Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Hatin On...Feelings?

Not to make light of drug addicts ya'll, but I imagine this is why they start using....for some reason the past two days I have been in a really tired, pissy and sad mood. I have no idea why either! Work is the same, family is still good, I have money, I get sleep, and I'm being healthy. Hell, my ass is even on week two of working out. Isn't working out supposed to release some damn endorphins and make you happy? Well my endorphins aren't working cause I am as pissed as ever!

Somebody give me a damn cheesecake so I can energize this body!

Lesson Of The Day: Maybe masking our feelins will help us to get more things accomplished...ask me tomorrow if that works!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hatin On...WHAT???...Pejazzle???

I'm sure by now ya'll are wonderin what the funk is Pejazzle?!?!? Well if you recall a few posts ago, your girl wrote bout a lil thing called vajazzlin...ring a bell? If not here is your quick's a vajayjay that has been bedazzled.

*side note* what is up with me usin "..." every few words...odd...

Anywayz, Pejazzle is when a dude bedazzles his penis. You can even buy "do-it-yourself" kits online. Now if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend that is as talented as your girl Harl, I am sure your weazle would be the prettiest on the block. Question for any Pejazzle gurus out you decorate it hard or soft. If hard, then when you go soft do the jewels fall off? Is the glue painful to men, cause if so I'd like to use a tube on my ex!

:Sigh: what is this world comin to that I enjoy writin about pejazzling and vajazzling...or better yet, who the hell invents this stuff. I guess instead of McD's or dreams of Starbucks, I should look forward to openin my own "Jazzlin" Boutique!

Lesson Of The Day: Men everywhere, please head to a boutique and Pejazzle your genitalia, penis, schlong, gristle missile, johnson, hot dog, piss pump, trouser trout, john thomas, pork sword, willy, wee wee...whatever you call it, I want to see it sparkle!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Hatin On The Bachelorette...Ashley!

Dang ya'll...I was watching the Bachelorette last night and that chick Ashley gets on my damn nerves. First of all, has anyone noticed how she messes with her bangs ALL the time, must be an insecurity tick.

I didn't think the bitch could get any more annoyin until last nights episode. Homegirl sent a sweet arse guy home, what was his name...Ben C.? Anyways, she sent this dude home because Will told her Ben was talkin about dating sites. In the middle of the date she took William's word for it and just gave Ben the boot without hearing his side of the story first. Not tell me this Ashley, why on earth would you listen to a guy you just met who is trying to be the last one standing when you wouldn't listen to your friend Michelle about Bentley. You didn't take your girlfriends advice, but you tooks some jealous are stupid!

At the group date you said you just wanted the guys to have fun and were hoping no one would get hurt....uh then why would you set up a date where they had to fight. They are dudes who obviously want to out shine one another, OBVIOUSLY someone will get hurt. How come every group date there is drama....oh yea, because you are an attention whore who is too insecure to just have fun. You have to always be in the corner crying or upset over Bentley in order to get attention.

The preview for next week looked pretty crazy, why the hell would you bring Bentley back. Of course you don't see his rude interviews but it's not like he treated you THAT great, and he is fugly. The other guys are wayyy hotter. How could you be in this deep with him after only a couple weeks. Listen to Chris Harrison as he tells you NUMEROUS times to get over it...I don't even think he likes your ass. I hope guys leave the show next week, cause you are not worth their time!

The only one I think you deserve is William or Bentley cause all the other guys are too good for your lame ass. You may not be able to compare to Emily as far as looks, but she would've been like watching paint dry. Now don't get cocky because you are boring as hell with all your drama and insecurities. Don't get me started on your HORRIBLE dance moves, come see Harlem so I can show you how it's done.

Lesson Of The Day: ABC should've chosen Chantal, she would've actually made me like the show....I hope they pick good guys for The Bachelor Pad!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hatin On Buzz...

OMG ya'll did I do some major partyin last better damn believe it! I will have to say I hate my friend Buzz, the friend that clouds my judgement after I've had a few too many tequila shots. He may be fun, but is the only person that gets me to do some crazy arse shiz. For example, talkin at an octave that only Mariah Carey can hit. I become a lover when drunk, worse then Casanova. I hug and confess my love for everyone, even the ole pervy guys that walk into McD's...which still leaves the question, how'd they get to my neighborhood bar??? When Buzz visits my brain I manage to spend so much money. The next day I can't even remember how many drinks I bought, but my bank account won't stop screamin about the $400 I just spent!

When talking to peeps I remind myself constantly to focus on what they are saying, look them straight in the eyes (to hide the glaze that covers mine), and above all DO NOT slur your words. When I constantly remind myself of those things I forget to listen to what they are saying. Which makes me look away from their eyes to try and remember what they said. Which in turn makes my words jumbled because I am afraid they will think it's all because I'm drunk, when the real reason is I just wasn't paying attention in the first place! :sigh: I'm out of breath!

When Buzz visits I can't walk straight. I tried takin Doogie Howler and Liberty Bell out to the bathroom when I got home. I should've taken the elevator, but my mind told me the stairs were faster...bad idea! I was bounchin from wall to wall in the stairwell. Since I was carryin Doogie Howler I was tryin not to fall flat on my face, but I couldn't even feel the steps on my damn feet! Then when I finally went to sleep I woke up the next mornin and had no idea how I got into my PJs, how I set my alarm, and how I ate a half a bag of Doritos. I won't even mention all of the drunk texts/calls that were made! I mean for realz ya'll, Buzz makes me crazy!

For your enjoyment I have posted some drunk texts from other sorry losers when Buzz visited them. (See below).

Lesson Of The Day: Be cautious of Buzz, he's a back stabber!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Hatin On Courthouses...

UGH ya'll...I had to go to the damn courthouse today to pay a damn ticket. First of all, I get there and there are ten huge arse buildins and I have no idea which one I go to. I even looked at their directory and it said nothin bout traffic tickets. So I decided to stand in the longest line which happened to be outside of the Municipal Courthouse. There were 50 people in line in front of me. After 45 minutes I finally arrive to security and when I walked through the cop asked me if I had a flashlight in my purse. Of course I did, but he had to be nosey and made me show him what it looked like. Thank gawd I was smart enough to take my Gat outta my purse cause they prolly woulda cuffed me for that...although if he looked anything like this picture I would've wanted to be handcuffed, frisked, and gagged.

After security I decided to look at another directory to find out where the traffic ticket people go...there was nothing on the directory ya'll. I was so lost so I decided to go up every floor until I found the correct one. Thankfully it was on the second floor. Again I have to wait in another line for an hour. I was so scared to. There were all these people surrounding me that looked really sketchy. There were these three guys and a girl behind me talkin about all of the fights they've been in. I swear I saw the one guy on an episode of Lock Up. I paid the ticket and ran outta the damn courthouse and never want to look back.

Lesson Of The Day: Goin to the courthouse is like bein in jail, you're stuck there for hours amongst criminals!

Side note: There is this lotion called "stress relief" from Bath & Body Works. I swear they put drugs in it ya'll cause every time I wear it I get happy and giggly. One of the ingredients is Eucalyptus Oil, but I think it's Marijuana Oil.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Hatin On Teen Wolf...

WOW, your girl is happy today ya'll. My visitor count on this damn blog has doubled in the past four days and I haven't even blogged regularly! It must be because of my last blog on vajazzling, hahah you lil pervs...maybe I'll just turn this into a damn porn blog.

Now down to I am hatin on Teen Wolf. MTV created this remake, and it is horrible. I don't know why I even tuned in considerin that it would be obvious that MTV couldn't produce a good scripted, drama TV show. They need to stick with what they know...trashy reality shows. Teen Wolf did get me interested when I heard that Colton Haynes and Tyler Hoechlin were goin to be in it. But alas, my poor future boy toys can't even salvage this train wreck. Whoever had the idea of hirin the Maid In Manhattan kid (Tyler Posey) as lead should really be fired. He has got to be the worst actor...well maybe that chick Crystal Reed would beat him because she sucks balls, maybe she sucks his balls. I guess that's the reason I've never heard of her and barely have heard of him is because they are horrible. When he transforms his face is the shape of a damn Guinea Pig!

Lesson Of The Day: Hey Hollywood, how bout we stop with the damn remakes cause ya'll DO NOT do them justice. Please petition for the Annie remake to be canned, we do not need anymore remakes with the damn Smith brats...Karate Kid, major fail. Need I say more?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Hatin On Hooha's...

As if being a woman wasn't bad enough with the waxin and trimmin, but now we have style options for our Hooha's??? This is most likely old news to ya'll, but my girl Jennifer Love Hewitt was on the George Lopez show a while back talkin about her bedazzled vajayjay. So apparently you glue rhinestones on your skin above and around your damn girly bit...hence the word vajazzle. I don't know about you all, but it sounds painful. What happens when your clothes rub on it? What if you're doin the nasty and the skin to skin friction rips these tiny stones off your sensitive region and now you're bleedin all over your damn sheets? Call me old school, but I cannot keep up with the new vagina technologies. Gina styles are released just as often as iphones....every few months. So now our buffet of options consist of Au Natural, Bikini Line, Landing Strip, Playboy (all off with a diamante design), The Triangle, The Moustache, The Heart, Brazilian, you can even choose to have your booty hole bleached, and now our new favorite....vajazzle.

Lesson Of The Day: Abstinence makes for happy bushes.