT back down.


  1. To get the onion smell off your hands, rub your hands on stainless steel.... I use the sink faucet. It works every time. I don't know what to tell you about the furniture, though. But I agree, stinky food is worth the stink. My downfall is hot garlic dill pickles and they gag my husband, but they are SSOOOOO good! Congrats on getting dismissed! Woot!

  2. Wow! You actually made it to a sidebar? Impressive! I'm so proud of you for hatin' on the judge & attorneys... not to mention the not-yet-convicted felon.

  3. Why do they insist on puting a hole in a bagel? It just means woteva you put inside is gonna squish through the middle and more shit to clean off yer funiture!

  4. Hey, they tell you to be honest. It's better that you tell the truth and say that your emotions might sway you, and that's the whole damn reason they interview people. I would be swayed, I pretty much think everybody is guilty.

  5. The last time I had jury duty, I got dismissed in less than 45 seconds.

    Something about being a state employee and not being able to get out of mandatory training did the trick.

  6. You go girl!
    Straight out honesty pays...tho it may take a bit longer.