Friday, February 19, 2010

Hatin on Disobedience

Hey ya'll, your girl is freakin exhausted. This is probably due to my disobedient stripper, Candy. She gets so excited to see me in the morning and at night that she goes ape shit. That lil dog jumps on every couch 10 times AND on the damn coffee table. Thank GAWD I haven't gotten new tables yet cause the lil shit would've scratched the hell outta them. I was changin my damn clothes yesterday and I heard her jump on the coffee table, so I run outta my damn bedroom with my pants in hand. I chased her around the table tryin to spank her. I may not have made contact, but I definitely scared the shiz outta her. She ran under my bed and looked at me so pitifully. Your girl Harl is totally gonna get her into Obedience School ASAP! This is my 3rd week with the hellraiser and I love her, but she needs to slow her damn roll.

*Note: If you wonder why I call my newly adopted dog Candy a stripper it's because the name Candy is #2 on the list of top 10 stripper names.

Lesson Of The Day: Dogs really are like children...luckily for society I believe in spankins!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hatin on Overtime

Hey ya'll, phew thank Gawd for Monday off! I worked so much damn overtime on Friday that I shouldn't have to work this week...that is assuming I lived in a perfect world, but I don't so it's back to the grease pits.

I hate workin overtime, especially because it usually comes out of the blue. Friday I started off workin a normal shift...flirtin at the window, then bustin arse at the pit. Then outta nowhere my damn manager tells me I gotta stay late cause he has to go talk to someone in corporate. What the damn fig newton?!?! Are you kiddin me. He informs me that he doesn't know when he'll be back for his late shift (since we're open 24 hours). Guess how long your girl had to stand around....till 1am fools! That is 1am on a Friday night. The only other person there with me was Pervie Patrick! This dude is like 70 years old AND he got sued by a prostitute...no joke! That's who they left me there with all alone. I kept havin visions of him walkin around the damn corner, yellin surprise, and then seein him butt naked with his wrinkly Willis flappin in the wind. Thankfully I survived, but the thought still gives me nightmares.

Lesson Of The Day: When approached to work overtime, tell your boss you came down with a case of Leprosy.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hatin on Skeezers

Your girl is totes hatin on Skeezy guys today. If you've read my blog you may recall that a few months ago a guy in my apartment building approached me in the elevator and told me how pretty I was. Anyways, he lives on the same floor as I do so he's helped me move my entertainment center in and out of my apartment, and things of that nature. A couple of weeks ago he even commented on my damn beauty again! Now I know I am the bomb diggity, but damn this guy has the fever! He has a girlfriend that lives with him, and every time we are all in the elevator together it is sooo awkward. No one talks to each other. He will say hi to me and then she will try to talk to him and he ignores her. Acts like he doesn't even know this damn chick! He may be a skeezer and not have a chance in hell with your girl right now , but he is some definite eye candy that I can appreciate!

Damn my apartment buildin is loaded with hunks. It's like every time I get in the damn elevator there is a new one smilin at me and shiz. I am gonna start widdlin notches on my damn bed post for all the guys I've been hookin in that damn lucky arse elevator.

Lesson Of The Day: Who needs Match.com when you have an apartment building infested with horny men?!?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Hatin on Dog Clothes

I don't know if ya'll picked up on this or not, but Candy the once impregnated stripper is this dog I've been fostering. She is sooo cute and really low maintenance like Doogie Howler. Anyways, I am going to adopt her. I admit, I am one of those Lamesters that buys dog clothes for their lil ones. I'm sorry, but when it is rainin they shiver and shake, so of course they need a damn raincoat people! Of course they need damn sweaters for the winter cause they get colder then us damn humans. The problem is they have soooo many cuter clothes for girl dogs then boys. Needless to say I've been goin crazy on pink clothes for my lil stripper and I don't even like the damn color pink....just seems to suit a lil girl doogie. They are so damn expensive. I wish I was womanly and could sew cause I would make a damn killen and I wouldn't even have to rob a damn bank! Good thing I am sellin shiz on ebay....what is my loss in a boy toy, is someone elses gain in jewelry and my gain in money!

Lesson Of The Day: Who needs kids when you have quiet, potty trained dogs that you can dress up and when they're bad you can put them in a cage!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hatin on Strip Clubs

Hey ya'll, damn I've been so bad at bloggin. Today I'm keepin it short with a lil strip club bashin. Why are soooo many strip clubs called "Gentlemen's Club"? What TRUE gentleman goes to a damn strip club? It's half naked to butt naked girls dancin around for pervs to oogle at. Then you can throw money at them. If you're lucky you can go into a damn VIP room and get your goodies on with these damn hoes. What the frig about any of that is gentlemanly?

I need the money, if I dance around will you paypal me some Benjamins?

Lesson Of The Day: Do NOT call yourself a gentleman if you go to titty bars, if you're cool bein a Desperate Douche then have at it!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Hatin on Dildo

Hey ya'll! Damn, your girl has been so busy. Between work, workin out, friends, lovers, Candy-the once impregnated stripper, Doogie Howler, and hangovers...your girl can barely find the time to breathe! Anyways, I went to bed last night to the sounds of the movie Raising Helen in the background. At 2am I hear sounds from the home shopping network. I pry my damn balls of eye open and what the friggle does your girl see???? A damn purple dildo. The Home Shoppin Network was sellin pleasure machines in my favorite color! Not to mention, the girl displaying these fake genitalia was wearing a hideous nerdy sweater and a headband! She looked like she just came from the golf course. The only image in my head today is of a bright purple penis. I don't know about you all, but I prefer any John Thomas that comes near me to be 100% real Kosher beef!

Lesson Of The Day: Turn off the TV before you go to sleep.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Hatin on Ex's

This weekend I was watchin Dexter, that show on Showtime about the man that secretly kills evil people. Anyways, Rita (Dexter’s girlfriend) was having a girl’s night out with Debra (Dexter's sister). Rita was expressing how she missed her ex husband, the good things about him. Debra had some good advice...she said:

"It's not the person you miss, because you know he doesn't offer anything. It's the way he made you feel about yourself that's real."

What do ya'll think about this? Do you think it's true? I feel like just when I am finally gettin over an ex, someone else comes in my damn life and starts the whole damn cycle over again. Then you look back and have those days where you miss one/all of them. I felt like I was missin them all for different reasons, but I wasn't. I was missin each asshole for the same reason, that damn feelin was gone; secure, beautiful...happy. It wasn't their quirks, or their affection, but the happiness and excitement I felt from those things.

You can get a similar feelin from even just a damn stranger, granted it doesn't last as long. For example, I was in the elevator of my apartment building Saturday and one of the tenants looked over at me and said, "You are really pretty, but I bet you get that a lot." I said, "No I don't get that at all," which was a great conversation bust. It would've been better if he'd said I was fine as hell, but just him sayin that made me feel so damn beautiful...I was walkin on air. Even if this is a completely harmless situation, at least you have the happiness back. It may not last a long, but 5 minutes is better than nothing. I swear my elevator/apartment building is magical cause lightnin strikes every time I get in!

Lesson Of The Day: Find somethin that will make yourself happy without havin to rely on someone else.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Hatin on Doogie

Hey ya'll, today I am totes hatin on Doogie Howler. He is the only man in my life that has never let me down, and today he has failed me. Let me give you a visual image of this lil terror....he's 5 years old, 3lbs., Chihuahua. He NEVER barks. He spends most of his days sleepin, and he refuses to eat people food unless it's Nacho Doritos (his mothers fav.). Hell, Doogie refuses to eat even dog food unless it's Steak Moist and Meaty, or Snausages. With the exception of his picky food habits he is really low maintenance, which I love. He sleeps in until I wake him and he's magnificently potty trained.

For some reason today Doogie decided to be a real damn dog and cause some trouble. It started with him gorgin himself with his moist and meaty (which if you knew Doogie, that would normally make me happy). Unfortunately, he ate too damn much and too damn fast and ended up pukin right next to my damn couch! Next I walk into my damn love nest and see Doogie has knocked over the damn trash can, which is literally 3 times his height and size. This has spilled papers and old dog food crumbs EVERYWHERE! Insert mental picture of me on my hands and knees with my damn handy vac! Your girl Harlem looks to her right and what does she see now????? Dog pee! It's all over the side of the closet door seepin onto the carpet and in the closet track. This is a complete shock to me because Doogie is a male dog, but never once in his 5 years of livin has he EVER lifted his leg on anything. Never marked his territory...NOTHING! So he breaks his clean record of bein potty trained AND learns to lift his leg all on the same day...LOVELY! So much for low maintenance. Could someone point me in the direction of an animal shelter cause Doogie's goin to boarding school.

Lesson Of The Day: That's why boarding school/animal shelters were invented...for all bad boys, girls, and pets.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hatin on UV Water

Have ya'll gangstas ever heard of a thing called UV Water?? Well at work they let us have an unlimited supply of this shiz called UV Water. It's a machine that runs water through a UV filtration which is supposed to zap out all the dirties. I swear this shiz is fryin my insides. How can water that has been zapped with damn UV rays be good for you? Peeps knock your girl Harlem for vacationin in a damn tannin bed...always sayin I'm gonna get skin cancer. Isn't that what UV Water is going to do? I'm gonna get skin cancer regardless if it's from a bed or water, the only difference is I'll either be tan or white. Sorry ya'll I choose to be a bronzed beauty. I may not be hydrated, but at least I'll be tan and beautiful in my coffin!

Lesson Of The Day: Step away from the water hole.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Hatin on Rain

OMG ya'll does it ever stop rainin in this damn hell hole??? I swear, rain is only sexy in the movie The Notebook (see image)!

It's been downpourin for nearly a damn week. My hair is all kinked out in curls, and my clothes are completely see through (I know some of you are thankin God for that). It sucks when I'm at work because all I want to do is be home with Doogie readin raunchy romance novels or playin my damn Wii. Side note, I got Super Paper Mario for Wii last night....amazeballs is all that needs to be said! Also, when I reach out of the drive-thru window my clothes get drenched again which forces me to strip butt naked in front of all of our loyal customers. I should be chargin for that kind of exposure!

Durin the weekend the rain sucks because I can't go runnin at the damn park. When I tried, my workout clothes got so muddy I just threw them away. Last weekend I went out on the town when it was stormin and got drenched like a damn dog. The only good thing about bein wet is I had a lot of guys offer to give me their jackets and warm me up...what gentlemen, or Creepensteins, you decide. The only thing left to do if you are even willin to brave the weather is go to the movies. It's a good thing there are a lot out I want to see. If you're lookin for your girl Harl this weekend and it's rainin, check out the local theatre...that's where Doogie and I will be.

Lesson Of The Day: Roll up your pant legs when walkin in the rain, it's no fun sportin soaked jeans all day!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Hatin on Treading

Hey ya'll, it's your girl Harlem bloggin straight from her mansion in the hills. I had today off from work for my home boy MLK. As nice as it is to have a day off from the grease pits, I am stuck inside due to the damn rain. That means I've been hitten the damn treadmill hard instead of the park. By now ya'll know I have been eatin healthy and workin out like a well oiled machine. I tread and Wii Fit it Mon-Fri and Park and Tennis it, Saturday and Sunday. Needless to say I have my days of complete boredom with Frank (my treadmill). I have decided that I need a new activity for those days...SEX! That's right my friends...according to Nutrisystem's calculations, if you have 1 hour of vigorous sexual activity it burns 116 calories (yes, lower then runnin on Frank). Now I don't know about you all, but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun then the damn Treadmill. Plus, I am sure when they were calculatin the calorie burnage, they weren't thinkin of your girl Harl...so lets get freaky with it and burn those calories ya'll, any takers?

Lesson Of The Day: Wear protection when workin out, we don't need anymore lil bastards runnin around.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Hatin on Bad Habits

Everybody has bad habits whether it's smokin, drinkin, drugs, sex, etc. Maybe your girl should feel lucky that mine are only food and bitin my damn nails. Now that I have the food thing in check, I have noticed that I have been gnawin away at my damn claws. WHAT THE HELL YA'LL?!?! I am so self conscious of them anyways because they are friggen nubs, but now it's even worse...I have bitten them so low that they hurt and bleed! The only way to temporarily fix it is to fake it and get my nails done, but I've been tryin to save some money. This habit has gotten so bad that I even had a nightmare about it. Here goes....

The man of my dreams popped the damn question to me and he went to slide the huge 50 carat ring onto my damn finger. Upon pullin my hand outta my pocket I noticed that I hadn't been to see Tin Min at Perfect Nails yet, so instead of a nice fake set of nails I had 1/2 inch nubs! I ripped my hand away and broke my lovers heart by yellin, "Didn't I tell you not to pop the damn question till I had my nails done!"

I jumped awake pouring sweat. PHEW, it was only a dream. Seriously though, what man proposes to a lady when she repeatedly asks to wait till she's seen Tin Min! Thank goodness he's not a real man, or is, but isn't. I wish they provided some sort of aid to help the biters stop bitin. That nail polish that is supposed to taste bad just tastes like bananas. That doesn't stop real biters! On a side note...I think your girl is actually goin to break down and get a Mac for real. I have the money, am just waitin to storm the store and buy it out....this could possibly happen today, hooty damn hoo!!!!

Lesson Of The Day: Take up smoking...at least you get 15 minute free breaks at work, and if you want to quit they provide patches and gum to help stop!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hatin on Starin

Damn this must be a world record cause I am postin twice today! Dude this guy was just walkin towards your girl, and yes...I am the only one around. He was starin at me, in my damn eyeballs the whole time. It was awkward, so your girl smiled at him. What'd that prick do? He turned the mother f'in corner and still stared, but never cracked a smile. He must be tryin to prevent wrinkles, or maybe his teeth are yellow and crooked. I mean I know I am drop dead gorgi, and guys have been known to stutter around me, and maybe he wasn't focused on my eyes, but my ginormous twins...but damn bitch, I did just smile at you!

Lesson 2 Of The Day: It's called a camera....take a picture bitch it lasts longer!

Hatin on American Idol

UGHHHHH, your girl has done it again....that's right; I've been watchin American Idol. Every year I swear I'm not gonna do it, especially since they added a 4th judge. Well this year I've fallen off the wagon. They are back to 4 judges, minus Paula Abdul. I don't mind Paula is gone because I've never liked her. She's way too nice and I got sick of hearin her tell everyone they looked good, instead of commentin on their damn singin. As the seasons went on you couldn't even understand her because she's so drugged up. Paula, please save the world and check yourself into a damn looney bin...please! The new 4th judge they added was Kara Dio-retarded. She acts like a major know-it-all, but it seems like she is doing it just for more air time. Bitch, nobody knows who you are, get over yourself! One guy this season even called you Paula 5 times, get the hint!

Two episodes have aired so far with guest judges Victoria Beckham (my favorite Spice Girl growin up) and Mary J. Blige. I don't get what the Producers were thinkin with these two. In both of their episodes they barely said a damn word. I think they were used to get viewers and to look pretty because you know they don't have a damn cell in that brain. Could someone please feed Vikki B. a cookie? I thought she was gonna faint from malnutrition. That bitch is a walkin skeletor. Not to get off topic, but there's a girl that works at Mc D's that is a skeletor and I am always shovin fries down her damn face, not a good role model. Also, Mary J.B....with all that money you got girl wouldn't you think to go to a damn laser surgeon and remove that huge, ugly arse star tat off your damn shoulder? How can you judge some of these freaks on their appearance when you got the North Star coverin the top half of your damn bicep?

Supposedly Ellen DeGeneres is supposed to be the 4th judge later on this season. I think she is funny as hell, but I don't think she can or will appropriately criticize people on their singin. Next season there are rumors that Simon Cowell will not be judging American Idol. If that is the case I definitely won't be watchin. He is the only reason I tune in. He is like the male version of your girl Harl. He's such an arse, but there are so many people that need that harsh criticizm to get the point.

Lesson Of The Day: The only good thing to come from American Idol is Daughtry.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hatin on Formal Wear

Does any of my gangstas watch the Bachelor? I know this is probably the last thing you expect me to comment on considering everything that happened in last nights episode (1/11), but do ya'll remember Jake and Ali's one on one date? What the hell was up with her gettin those damn diamonds and then wearin a damn formal dress? Poor girl was stuck ridin a motorcycle dressed for prom. His lazy ass wore damn jeans and a polo. Your girl Harl kept thinkin Jakey Poo was gonna change into a suit, but NO he never did, not even for the fancy candlelit dinner. Then they decided to take a jog on a grassy field to get to a private concert. You think I would be runnin down a damn field in my princess gear? Hell to the no, I would've stripped naked before I rained sweat on my gown. At least someone told the poor girl to take a hair clip, which she utilized off and on throughout the date.

Lesson Of The Day: Fellas, please properly prepare your dates for the evenings festivities.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Hatin on Feelin

Could some hunky, tan, muscular, Lifeguard God come perform some damn CPR on your girl? I swear I've stopped breathing. Have you ever had that moment in life where you literally realize you are holding your breath? This morning before headin to the grease pit I realized that is exactly what I was doin. I have no idea for how long, but I suppose I am lucky to be alive. How come when I am swimmin underwater I can only hold it for a few seconds, but when you are in that moment of emotional pain you can hold it for minutes upon minutes?

I used to be this strong woman...actually bitter might be a more accurate word then strong. I didn't take any crap from anyone, but lately I find myself drowning in it. My tough exterior has been cracked and I am completely falling apart. I hate feelings. As lame as it may sound...I hate the "feeling" part of feelings. I wish I could literally remove my tear ducts because poor Doogie is about to float away. Hmmm, how come Doogie Howler is the only one in my life that has always been there for me? He's always around, always comforting, always loving unconditionally, and the poor chap has only been around 5 years (35 in doog yrs).

So, enough about my feelings and sadness and blah blah blah, lets amp this puppy up. I will just channel all of this shiz into something that will better me...like my new workout regime! At this pace I will be lookin like one of those damn Vikki Secrets models in a month or two. If you go to the beach and you see an uber hot chiclet rollin around on the sand, come say hi, cause it's your girl doin her part to make the beach look better!

Lesson Of The Day: We all need to remember that time does heal all wounds...maybe.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Hatin on Stank

Damn ya'll your girl got home at 2am this morning from the aeropuerto (That's airport in Spanish). Let me just tell you there was a major stank goin on in my damn crib. The toxic fumes jolted inside my nostrils, suffocatin the life outta your girl. So where did this stank come from???? Not from the damn basura (trash in spanish), I am smart enough to know to always empty the trash before vacay. Not comin from Doogie cause he was chillen with me for two weeks. Not comin from Ex-non-boy-toy, cause he's on another planet. The only thing left to do was search the entire casa (home in spanish). What was I lookin for you might ask....a damn rat! I searched high and low; every nook and granny (yes GRANNY) was searched! I even pulled back my sheets to make sure nothin crawled all up in my damn bed, I can't have anything interfere when the magic happens.

Still....NOTHIN....there is no source for this odor. I guess it gets that stank from the air not circulatin for two weeks. I plugged in some Glade in every outlet possible. Hopefully Doogie Howler and all of my prized possessions are not fried from an outlet fire when I get home.

Lesson Of The Day: It may be worth it to invest in a house sitter.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Hatin on Leavin

I am totes hatin on leavin. Your girl is once again at the damn airport, I practically live here! That has all changed and this is my last damn flight at least for a few months. Anyways, I hate comin home after vacation, it's soooo quiet. Don't get me wrong, the quiet is nice and I can focus on me again, but it's still hard to get used to. This holiday I was surrounded by family and animals...4 dogs and a pig to be exact. Doogie Howler loved the attention and I'm sure he'll be sad to be home alone again.

Lesson Of The Day: Is home really where the heart is?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Hatin on New Years

Hey ya'll, today I am totes hatin on new years. Not New Years day necessarily, just new years in general. What good are they?? All it means is your gettin older. I make my damn resolutions and barely stick to them, but this year your girl is turnin over a new leaf! I actually have been workin out and eatin healthy! Bring on bikini season, cause I'm gettin ready. I will be walkin into the damn grocery store in a string, thong bikini. I'm gonna sleep in my kini, shop in my kini, go to the zoo in my kini, work at Mc D's in my kini (that will bring customers), and play millions of boy toys in my kini. This year I am cleanin out this damn closet health-wise, finance-wise, boy-wise...Let's super size this resolution. Gettin rid of all the bad and replacin it with good. Don't you fret my lil pets, your girl will still have plenty to hate on with all the tards and mo's that inhabit our damn planet (can you live on the moon yet, I might be makin a location change if so).

Lesson Of The Day: Some things fuel you more then inhibit....just find that thing and you'll be set for life! You will be seein a new Harlem come April 1, 2010!