Friday, February 19, 2010

Hatin on Disobedience

Hey ya'll, your girl is freakin exhausted. This is probably due to my disobedient stripper, Candy. She gets so excited to see me in the morning and at night that she goes ape shit. That lil dog jumps on every couch 10 times AND on the damn coffee table. Thank GAWD I haven't gotten new tables yet cause the lil shit would've scratched the hell outta them. I was changin my damn clothes yesterday and I heard her jump on the coffee table, so I run outta my damn bedroom with my pants in hand. I chased her around the table tryin to spank her. I may not have made contact, but I definitely scared the shiz outta her. She ran under my bed and looked at me so pitifully. Your girl Harl is totally gonna get her into Obedience School ASAP! This is my 3rd week with the hellraiser and I love her, but she needs to slow her damn roll.

*Note: If you wonder why I call my newly adopted dog Candy a stripper it's because the name Candy is #2 on the list of top 10 stripper names.

Lesson Of The Day: Dogs really are like children...luckily for society I believe in spankins!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hatin on Overtime

Hey ya'll, phew thank Gawd for Monday off! I worked so much damn overtime on Friday that I shouldn't have to work this week...that is assuming I lived in a perfect world, but I don't so it's back to the grease pits.

I hate workin overtime, especially because it usually comes out of the blue. Friday I started off workin a normal shift...flirtin at the window, then bustin arse at the pit. Then outta nowhere my damn manager tells me I gotta stay late cause he has to go talk to someone in corporate. What the damn fig newton?!?! Are you kiddin me. He informs me that he doesn't know when he'll be back for his late shift (since we're open 24 hours). Guess how long your girl had to stand around....till 1am fools! That is 1am on a Friday night. The only other person there with me was Pervie Patrick! This dude is like 70 years old AND he got sued by a prostitute...no joke! That's who they left me there with all alone. I kept havin visions of him walkin around the damn corner, yellin surprise, and then seein him butt naked with his wrinkly Willis flappin in the wind. Thankfully I survived, but the thought still gives me nightmares.

Lesson Of The Day: When approached to work overtime, tell your boss you came down with a case of Leprosy.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hatin on Skeezers

Your girl is totes hatin on Skeezy guys today. If you've read my blog you may recall that a few months ago a guy in my apartment building approached me in the elevator and told me how pretty I was. Anyways, he lives on the same floor as I do so he's helped me move my entertainment center in and out of my apartment, and things of that nature. A couple of weeks ago he even commented on my damn beauty again! Now I know I am the bomb diggity, but damn this guy has the fever! He has a girlfriend that lives with him, and every time we are all in the elevator together it is sooo awkward. No one talks to each other. He will say hi to me and then she will try to talk to him and he ignores her. Acts like he doesn't even know this damn chick! He may be a skeezer and not have a chance in hell with your girl right now , but he is some definite eye candy that I can appreciate!

Damn my apartment buildin is loaded with hunks. It's like every time I get in the damn elevator there is a new one smilin at me and shiz. I am gonna start widdlin notches on my damn bed post for all the guys I've been hookin in that damn lucky arse elevator.

Lesson Of The Day: Who needs Match.com when you have an apartment building infested with horny men?!?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Hatin on Dog Clothes

I don't know if ya'll picked up on this or not, but Candy the once impregnated stripper is this dog I've been fostering. She is sooo cute and really low maintenance like Doogie Howler. Anyways, I am going to adopt her. I admit, I am one of those Lamesters that buys dog clothes for their lil ones. I'm sorry, but when it is rainin they shiver and shake, so of course they need a damn raincoat people! Of course they need damn sweaters for the winter cause they get colder then us damn humans. The problem is they have soooo many cuter clothes for girl dogs then boys. Needless to say I've been goin crazy on pink clothes for my lil stripper and I don't even like the damn color pink....just seems to suit a lil girl doogie. They are so damn expensive. I wish I was womanly and could sew cause I would make a damn killen and I wouldn't even have to rob a damn bank! Good thing I am sellin shiz on ebay....what is my loss in a boy toy, is someone elses gain in jewelry and my gain in money!

Lesson Of The Day: Who needs kids when you have quiet, potty trained dogs that you can dress up and when they're bad you can put them in a cage!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hatin on Strip Clubs

Hey ya'll, damn I've been so bad at bloggin. Today I'm keepin it short with a lil strip club bashin. Why are soooo many strip clubs called "Gentlemen's Club"? What TRUE gentleman goes to a damn strip club? It's half naked to butt naked girls dancin around for pervs to oogle at. Then you can throw money at them. If you're lucky you can go into a damn VIP room and get your goodies on with these damn hoes. What the frig about any of that is gentlemanly?

I need the money, if I dance around will you paypal me some Benjamins?

Lesson Of The Day: Do NOT call yourself a gentleman if you go to titty bars, if you're cool bein a Desperate Douche then have at it!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Hatin on Dildo

Hey ya'll! Damn, your girl has been so busy. Between work, workin out, friends, lovers, Candy-the once impregnated stripper, Doogie Howler, and hangovers...your girl can barely find the time to breathe! Anyways, I went to bed last night to the sounds of the movie Raising Helen in the background. At 2am I hear sounds from the home shopping network. I pry my damn balls of eye open and what the friggle does your girl see???? A damn purple dildo. The Home Shoppin Network was sellin pleasure machines in my favorite color! Not to mention, the girl displaying these fake genitalia was wearing a hideous nerdy sweater and a headband! She looked like she just came from the golf course. The only image in my head today is of a bright purple penis. I don't know about you all, but I prefer any John Thomas that comes near me to be 100% real Kosher beef!

Lesson Of The Day: Turn off the TV before you go to sleep.