Thursday, December 31, 2009

Hatin On Traffic...

Hey gangsta booties it's your girl!! Dude I am totes hatin on traffic...this could possibly be the second time for this rant! I was just at a bball game, yes my damn team won...why...cause your gangsta girl was there. Not only was I there, but so was the rest of the town. The traffic was horrid! Not to mention the people were bumpin and pushin.

Lesson Of The Day: Stay inside, people are the worst.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Hatin on Baggage

Hey ya'll it's your damn girl Harlem. You can call off the search party, I'm alive! Your girl is sittin here again at the damn airport wishin she wasn't so damn poor. If I had some bills I would hire me a damn muscular assistant to fly cross country with me just to carry my damn bags. I swear I broke my shoulder, neck, back, teets, and toes. The other gangstas at the airport think I'm puttin on a comedy act. They are laughin at me as I waddle by with my huge arse bag and then an additional bag that holds my Doogie Howler. WTF ya'll.

Lesson Of The Day: Wear a back brace when travelin.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Hatin on Crazies

Hey ya'll it's your girl bloggin remotely from my berry. I'm on vacay for 2 weeks and am gonna try and keep up with the bloggy blog. My Doogie is at the airport with me shoved in a lil bag, poor guy!

Anyways, today I am totes hatin on crazies. I was at the drive thru yesterday pickin up some damn tacos and this crazy starts yellin at me. She screamed, "Hurry up, Come on!" Oh hell no she could not be cluckin at me. I looked out the damn window and she was! She screamed again to hurry. I thought, Bitch don't make me get out this damn car. I yelled at her, "Are you kidding me? Shut the fuck up, I'm orderin my damn food fool!" I swear some peeps need a damn chill pill!

Lesson Of The Day: Patience people can be a damn blessin!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Hatin on Drinkin

UGHHHH....what a weekend ya'll. Your girl Harlem was jammed packed with a To-Do-List that was a mile long....unfortunately my non boy toy, boy toy was not on that list :( Anywhoozle, I got completely blitztastic on Saturday night. This reminded me why I hate drinkin. Every time I think it's a brilliant idea. I have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 100 margaritas and then I wake up suicidal the next morning.

Saturday night the Christmas Partay was brilliant. It was Mexican themed and catered. The food was To Die For. There were mini empanadas, quesadillas, tacos, carnitas...AND....best of all....Margarita machines. Since they were personal machines they were loaded with tequila and a splash of sweetness. Your girl was floatin like a damn Goodwill blimp. I feel no hate what so ever, I clearly am not responsible for my actions. When I am sauced I love everyone. I don't remember anyone's names, but I go up to them and confess my love. Not to mention I ALWAYS bust arse. I am standin completely still in my mini dress and 4 inch heels, and then BAM, your girl falls to the floor laughing...scraped my damn knees and all. I feel no pain, have no energy to fight with anyone, life is good. I wish I could always be nonchalant like that, no worries, it's an amazing feeling.

Fast Forward to the next mornin....Sunday, or Hell Day as I call it. I woke up with a headache, stomachache, and eyes a burnin. I stayed in bed off and on for hours before I rolled out from under the covers like a beached whale. The only thing I felt like doin was gettin a coffee and takin a brisk walk because it was freezing outside. So all of this doesn't sound to incredibly bad, except for the fact I completely lost track of time. It took me so long to get up and actually get movin that I still had all these errands to run and only a few hours to do them. Not to mention, since I was so lost on time I forgot to contact my brosky and boy toy. I kept sayin to myself...."girl you just gotta finish this and then call them..." Yea it didn't work out that way, the next thing I knew it was 5 hours later and I still hadn't called! Did I mention I was runnin around town with swollen eye balls and greasy bed head? I swear someone stopped me and offered me money cause they thought I was homeless!

Then to calm down from a hectic day I went walkin at the park again at night time. I was just finishin up when it turned dark. This dude is slowly followin me on this lil midgie bike. I turned around and he rides right up next to your girl and peddles while staring. He's lucky I didn't have my damn nine, cause I was bout to bust a cap in his ass. So then since I am a lot of talk and no action I started runnin. The Mo Fo started peddlin faster. I know I am drop dead gorgi, but are you F-ing kidding me???? Umm, do I look like a damn marathon runner? He finally stopped and just started laughing. I swear to god I should've pummeled that Douche. I guess to look on the bright side (which I rarely do) he gave me a good work out, but not in a good way ;0)

Lesson Of The Day: Do not drink the night before a day of chores...it's worst punishment then being grounded!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hatin on Cats That Copy

Hey ya'll, it's your girl Harlem back in action....woo boy am I sweaten to those damn oldies! Let me just tell ya'll how much I hate cats that copy. I know your girl is brilliant, unique, and totes hilar...but do you seriously gotta copy my shiz? If I had all my damn sayins copyrighted I would make a milly and a half. I would be able to peace out of Mc D's sooo fast I'd get a damn speedin ticket.

I should start makin Harlem t-shirts with my sayins, twits, and blogs so peeps can't take my damn material! Even Paris Hilton stole my shiz...who do you think started the phrase "loves it"....ME...HARLEM! Any ideas on how I can market this big, beautiful woman? I have to up my visitors as well!
Lesson Of The Day: Keep your trap door shut before some unoriginal Lamester banks off your idea!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hatin on Facebook

UGH ya'll, I am totes hatin on Facebook today. This damn interweb site causes so much trouble it gives me a damn headache. When it comes to relationships, I truly think Facebook can break a couple up. I have first hand experience with the troubles it caused between my previous 2 EX's.

First of all, can you please chill out with the status updates. Does anyone really need to know that your child bites hard when you're breast feeding? It's just as bad as the women that whip their damn teet out in the middle of Denny's! And what is up with people who have their EX's pictures plastered all over facebook when they are with a new person??? Facebook ain't no damn photo album for your life, take that shit down and show some damn respect for your new Hoe. The only reason to even keep your ex on Facebook is to A. either make them jealous, or B. you actually still have some sort of feelins there...but if you ask me A and B go hand in hand…regardless, it’s unnecessary and only causes drama.

One of my ex's, we'll call him DB #1, knew I had Facebook/MySpace. That Mo Fo was on those damn sites for 6 months before I found out and he STILL didn't add me as a friend. WTF arse, you probably have "single" as your relationship status. That's a clear red flag that he was hidin shiz. Another ex, we'll call him Psycho #1, was pushin me to change my damn relationship status from single to taken. Of course I never did...why??? Because I was a shady Mo Fo that didn't want other guys to know I was taken! If you’re with someone, you should want people to see you are taken, and you should want pictures and sweet messages up...if that changes, there is a problem. This same Psycho went to this party and told me no girls were aloud and that's why I wasn't invited. A week later I saw a picture of his dirty ass gettin a lap dance from this skank at some bar. The picture was posted on his friends Facebook page. Believe it or not, your girl Harlem did not freak out. I simply showed him the pict and said, "what's up with this". First mistake, he lied and said it wasn't him. Hmmmm, I may work at Mc D's, but I am no fool. So when he finally owned up to it, he then blamed it on me sayin I was snooping. What the F dip shit, it was on your friends public page! My philosophy is...it isn't snooping if you have nothing to hide. Also...just a tip, I guarantee you that gangstas see your activity on Facebook before you have time to delete the "update" message off your wall. If you're doin nothin wrong, then why hide it?

Lesson Of The Day: Delete Facebook, its way more trouble then its worth! Maybe I'll be deletin mine today.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hatin on Xmas

Normally your girl is all into the merryness of Christmas, but not this year...Bah Humbug! I don't want to be visited by any Christmas spirits or anything, but damn I am so not feelin it. See why below...

1. I have no damn money to buy gifts, which seems expected this time of year.

2. Why exchange gifts with friends? It's like buyin yourself somethin, but it's not what you really wanted.

3. What in the hell do you get a boss who has everything when you have nothing?

4. You want me to spend how long with family?

5. I thought I mentioned I needed to diet....that's nearly impossible during this wretched holiday! Children at the mall already mistake me for Santa Claus...WTF ya'll I have boobs!

6. Give to the poor....I AM the poor!

7. The hanging of Christmas lights....ugh, too much energy required to take them out of the damn closet and hang them just for a week.

8. Christmas songs...Sadly enough I have learned to tune these out, just doesn't feel like Christmas this year.

9. All retail stores are packed this time of year and I hate people!

I wish cupid would come down and shoot me with a damn Christmas arrow so I could feel the love this year.

Lesson Of The Day: Tell strangers Merry Christmas...fug em if they get offended that "Christ" is in the damn word. Oh and Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night...LOL!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Hatin on Seafood Diet

Hey ya'll guess who's back in action...your girl Harlem, as if any of you 3 readers give a damn. Anyways, I am bloggy bloggin at the damn airport today, so please disregard any unusual spellings.

First off, I am on the seafood diet at the moment...I see food and I eat it. Well being at the airport doesn't help me break this diet, but fuels it instead.

How come every time you are at the airport food becomes even more of a drug? You have to have your snack from home(choc chip cookies), then you get here and have to buy chips, candy, and bubblegum. Of course you need to have a well balanced meal so you stop at Mc D's for "real" food. Forget layovers, because what else is there to do to kill time... Eat another balanced meal at The King Burg! What The Hell ya'll, your girl is taking down this plane with all the pounds she's packin!

Lesson Of The Day: If you're dietin, stay away from the airport!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

OOT

Hey all of my loyal lovers....just wanted to give ya'll a heads up that your girl is gonna be unhooked from the blogverse until Dec. 14th. Check back in on Monday for more hatin and debatin.....

No Lessons Today, what do I look like....a damn teacher?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Hatin on Guilt

Your girl is fumin mad today ya'll. I am totes hatin on guilt trips. My fam wonders why I don't tell them things....maybe it's because every time I do, they guilt me into doing something I don't want to.

For example, I was going to take a trip to their neck of the damn woods and not tell them. I only had two days with my non boy toy, boy toy and I knew they would want to delegate a certain amount of time for me to be with family. Of course, your girl ended up tellin the damn truth (always a bad idea). Guess what happened???? They have delegated one whole day of my two to be with family!!!! I already, on my own, delegated time to be with my brosky, but then they guilted me into seein my cousin and gramps. WTF people? You can't just stop by and say hi for 30 mins and peace out, they gotta be all up in your damn grill for hours! They reeled me in with the damn line about, "you don't know how much longer he'll live". SERIOUSLY?!?!? Can you be any more manipulative? Call me a selfish bitch, that's fine I agree, but at the same time why you still tryin to run my damn life?! Not to mention, gramps is comin to visit for Christmas in two weeks! Unfortunately, I am not as heartless as everyone thinks and will be stoppin by to see him....doesn't mean I'm not pissed about how it went down!

Lesson Of The Day: If I am keepin a secret from my family, trust that there is a really good reason why!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Hatin on Twitter

I am embarrassed to say this ya'll, but your girl has joined Twitter (http://twitter.com/harlemshaterade). What the hell is this world comin to that Harlem, of all people, has become a follower in society's "norm". I hate Twitter, but now that I have joined I suppose I am a hypocrite, but that's ok because I invented the double standard. I mean honestly, no one cares what you are doing 24 hours a day. I highly doubt anyone will even read my damn "twits" (I know its tweets, but I have to make it original). The only people who deserve to use Twitter are celebs...but then I suppose I could sell my autograph for 50 buckaroons which would put me at A-List status, right??
Also, I think Twitter is just another way for people to stalk you. Not only can they stalk you through Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, and even by googlin you, but now if you have Twitter they can know where you are every second of every day. If you see your girl Harlem stiff on the front page of the damn paper one day, tell my fam to sue Twitter! The t-shirt below will help you better understand my feelings on this subject. Actually every t-shirt on this site is perfect for your girl Harlem http://www.tshirthell.com/store/link.php?id=c25vdzJibGF6ZXM=

Lesson Of The Day: If you care, check out my new Twitter account (link above in first sentence, DUH!)

Friday, December 4, 2009

Hatin on Public Urination Stations

Hey ya'll. Today I am toastin a big glass of haterade to public restrooms. I was in one today and it lit a damn fire up in me, for real!

What is up with chicks peein on the damn seats? What’s the deal, are you standin to pee...maybe your Christmas wish for a penis came true. You must be goin to a damn fire if you're in that big of a hurry that you can't wait to finish before you get up and fling your damn diseased piss everywhere. Do I look like your mother? Do you think I want to clean up after your bodily fluids? Men aren't even that dirty, at least they can aim straight.

So not only did the urination stations have pee pee on them, but they weren't flushed either. WTF ya'll! Everybody drops mega loads, we get that, but nobody wants to see it!

Upon finishin my business, I then go to wash my hands. There are two sinks up in this place and one is being used properly, by someone washin their hands. The other one is taken up by this bitch to put on her damn makeup. Does it look like your damn vanity area? Bitch that make up isn't goin to make your ugly ass face look any better, so be kind and move over so my fat arse can wash my damn disease infested hands.

Lesson Of The Day: Use the men’s restroom its cleaner.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Hatin on Women

Well look who it is....it's your damn girl Harlem! Today I am totes hatin on bein a woman, see my examples on why it sucks havin a vajay.

1. I won't waste any time bein repetitive, so revisit the "Hatin on Shavin" from 10/22/09 and the recent "Hatin on Waxin".

2. Due to the above, showers take longer. It takes longer for girls to wash their hair because they use shampoo AND conditioner. Usually our hair is longer then the male species so it takes additional time to wash the entire product out. Also, we must shave our arm pits, legs (which takes an eternity), and in some cases your hoo haw. You can't forget to add in the standard amount of time just for the washin of the body. Once us women are out of the shower it takes a long time to dry our hair, style it, put lotion on, make up, and pick out clothes.
*Men only have to put some soap in their short hair, and wash their body. Some only shave their face and still manage to bitch about it. Boo Hoo pussy pants, try waxin, then you can cry!

3. It's more acceptable for a man to be overweight than a woman. If a woman is overweight she is expected to go on a milly diets and spend hours in the gym. If a man is overweight that means he has graduated from boyhood and is now found more sexy/more manly.

4. If a guy is feeling frisky and goes out and cheats on his woman, he then becomes a "hero". If a woman cheats, she just becomes a whore/hoe/slut, etc.

5. Women have to go through pregnancy. Not only do they have to monitor the male to make sure his swimmers don't escape, but then if any do...they have the burden of dealing with the lil bastard. Before pregnancy they have to deal with cravings, which lead to huge weight gain, moodiness, morning sickness, etc. Then they have to deal with the excruciating pain from being in labor and all of the gory details that go along with it. After the lil pea pod shoots out of the canal they then have the pleasure of breast feeding a baby that occasionally will pinch your nipple, again uncomfortable. Not to mention the nip leaks, or if you work you have to use a "lactation room" to pump. Also, the woman is the one that tends to get up late at night when this new joy is screamin at the top of its damn lungs. You also have the pleasure of trying to get rid of all of the baby weight you've gained, because god forbid your dick of a husband goes out and diddles the secretary...HA, what a hero!

6. Women have periods. With these comes cramps, tender teets, "occasional" moodiness, cravings, and did I mention blood...looks like a damn massacre!! All of which lasts a week if you're lucky. Once you are over this punishment you are given the blessing of menopause...HA, I won't even go there!

7. When men get wrinkles they are told that they get "sexier with age". When women get wrinkles they are directed to the nearest plastic surgeon. Again, this can lead the men to become a hero and diddle the cashier at the 99 Cent store!

8. Women have to see the Gynecologist yearly. We become violated by a stranger. Why can't they just teach boyfriends how to do this routine check up, it'd probably be wayyy more comfortable! Do I have to mention the "boob squish" test....yea, what a blessing it is to be a woman!

Lesson Of The Day: Ask Santa for a penis for Christmas, your life will be way easier.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Hatin on Waxin

Hey ya'll....sooo I did it....I decided to follow the "in" crowd and get a bikini wax. Here's the story of my adventure with Harriet (my home girl from Mc D's).

Harriet suggested it would be a lot easier if I got sauced first; it would help with the awkwardness of undressing in front of a complete stranger. So after a long day at Mc D's we went out for some drinks. Three tequila shots later your girl Harl was feelin no pain. Hell I could've gotten a damn bikini wax while jumpin out of a plane with no parachute on. Upon arriving to "Wendy's Waxin Wonderland", Lisa (the devil) called me into the back room to begin my transformation. Talk about awkward....she stood there and said she was ready and just stared at me. This is when the tequila shots came in handy. Normally your girl is all shy about strangers, but I stripped right down like it was my job, jumped on the bench, and spread em wide. All while sayin, "take it all off" (what was I thinkin).

Now the fun begins....Lisa spreads the wax on my bikini line and lays the first strip while talking about how she could tell I shave....RIIIIIIIP. I immediately think, WOW this isn't bad at all! Boy was I wrong...she continues searchin and rippin through my lady bits, layer after layer. I keep thinkin to myself, why the hell is she not wearin gloves. Call me immature, but how damn nasty it must be to touch a strangers Hernany with bare hands! Then after a majority of the rips she continually is showin me the damn hairy strip sayin, "it hurt so bad cause 3 hairs in one, next time not hurt so bad." Then she'd show me another, "look how many hairs in that one." Yea Lisa, thanks, not interested! Once she had finished mowin half of my snicker doodle she rubs it and says, "so soft, feel how soft." I shook my head and said, "yea, looks great." She yelped, "NOOO, feel!" She proceeded to grab my damn hand and rub it up and down on the bare spot. WTF Lisa! I get it...smooth...you're a pro, but was that necessary? The second half was a lot more painful because I was gettin really sore from the constant rippin of flesh and hair. So, just when I think she is finished she whips out the damn tweezers. She starts tweezin the lady bits! WTF, who the hell thought of that?!?!? Not to mention I am sore as hell so every little hair she tweezes feels like someone is rippin knives out of my cootie.

So experience over, right...WRONG again! She has me turn on my side. So, I roll over facing her. She says, "other way." So I roll over facin the wall, away from Lisa. At this point I am thinkin she is gonna have me scissor kick up to reach some hidden hairs....well these hairs were hidden alright. She takes her bare hands and spreads my damn butt cheeks and waxes away. That's right ladies and gents, this may be TMI, but she waxed my damn B-Hole! I didn't even get a warnin! I didn't even get asked if I wanted it, how violatin. And people have the audacity to question me when I say I don't like surprises.

So now I am done, bare as the day I was born. Talk about a sobering experience, no Alcoholics Anonymous classes needed, just take them to get waxed. I walked out to see Harriet with this huge smile on her face. I said, "Girl, you didn't mention them waxin the garbage disposal." She said, "I know, I figured it'd be better if you didn't know that minor detail." HA...Minor my arse...literally!

I was sore all of the next day. It felt like I had a damn sunburn. Plus, I developed a wax burn from my flesh bein ripped off. Some would think I was crazy, but I will definitely be givin Lisa a shout out in 2 weeks. Supposedly if you keep up with it, it lasts 6-8!

Lesson Of The Day: Use Bikini Zone cream (can be found at Target)...your shave bumps disappear immediately!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Hatin on Motherly Emails

Holla to all you haters out there, it's your girl Harlem. I know you bout had a damn heart attack because today is my second day in a row bloggin, that hasn't happened for weeks! Ok, so here's the dealio....my non boy toy, boy toy is/was in town for a Thanksgiving rendezvous and my ma knew this and decided to send me a lil "reminder" email (see below).

SUBJECT: Happy Turkey Day
"Nothing is 100% safe from STDs and pregnancy. Love You, Mom"


Of course this pisses your girl Harl off for many reasons, see my response email below.

SUBJECT: RE: Happy Turkey Day

"Happy Thanksgivin Ma
1. FYI, Abstinence is 100% safe from STDs and Pregnancy.
2. I am 25 and have been through so many required sex education classes throughout my whole life that I am pretty much an expert on sexual precautions.
3. I don't know why you are discriminatin against me for not being married. That being said, I have CC'ed Malika
(my married sis) on this email so she can be informed of this information as well.

Love You,
Harlem

P.S. I'm Pregnant, congrats grandma!"

Lesson Of The Day: Of course it is not fun to wear a raincoat when it's sunny outside, but it's a valid precaution to take in case of a sudden downpour. Oh and your girl does NOT have a bun in this oven!