Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Hatin On Funk...

OMG ya'll I bout barfed everywhere this evenin. I was out walkin Doogie Howler and Liberty Bell. We were headin inside when Liberty Bell snatched a piece if funk off the sidewalk. Normally she'll grab gum, but this was definitely not gum. It could've been a human finger for all I knew. I was just going to let her eat it until I noticed she was havin trouble chewin it. So what did your girl do....the unthinkable! I reached my fore finger and thumb into lil Liberty's mouth and snatch the Funk. It was dark red like an asian chili pepper and was squishy. When I threw it into the road I started to gag. Then I looked down at my fingers and they were covered in orange jelly-goo. Thank gawd I hadn't eaten dinner cause I was gaggin like crazy. My neighbors were standin on their balcony lookin down at me laughin...remind me to egg their house later. So this whole time I am choking and gasping for air Liberty Bell is just standin there lookin up at me, waggin her damn tail. She's lucky I love her cause I was bout to take her arse back to the damn pound.

Lesson Of The Day: If your dog grabs something outside, just let em eat it...for hygiene sake, it's much cleaner that way.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Hatin On Bein Frozen...

Ya'll McD's is a big company, am I wrong? So why the hell do our damn computers freeze every day? I mean wouldn't you think they could afford some updated systems that would actually work. My damn drive thru line was packed down the damn street this morning cause I was writing everythin with a damn pencil and paper like in the oldie days. UGH, frustrated is puttin it mildly. Thank Gawd for a three day weekend, sorry for the suckers at D's that still have to work the pits.

Lesson Of The Day: Don't be cheap, buy some technology that actually works!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Hatin On Birthdays...

Damn ya'll, your girl is bout to turn another year older. I swear I saw a gray hair on my damn head this mornin. Anyways, I've been schedulin a birthday festival for myself, and this shiz is hard. Not only do I have to get all my girlz together on the same weekend, but my arse has gots to plan this whole damn thing. Every year I like to do somethin unique so we can all get out and let loose, shake a lil booty and get a lil tail. So this year I decided...


I almost decided to do nothin this year, but fell to the liquor temptations and dreams of men. I finally scheduled the weekend, which unfortunately leaves one of my besties out...you shall be missed Kitty Vu. NOW I am limited in choosin a damn hotel. It can't be too expensive, it can't be too cheap cause then we'll get infested with bed bugs, and it has to be near the Gas Light District so we can club till our hearts desire. The most important thing is a pet friendly hotel so I can bring along Doogie Howler and my newest addition, Liberty Bell. So has your girl gotten a hotel....nope, can't check that off the list.

There is also the side "projects" that I need to schedule. Like what the hell are we gonna do durin the damn day? I mean your girl is a bikini beauty and all, but damn I can't just sit by a damn pool all day, I gots to show my face around town. Of course, the day activity has to be cheap. Guess that means no spa treatment where my naked body is lathered in mud by two men in thongs while bein fed wine and crackers by two more men wearin nothin but flip flops. Can't check any of that off of my list either.

All of this leaves me completely bummed bout my bday weekend and exhausted from thinkin bout my "not even close to completed" to-do list.

Lesson Of The Day: I hear San Diego is littered with Army/Navy Men, if I put them on my To-Do list maybe I will feel motivated to get things accomplished!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hatin On Dream Crushers...

Against my better judgement I went to Starbucks today ya'll, the place where dreams are made. Unfortunately it just made me re-realize how much of a Dream Crusher these bastards are. I mean for real ya'll, they turned me down for a job when they got a bunch of Mo's workin the coffee machines. The line was out the damn door and took me 20 mins just for them to take my damn order. I ordered a Veinte, decaf vanilla latte, with an extra shot, and three pumps of vanilla. Those bitches gave my nonfat milk....are they tryin to hint at something??? It was like drinkin watered down coffee. I also ordered a sausage sandwich...nowhere in that order did I say I wanted my sandwich cold. For real ya'll I swear they just ripped that shiz outta the damn freezer. Again, these arrogant arses thought they were too good to have my big, boned, beautiful body grace their presence every day??? I guarantee my mind is ten times smarter than theirs! And to think they weren't even gonna call me, I had to waltz in and ask about my damn application....the nerve!

Lesson Of The Day: If you wanna be a barista, stick to McD's...their coffee is ten times better!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Hatin On Blind Friends...

Sunday of this weekend sucked ya'll. First of all, I got a damn text earlier in the week from this boy I used to babysits mom. She wanted to get together to see Bridesmaids and get some Lunchie. I reluctantly accepted considerin I haven't seen them in ages, but would've really rather stayed at home. So Sunday arrives....

I get to their house and am told that Clark is meetin us there. A lil background on this hoe...When I was considerin quittin McD's to become a famous barista, the boy's momma emailed me with this Clark hoe CC'd. She was introducin us and sayin how Clark would be brilliant for my job replacement. First of all ya'll, this lady said nothin to me about this, just took it upon herself to hook me up with this hoe to get her a job...MY job. Anyways, so that's Clark and she's been pushin this whore down my throat ever since about how we're so alike and could be the best of friends.

So now we are in the damn car headin to the movies and I am told that another family and their two damn rugrats are joinin as well...they obviously don't realize I hate kids. At the movie theatre they stick me in a seat next to the other family's father and guess who....CLARK! After the movie the momma says "hey, you know how to get to lunch, so you ride with Clark and show her the way". Seriously ya'll, they are lucky I'm not rude cause I would've started walkin home. I rode with this chick makin small talk and she was all up in my biz and then tryin to pretend like she knew everything about the damn food industry. Dude you work at a gas station, you know nothin about the food industry hoe, so shut yo damn mouth! Lunch was awkward like the rest of the day, and I barely spoke the whole time, which was really to benefit them. That day reminded me of a blind date that your friends really push to set up...except...this was a blind friend set up...noooo thank you, I am fine with my 5 close friends.

Lesson Of The Day: It's better to have 5 best friends, than 100 acquaintances.

Side Note: The Bachelorette started last night, and as much as I can't stand Ashley...I am looking forward to all of the dramz, like the D. Bag that manipulates her but really was hopin she was Emily, HAHAHAHA! I have to finish watchin it on my DVR, and will possibly update ya'll later.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Hatin on Newbs...

Hey ya'll, I know your girl has been M.I.A again. I don't know how ya'll do this bloggin thing every day. I mean for realz, I can barely find time to take a dump let alone sit here and type. Anyways, so this time the reason I've been missin is cause of a Newb. I mean for real ya'll, I been trainin this chick for a whole week at McD's. It's been hell...a constant shadow. The grease pit is small enough with my fat arse, but then you squish one more person in there like your at a damn concert and can't move, think, or breathe. I got so damn fed up I sent that beyotch outside to clean the damn sidewalk. Then I made her take out ALL of the trashes, hell I even made her dust the damn cash register one day when I was workin the drive-thru. Thank gawd today is her last day of trainin so I can be a lone spirit once again.

Lesson Of The Day: Ask for a different trainer if you're assigned one named Harlem.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Hatin On Loud Brats...

And people wonder why Ima child hata....I went to a new church on Sunday. This place was so huge and confusin, so your girl just hopped into the first door I came across. Apparently it must've been the kiddie section cause I was surrounded. Since I arrived late I decided to suck it up and just sit there anyways. Plus, the rugrats around me were being quiet with the exception of an occasional wimper. About half way through the sermon I thought a hurricane was comin. It sounded like thunder and then the side door flung open. In runs these four lil terrors. They must've though they were on a damn playground because they were playin tag in the church! A hot minute later rushes in two frazzled parents holdin two more babes. I mean seriously ya'll, this lady popped out six brats! The whole service the dad had to chase them all around and then he would take them outside to talk to them....talk?? Maybe that's the problem, had they been given proper whippens maybe they would've been behavin like the pleasant children around them. Throughout the service I found myself prayin to have patience cause I was bout to go ape shiz on these kids!

Haley Reinhart from American Idol must've been one of those lil brats when she was younger, cause homegirl has a major tude. This week on American Idol I wanted to slap her upside her damn head. She was such a bitch to Randy when he was giving her constructive criticism. Homegirl, if you can't take the heat then find a new career. You are a nobody and will have a very short career with that attitude. J-Lo and Steven Tyler will not always be there to defend you. You're lucky me and Simon weren't your judge cause we would've given you a verbal beat down that would've left you emotionally unstable. Lucky for you James Durbin went home, but you deserved to...Hollywood does not need any more divas.

Lesson Of The Day: Watch the attitude because you won't be so lucky next time.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Hatin on PepBoys...

After my dreams of becoming a Starbucks barista flew out the window, I decided to stay at the grease pits. This gave Momma Hater and I the perfect opportunity to stroll about town causin trouble. One annoying errand we did have to fix, was my damn car. I needed new tires, new brakes, and my damn air conditionin fixed. I went to Pep Boys and those bitches were so rude. They called me up tryin to nickle and dime me for everything. When I told the guy I wanted to pick up my car, he said, "we've already put the new tires on". I said, "you mean to tell me you don't know how to take em off?" That dude had given me so much damn tude that I was fed up. He had no idea who he was messin with. So he huffed and puffed on the phone like a lil gurl. Seriously, what ever happened to customer service ya'll? I picked up my car and headed to Just Tires where they gave me new tires for $30 cheaper then Pep Boys, not to mention the guy who helped me was hot as hell! His name was Antoine and man he was gorgeous, way to go Just Tires! Then I headed next door to get my brakes replaced which was $100 cheaper then Pep Boys, can you believe that?? After the brakes, momma and I took the car down the street to a small independent shop that fixed air conditioners. See my air worked, but only on high. So Pep Boys said it was in the electrical work in the controls and they were gonna charge me $300. Poppa Hater said, "Gurl that air problem is just the rheostat". Guess who was right...Poppa. The independent guy new instantly it was the rheostat. To check the car, plus part, plus labor it was a total of $135. Needless to say, your girl will not be going to Pep Boys ever again. They are damn thieves!

Side Note: I had decided not to comment on Idol considerin they all suck and there is no one I am rooting for anymore. I actually didn't even finish watching Wednesdays show...so much for a season of the "best singers"ever in Idol history, yuck! The one thing I will say is Thank the Lord Jacob is off! Can I get an amen honey??

Lesson Of The Day: Give the small business owners yo damn business because they will beat the chain prices any day!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


WTF Jacob Lusk, damn dude did you think the Idol stage was a strip club? What the hell is up with all the pelvic thrusts, and cheerleader moves? What drugs you been smokin, cause you were way too amped up for that lame ass performance. Show me your spirit fingers gurl!

Lesson Of The Day: When you have nothing nice to say, walk away....tonight I am walking away to comment on the rest tomorrow morning cause this is NOT gonna be pretty.

Show me your high kick Jakie! One Two.....