Harlem's Haterade!

Hatin On City Women...

2011-11-30T12:17:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a hot minute since my last entry and ya'll been dyin fo mo updates, but your girls been busy. Busy hatin the city that is...

The worst part bout livin in a damn city is the women! I was at a produce stand last weekend and had a lil run in with this chick in a Mercedes. I had just paid for my damn tomatoes when this lady behind me saw a rooster at the produce stand. She started flippin shiz bout how cool this one lil rooster was. She went runnin to her Mercedes, SUV no doubt, and grabbed lil Billy out the damn car. She's draggin him over to this rooster sayin, "Billy that is a real rooster and we are on a real farm". Are you friggen kiddin me??? No shit sherlock that it's a real rooster, Billy has eyes! The thing that annoyed me most was when she said that the produce stand was a real farm. I don't know what farms she's seen (obvi none) but they had one rooster, ONE! Plus it legit is a long table with produce and covered with a canvas top! Where I'm from a farm is at least 25 acres and has more then one damn rooster! Did I mention this stand is next to the freakin freeway???? Yep thats right, the freeway on ramp is one block away!

Lesson Of The Day: To see a real farm, refer to the picture above!

Hatin On Insane-ions...

2011-10-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

Once again it's been ages since I've been on this damn blog, but ya'll are prob used to it by now. I am totes a flake and I've decided to embrace it. Anyways, I've created a new word..."Insane-ion". It's an insane person, possibly psychotic, with a dash of perv, mixed with a crazy fetish or two.

I was checkin out my analytics page to see if peeps still visit me eventhough I've been MIA. I'm still gettin a pretty dope crowd checkin me out, but I noticed I'm gettin a lot of attention from Insane-ions. I checked out the keywords people were usin to get to my page and a majority of them were from "vajazzle" and "pejazzle". There was one Insane-ion that found me with the keyword "HOW TO VOMIT ON A LADY". Are you f'ing me right now? Who the hell searches for that? Oh yea, an insane-ion would, or maybe a creeper. I have no idea how come my blog comes up when you search for vomitten on a lady, I don't recall ever writin about that shiz. Anyways, homie stayed on my blog for 30 mins. It said he/she visited 4 of my different posts...man what I would give to find out which ones!!! I must say though, I am quite flattered that someone would stay on my lil ole blog for that long, so thank you kind sir! If you want to expose yourself to me, you can anytime!

Lesson Of The Day: All visitors are good visitors...especially insane-ions with fetishes that visit for almost an hour!!

Hatin On The VMA's...

2011-08-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

*sigh* another month has passed that your girl didn't blog once! A lot has been goin on in the world of hate....I started a healthy eatin lifestyle and workout regime. Honestly, it's been kicken my arse and I haven't been able to think about anything else but FOOD...hence no bloggin. Anyways, I am now 32 pounds and 28 inches skinnier...so please all of you single, taken, and bi-sexual men out there, holla at-a girl. You can find me at the Mc D's drive thru window, I'll be the one that is freely passin out her number to all men in my surroundin area.

Today I am hatin on the VMA's. I did not watch them this year since the show it sooo bogus and just an excuse for celebs to try and be as outrageous as possible. I did however watch some of the clips online. For all of you Ca Ca fans out there, I don't get it...what is your obsession with this creature? All he/she is, is a damn spectacle. Completely gettin all dragged out, for what??? To show off her acting skills...major fail! Her huge dialogue before her performance put me to sleep. If you're gonna pretend to be a dude, at least change your damn singin voice. Not to mention when she was givin the award to B. Spears, she took all of home girls speech time just to try and Spears to make out with her. Sorry honey, but B. Spears has a little more class then that. Plus who knows where Ca Ca's mouth has been, she's a dirty sloot. Bruno Mars rocked it, but unfortunately I don't like cocaine addicts. Jay Z and Kanye were horrible. Numerous times they were rappin over one another, what a damn disaster. They they were flashin the damn Illuminati symbol...the funny thing is, idiots in the crowd were flashin the illuminati symbol to. Ya'll, look it up...that triangle symbol ya'll are flashin is not somethin Jay Z made up, it's the "all seeing eye". F'ing tards. Beyonce...also an illuminati...not only sucked at performin, but her song sucked to. Way to make another spectacle by showin off your damn baby bump. Home girl, I've seen your body and you are gonna be fat as a mo fo after you have that kid. Don't expect to bounce back after birth without some damn lipo.

Lesson Of The Day: This is for you Justin Bieber...leave your snake at home until it gets bigger cause you looked like a friggin panzy with that lil worm on your hand.

Hatin On Teens...

2011-07-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

Yet another reason I don't have kids....they turn into teens...teens that murder you with a damn hammer. Ya'll this teen (Tyler Hadley) who will now be charged as an adult, killed his parents and then left their bodies locked in the master bedroom. He then decided to throw a damn house party and invited 40-60 guests. One of those guests gave an annonymous tip about the parents still being in the house. Hence the reason the cops showed up at the front door where the lil pussy was all nervous and panicky. When the parents were found they were in the master bedroom, partially covered with household items and a hammer between them...which is suspected to be the murder weapon.

Is the world f'ing with me??? Why in the hell did this lil punk find it necessary to kill his parents?? Damn dude, you should've just run away if they were that terrible, but murder??? Son you are lucky Harlem isn't yo momma, cause I woulda bust your ass if you came at me with a hammer.

Lesson Of The Day: I don't know how many times I have to say it ya'll...DO NOT HAVE KIDS!

P.S. Today's post will not have a picture as I do NOT want this lil shits picture anywhere on my site...if you're curious, google him.

Hey Tokyo....Are ya'll for realz????

2011-07-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

This may be old news to some of you nerdz, but your girl doesn't get out much. There is a fad in Tokyo called the Bagel Head, I guess it's been around for a year or so. Anyways, please try not to projectile vomit on your neighbor....

A Bagel Head is someone who injects their forehead with saline while they depress the center of their forehead. The saline slowly drips in for two hours and will form the shape of a bagel. Your head bagels can even be shaded blue or green with food coloring and molded into any shape. This fine young man in the photo above wanted a perfect replica of his ass on his forehead. These saline injections aren't permanent and only last for 24 hours. So far everyone who has created this look has had no adverse affects and their skin has returned back to normal the next day...if you ask me I think stretching out your forehead would eventually cause premature wrinkles....yuk!

Question for the crazies out there....Will Lady CaCa try to take the credit for this fad, I mean she did start the whole bone prosthetic movement...fortunately Gaga, no one was Born This Way!

Lesson Of The Day: Foreign objects should NOT be injected into the body.

Hatin On Off Leash Dogs...

2011-07-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

I saw the most horrific thing this weekend ya'll and it not only saddens me, but pisses me the frig off. I was at the park and it is an ON LEASH park. I was sittin there with my friend, Pissa Pants, enjoyin some creamed ice. This couple walked by with their pit bull and it was right by there side and whenever a dog would come near they would jerk on the leash to keep the dog in check. It even had a choke collar on.

MINUTES LATER: This lady runs by us yelling, "My Baby, My Baby". This guy starts runnin saying that someone is stealin him. My friend and I are lookin around confused. This lady drops to her knees in front of us grasping the air screaming "My Baby". We asked her what was wrong and she got up and took off runnin. So what do me and Pissa Pants do...we get up and follow. I thought that someone stole this ladys kid. I'm thinkin, beyotch stand up and go get yo damn babe. As we got closer, it then seemed like someone stole her dog (obv no one spoke very good english). There was a swarm of people surrounding an SUV. Whose SUV do you ask...the pit bull owners. Apparently, the pit bull attacked the ladies lil shit...zu. We decided to wait and gawk cause the cops were called and a fire truck came (I love a man in uniform). The lady's friend walked up with the lil dog and one of its eyes was missing and bloody and the other one must have been punctured cause it was there but also covered in blood.

The cops were questioning each party and everyone was of course being rude to the pitbull people. There were even people calling their lawyers to defend the Shit's owners. Now me being the super observant person I am noticed the lil dog had no collar, leash, or harness on. When your dog gets attacked the last thing you would think of is to take the damn collar off. I would bet anyone $100 that that dog ran up to the Pit Bull. It's an ON LEASH park bitches, technically that's what you get.

I do believe it was HORRIBLE for the Pitties parents to run away, especially cause they had an 8 year old son with them. So that's perfect, teach your damn lil hoodlum to run instead of takin responsibility for your actions. I did not stay for the outcome, but unfortunately I am afraid the Pit Bull will probably be put to sleep even though I KNOW those people had that dog in check. They couldn't help some idiot didn't follow the On Leash rule.

Lesson Of The Day: Dogs are unpredictable, it's called "On Leash Dog Area" for a reason. Also, when a dog seems aggressive, or you did not ask for permission...DO NOT think it is ok for your mutt to come sniff mine!

Hatin On...Feelings?

2011-06-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

Not to make light of drug addicts ya'll, but I imagine this is why they start using....for some reason the past two days I have been in a really tired, pissy and sad mood. I have no idea why either! Work is the same, family is still good, I have money, I get sleep, and I'm being healthy. Hell, my ass is even on week two of working out. Isn't working out supposed to release some damn endorphins and make you happy? Well my endorphins aren't working cause I am as pissed as ever!

Somebody give me a damn cheesecake so I can energize this body!

Lesson Of The Day: Maybe masking our feelins will help us to get more things accomplished...ask me tomorrow if that works!

Hatin On...WHAT???...Pejazzle???

2011-06-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sure by now ya'll are wonderin what the funk is Pejazzle?!?!? Well if you recall a few posts ago, your girl wrote bout a lil thing called vajazzlin...ring a bell? If not here is your quick refresher...it's a vajayjay that has been bedazzled.

*side note* what is up with me usin "..." every few words...odd...

Anywayz, Pejazzle is when a dude bedazzles his penis. You can even buy "do-it-yourself" kits online. Now if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend that is as talented as your girl Harl, I am sure your weazle would be the prettiest on the block. Question for any Pejazzle gurus out there...do you decorate it hard or soft. If hard, then when you go soft do the jewels fall off? Is the glue painful to men, cause if so I'd like to use a tube on my ex!

:Sigh: what is this world comin to that I enjoy writin about pejazzling and vajazzling...or better yet, who the hell invents this stuff. I guess instead of McD's or dreams of Starbucks, I should look forward to openin my own "Jazzlin" Boutique!

Lesson Of The Day: Men everywhere, please head to a boutique and Pejazzle your genitalia, penis, schlong, gristle missile, johnson, hot dog, piss pump, trouser trout, john thomas, pork sword, willy, wee wee...whatever you call it, I want to see it sparkle!

Hatin On The Bachelorette...Ashley!

2011-06-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

Dang ya'll...I was watching the Bachelorette last night and that chick Ashley gets on my damn nerves. First of all, has anyone noticed how she messes with her bangs ALL the time, must be an insecurity tick.

I didn't think the bitch could get any more annoyin until last nights episode. Homegirl sent a sweet arse guy home, what was his name...Ben C.? Anyways, she sent this dude home because Will told her Ben was talkin about dating sites. In the middle of the date she took William's word for it and just gave Ben the boot without hearing his side of the story first. Not tell me this Ashley, why on earth would you listen to a guy you just met who is trying to be the last one standing when you wouldn't listen to your friend Michelle about Bentley. You didn't take your girlfriends advice, but you tooks some jealous dudes...you are stupid!

At the group date you said you just wanted the guys to have fun and were hoping no one would get hurt....uh then why would you set up a date where they had to fight. They are dudes who obviously want to out shine one another, OBVIOUSLY someone will get hurt. How come every group date there is drama....oh yea, because you are an attention whore who is too insecure to just have fun. You have to always be in the corner crying or upset over Bentley in order to get attention.

The preview for next week looked pretty crazy, why the hell would you bring Bentley back. Of course you don't see his rude interviews but it's not like he treated you THAT great, and he is fugly. The other guys are wayyy hotter. How could you be in this deep with him after only a couple weeks. Listen to Chris Harrison as he tells you NUMEROUS times to get over it...I don't even think he likes your ass. I hope guys leave the show next week, cause you are not worth their time!

The only one I think you deserve is William or Bentley cause all the other guys are too good for your lame ass. You may not be able to compare to Emily as far as looks, but she would've been like watching paint dry. Now don't get cocky because you are boring as hell with all your drama and insecurities. Don't get me started on your HORRIBLE dance moves, come see Harlem so I can show you how it's done.

Lesson Of The Day: ABC should've chosen Chantal, she would've actually made me like the show....I hope they pick good guys for The Bachelor Pad!

Hatin On Buzz...

2011-06-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

OMG ya'll did I do some major partyin last night...you better damn believe it! I will have to say I hate my friend Buzz, the friend that clouds my judgement after I've had a few too many tequila shots. He may be fun, but is the only person that gets me to do some crazy arse shiz. For example, talkin at an octave that only Mariah Carey can hit. I become a lover when drunk, worse then Casanova. I hug and confess my love for everyone, even the ole pervy guys that walk into McD's...which still leaves the question, how'd they get to my neighborhood bar??? When Buzz visits my brain I manage to spend so much money. The next day I can't even remember how many drinks I bought, but my bank account won't stop screamin about the $400 I just spent!

When talking to peeps I remind myself constantly to focus on what they are saying, look them straight in the eyes (to hide the glaze that covers mine), and above all DO NOT slur your words. When I constantly remind myself of those things I forget to listen to what they are saying. Which makes me look away from their eyes to try and remember what they said. Which in turn makes my words jumbled because I am afraid they will think it's all because I'm drunk, when the real reason is I just wasn't paying attention in the first place! :sigh: I'm out of breath!

When Buzz visits I can't walk straight. I tried takin Doogie Howler and Liberty Bell out to the bathroom when I got home. I should've taken the elevator, but my mind told me the stairs were faster...bad idea! I was bounchin from wall to wall in the stairwell. Since I was carryin Doogie Howler I was tryin not to fall flat on my face, but I couldn't even feel the steps on my damn feet! Then when I finally went to sleep I woke up the next mornin and had no idea how I got into my PJs, how I set my alarm, and how I ate a half a bag of Doritos. I won't even mention all of the drunk texts/calls that were made! I mean for realz ya'll, Buzz makes me crazy!

For your enjoyment I have posted some drunk texts from other sorry losers when Buzz visited them. (See below).

(715):
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

(570):
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.

(713):
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

Lesson Of The Day: Be cautious of Buzz, he's a back stabber!

Hatin On Courthouses...

2011-06-15T15:24:00.001-07:00

UGH ya'll...I had to go to the damn courthouse today to pay a damn ticket. First of all, I get there and there are ten huge arse buildins and I have no idea which one I go to. I even looked at their directory and it said nothin bout traffic tickets. So I decided to stand in the longest line which happened to be outside of the Municipal Courthouse. There were 50 people in line in front of me. After 45 minutes I finally arrive to security and when I walked through the cop asked me if I had a flashlight in my purse. Of course I did, but he had to be nosey and made me show him what it looked like. Thank gawd I was smart enough to take my Gat outta my purse cause they prolly woulda cuffed me for that...although if he looked anything like this picture I would've wanted to be handcuffed, frisked, and gagged.

After security I decided to look at another directory to find out where the traffic ticket people go...there was nothing on the directory ya'll. I was so lost so I decided to go up every floor until I found the correct one. Thankfully it was on the second floor. Again I have to wait in another line for an hour. I was so scared to. There were all these people surrounding me that looked really sketchy. There were these three guys and a girl behind me talkin about all of the fights they've been in. I swear I saw the one guy on an episode of Lock Up. I paid the ticket and ran outta the damn courthouse and never want to look back.

Lesson Of The Day: Goin to the courthouse is like bein in jail, you're stuck there for hours amongst criminals!

Side note: There is this lotion called "stress relief" from Bath & Body Works. I swear they put drugs in it ya'll cause every time I wear it I get happy and giggly. One of the ingredients is Eucalyptus Oil, but I think it's Marijuana Oil.

Hatin On Teen Wolf...

2011-06-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

WOW, your girl is happy today ya'll. My visitor count on this damn blog has doubled in the past four days and I haven't even blogged regularly! It must be because of my last blog on vajazzling, hahah you lil pervs...maybe I'll just turn this into a damn porn blog.

Now down to business...today I am hatin on Teen Wolf. MTV created this remake, and it is horrible. I don't know why I even tuned in considerin that it would be obvious that MTV couldn't produce a good scripted, drama TV show. They need to stick with what they know...trashy reality shows. Teen Wolf did get me interested when I heard that Colton Haynes and Tyler Hoechlin were goin to be in it. But alas, my poor future boy toys can't even salvage this train wreck. Whoever had the idea of hirin the Maid In Manhattan kid (Tyler Posey) as lead should really be fired. He has got to be the worst actor...well maybe that chick Crystal Reed would beat him because she sucks balls, maybe she sucks his balls. I guess that's the reason I've never heard of her and barely have heard of him is because they are horrible. When he transforms his face is the shape of a damn Guinea Pig!

Lesson Of The Day: Hey Hollywood, how bout we stop with the damn remakes cause ya'll DO NOT do them justice. Please petition for the Annie remake to be canned, we do not need anymore remakes with the damn Smith brats...Karate Kid, major fail. Need I say more?

Hatin On Hooha's...

2011-06-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

As if being a woman wasn't bad enough with the waxin and trimmin, but now we have style options for our Hooha's??? This is most likely old news to ya'll, but my girl Jennifer Love Hewitt was on the George Lopez show a while back talkin about her bedazzled vajayjay. So apparently you glue rhinestones on your skin above and around your damn girly bit...hence the word vajazzle. I don't know about you all, but it sounds painful. What happens when your clothes rub on it? What if you're doin the nasty and the skin to skin friction rips these tiny stones off your sensitive region and now you're bleedin all over your damn sheets? Call me old school, but I cannot keep up with the new vagina technologies. Gina styles are released just as often as iphones....every few months. So now our buffet of options consist of Au Natural, Bikini Line, Landing Strip, Playboy (all off with a diamante design), The Triangle, The Moustache, The Heart, Brazilian, you can even choose to have your booty hole bleached, and now our new favorite....vajazzle.

Lesson Of The Day: Abstinence makes for happy bushes.

Hatin On Funk...

2011-05-31T19:44:00.000-07:00

OMG ya'll I bout barfed everywhere this evenin. I was out walkin Doogie Howler and Liberty Bell. We were headin inside when Liberty Bell snatched a piece if funk off the sidewalk. Normally she'll grab gum, but this was definitely not gum. It could've been a human finger for all I knew. I was just going to let her eat it until I noticed she was havin trouble chewin it. So what did your girl do....the unthinkable! I reached my fore finger and thumb into lil Liberty's mouth and snatch the Funk. It was dark red like an asian chili pepper and was squishy. When I threw it into the road I started to gag. Then I looked down at my fingers and they were covered in orange jelly-goo. Thank gawd I hadn't eaten dinner cause I was gaggin like crazy. My neighbors were standin on their balcony lookin down at me laughin...remind me to egg their house later. So this whole time I am choking and gasping for air Liberty Bell is just standin there lookin up at me, waggin her damn tail. She's lucky I love her cause I was bout to take her arse back to the damn pound.

Lesson Of The Day: If your dog grabs something outside, just let em eat it...for hygiene sake, it's much cleaner that way.

Hatin On Bein Frozen...

2011-05-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Ya'll McD's is a big company, am I wrong? So why the hell do our damn computers freeze every day? I mean wouldn't you think they could afford some updated systems that would actually work. My damn drive thru line was packed down the damn street this morning cause I was writing everythin with a damn pencil and paper like in the oldie days. UGH, frustrated is puttin it mildly. Thank Gawd for a three day weekend, sorry for the suckers at D's that still have to work the pits.

Lesson Of The Day: Don't be cheap, buy some technology that actually works!

Hatin On Birthdays...

2011-05-26T16:05:00.001-07:00

Damn ya'll, your girl is bout to turn another year older. I swear I saw a gray hair on my damn head this mornin. Anyways, I've been schedulin a birthday festival for myself, and this shiz is hard. Not only do I have to get all my girlz together on the same weekend, but my arse has gots to plan this whole damn thing. Every year I like to do somethin unique so we can all get out and let loose, shake a lil booty and get a lil tail. So this year I decided...

SAN DIEGO

I almost decided to do nothin this year, but fell to the liquor temptations and dreams of men. I finally scheduled the weekend, which unfortunately leaves one of my besties out...you shall be missed Kitty Vu. NOW I am limited in choosin a damn hotel. It can't be too expensive, it can't be too cheap cause then we'll get infested with bed bugs, and it has to be near the Gas Light District so we can club till our hearts desire. The most important thing is a pet friendly hotel so I can bring along Doogie Howler and my newest addition, Liberty Bell. So has your girl gotten a hotel....nope, can't check that off the list.

There is also the side "projects" that I need to schedule. Like what the hell are we gonna do durin the damn day? I mean your girl is a bikini beauty and all, but damn I can't just sit by a damn pool all day, I gots to show my face around town. Of course, the day activity has to be cheap. Guess that means no spa treatment where my naked body is lathered in mud by two men in thongs while bein fed wine and crackers by two more men wearin nothin but flip flops. Can't check any of that off of my list either.

All of this leaves me completely bummed bout my bday weekend and exhausted from thinkin bout my "not even close to completed" to-do list.

Lesson Of The Day: I hear San Diego is littered with Army/Navy Men, if I put them on my To-Do list maybe I will feel motivated to get things accomplished!

Hatin On Dream Crushers...

2011-05-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

Against my better judgement I went to Starbucks today ya'll, the place where dreams are made. Unfortunately it just made me re-realize how much of a Dream Crusher these bastards are. I mean for real ya'll, they turned me down for a job when they got a bunch of Mo's workin the coffee machines. The line was out the damn door and took me 20 mins just for them to take my damn order. I ordered a Veinte, decaf vanilla latte, with an extra shot, and three pumps of vanilla. Those bitches gave my nonfat milk....are they tryin to hint at something??? It was like drinkin watered down coffee. I also ordered a sausage sandwich...nowhere in that order did I say I wanted my sandwich cold. For real ya'll I swear they just ripped that shiz outta the damn freezer. Again, these arrogant arses thought they were too good to have my big, boned, beautiful body grace their presence every day??? I guarantee my mind is ten times smarter than theirs! And to think they weren't even gonna call me, I had to waltz in and ask about my damn application....the nerve!

Lesson Of The Day: If you wanna be a barista, stick to McD's...their coffee is ten times better!

Hatin On Blind Friends...

2011-05-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

Sunday of this weekend sucked ya'll. First of all, I got a damn text earlier in the week from this boy I used to babysits mom. She wanted to get together to see Bridesmaids and get some Lunchie. I reluctantly accepted considerin I haven't seen them in ages, but would've really rather stayed at home. So Sunday arrives....

I get to their house and am told that Clark is meetin us there. A lil background on this hoe...When I was considerin quittin McD's to become a famous barista, the boy's momma emailed me with this Clark hoe CC'd. She was introducin us and sayin how Clark would be brilliant for my job replacement. First of all ya'll, this lady said nothin to me about this, just took it upon herself to hook me up with this hoe to get her a job...MY job. Anyways, so that's Clark and she's been pushin this whore down my throat ever since about how we're so alike and could be the best of friends.

So now we are in the damn car headin to the movies and I am told that another family and their two damn rugrats are joinin as well...they obviously don't realize I hate kids. At the movie theatre they stick me in a seat next to the other family's father and guess who....CLARK! After the movie the momma says "hey, you know how to get to lunch, so you ride with Clark and show her the way". Seriously ya'll, they are lucky I'm not rude cause I would've started walkin home. I rode with this chick makin small talk and she was all up in my biz and then tryin to pretend like she knew everything about the damn food industry. Dude you work at a gas station, you know nothin about the food industry hoe, so shut yo damn mouth! Lunch was awkward like the rest of the day, and I barely spoke the whole time, which was really to benefit them. That day reminded me of a blind date that your friends really push to set up...except...this was a blind friend set up...noooo thank you, I am fine with my 5 close friends.

Lesson Of The Day: It's better to have 5 best friends, than 100 acquaintances.

Side Note: The Bachelorette started last night, and as much as I can't stand Ashley...I am looking forward to all of the dramz, like the D. Bag that manipulates her but really was hopin she was Emily, HAHAHAHA! I have to finish watchin it on my DVR, and will possibly update ya'll later.

Hatin on Newbs...

2011-05-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll, I know your girl has been M.I.A again. I don't know how ya'll do this bloggin thing every day. I mean for realz, I can barely find time to take a dump let alone sit here and type. Anyways, so this time the reason I've been missin is cause of a Newb. I mean for real ya'll, I been trainin this chick for a whole week at McD's. It's been hell...a constant shadow. The grease pit is small enough with my fat arse, but then you squish one more person in there like your at a damn concert and can't move, think, or breathe. I got so damn fed up I sent that beyotch outside to clean the damn sidewalk. Then I made her take out ALL of the trashes, hell I even made her dust the damn cash register one day when I was workin the drive-thru. Thank gawd today is her last day of trainin so I can be a lone spirit once again.

Lesson Of The Day: Ask for a different trainer if you're assigned one named Harlem.

Haley's Out

2011-05-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Hey bitches, the witch is out! Haley Reinhart got voted off of American Idol tonight. Guess you had no reason to be a Diva after all. Even though I don't necessarily love Lauren and Scotty, I definitely think they deserve it more. They were so sincerely thankful for this opportunity, and that's nice to see. That brat just got thrown out like yesterdays damn news.

Lesson Of The Day: Attitude really is everything!

P.S. Casey, I guarantee the bitch will drop you...so for your sake I hope you beat her to it!

Hatin On Loud Brats...

2011-05-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

And people wonder why Ima child hata....I went to a new church on Sunday. This place was so huge and confusin, so your girl just hopped into the first door I came across. Apparently it must've been the kiddie section cause I was surrounded. Since I arrived late I decided to suck it up and just sit there anyways. Plus, the rugrats around me were being quiet with the exception of an occasional wimper. About half way through the sermon I thought a hurricane was comin. It sounded like thunder and then the side door flung open. In runs these four lil terrors. They must've though they were on a damn playground because they were playin tag in the church! A hot minute later rushes in two frazzled parents holdin two more babes. I mean seriously ya'll, this lady popped out six brats! The whole service the dad had to chase them all around and then he would take them outside to talk to them....talk?? Maybe that's the problem, had they been given proper whippens maybe they would've been behavin like the pleasant children around them. Throughout the service I found myself prayin to have patience cause I was bout to go ape shiz on these kids!

Haley Reinhart from American Idol must've been one of those lil brats when she was younger, cause homegirl has a major tude. This week on American Idol I wanted to slap her upside her damn head. She was such a bitch to Randy when he was giving her constructive criticism. Homegirl, if you can't take the heat then find a new career. You are a nobody and will have a very short career with that attitude. J-Lo and Steven Tyler will not always be there to defend you. You're lucky me and Simon weren't your judge cause we would've given you a verbal beat down that would've left you emotionally unstable. Lucky for you James Durbin went home, but you deserved to...Hollywood does not need any more divas.

Lesson Of The Day: Watch the attitude because you won't be so lucky next time.

Hatin on PepBoys...

2011-05-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

After my dreams of becoming a Starbucks barista flew out the window, I decided to stay at the grease pits. This gave Momma Hater and I the perfect opportunity to stroll about town causin trouble. One annoying errand we did have to fix, was my damn car. I needed new tires, new brakes, and my damn air conditionin fixed. I went to Pep Boys and those bitches were so rude. They called me up tryin to nickle and dime me for everything. When I told the guy I wanted to pick up my car, he said, "we've already put the new tires on". I said, "you mean to tell me you don't know how to take em off?" That dude had given me so much damn tude that I was fed up. He had no idea who he was messin with. So he huffed and puffed on the phone like a lil gurl. Seriously, what ever happened to customer service ya'll? I picked up my car and headed to Just Tires where they gave me new tires for $30 cheaper then Pep Boys, not to mention the guy who helped me was hot as hell! His name was Antoine and man he was gorgeous, way to go Just Tires! Then I headed next door to get my brakes replaced which was $100 cheaper then Pep Boys, can you believe that?? After the brakes, momma and I took the car down the street to a small independent shop that fixed air conditioners. See my air worked, but only on high. So Pep Boys said it was in the electrical work in the controls and they were gonna charge me $300. Poppa Hater said, "Gurl that air problem is just the rheostat". Guess who was right...Poppa. The independent guy new instantly it was the rheostat. To check the car, plus part, plus labor it was a total of $135. Needless to say, your girl will not be going to Pep Boys ever again. They are damn thieves!

Side Note: I had decided not to comment on Idol considerin they all suck and there is no one I am rooting for anymore. I actually didn't even finish watching Wednesdays show...so much for a season of the "best singers"ever in Idol history, yuck! The one thing I will say is Thank the Lord Jacob is off! Can I get an amen honey??

Lesson Of The Day: Give the small business owners yo damn business because they will beat the chain prices any day!

WTF JACOB LUSK????

2011-05-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

WTF Jacob Lusk, damn dude did you think the Idol stage was a strip club? What the hell is up with all the pelvic thrusts, and cheerleader moves? What drugs you been smokin, cause you were way too amped up for that lame ass performance. Show me your spirit fingers gurl!

Lesson Of The Day: When you have nothing nice to say, walk away....tonight I am walking away to comment on the rest tomorrow morning cause this is NOT gonna be pretty.

Show me your high kick Jakie! One Two.....

American Idol Update...

2011-04-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

AMERICA, What the H are you thinkin??? You got rid of Casey Abrams to keep that nasty ass honey badger, Jacob Lusk??? Am I being punked??? No wonder America is going to hell, the people are a bunch of damn idiots!

Lesson Of The Day: Next thing you know, Scotty McCreery will be President...couldn't get any worse, the U.S is already run by an illegal moron.

Hatin On American Idol - Six Contestants Left

2011-04-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

I know ya'll missed me last week, but the female Simon is back better then ever!

Jacob Lusk: Where to begin...As usual your screamin, facial expressions, and bow tie remind me of a corny drama queen. For your safety and mine, please stop dancin, you're gonna kill somebody! Steven told you to strut...well you did, like a hen struts for a rooster.

Lauren Alaina: Girl, please find a new idol that actually knows how to sing and doesn't toke the bong. Miley Cyrus is not someone I would ever admit likin. Why did you bring that poor boy on stage to just leave him for five minutes to walk around. Bad Call. Baby girl, you need to hold your high note louder and longer. You sounded way better in your duet with Scotty than solo.

Scotty McCreery: This is the first time I've actually thought you were decent. You toned down your facial expressions, hell you even tried to sing directly into the mic instead of outta the corner of your damn mouth. I hate the twang in your voice, but you were wayyy less annoying.

James Durbin: The beginning was great until you started sneakin those damn screams in. Dude not every song needs to have spasms of screaming...face it, you will never be Adam Lambert, so stop while you're ahead! You are so obnoxious, can you not pick up on Ryan tellin you to unplug your damn guitar? But noooo, you purposefully plug the damn wire back in. Your attitude will bury you.

Casey Abrams: Amazin, but when you really sing it sounds a lot better than the yellin/growlin. FYI, see how datin Haley has made a name for yourself???? Just imagine what it would do for your career if you got her preggers! I saw you makin google eyes at her son...remember to put a raincoat on junior.

Haley Reinhart: I hate that song!

Lesson Of The Day: This is not the J-Lo Show...girl let Randy talk, damn you bossy!

Hatin On Glee...

2011-04-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

Hey Bitches, bet ya'll thought I fell off the face of the damn planet again eh??? Well wipe those tears cause I'm not goin anywhere! Actually, Mama Hater is here and we've been busy partyin on the boulevard.

Anyways, I have decided to give up on Glee. What the hell are these people thinkin with the direction of this show??? This show used to be original and hilar, but now they've decided to take it in another direction....It shouldn't be called Glee because it's now the Kurt Show. Season one was brilliant with the Kurt storyline. They introduced him as a gay man and showed the difficulties he faced in high school. They incorporated that in with the other characters so you got to know everyone and their was a whole array of stories going on in each episode. Lets be honest, everyone has difficulties in high school, thank god for the Lauren Zises and Ms. Pillsbury storyline!

It's now All Kurt All the time. He sings numerous long boring ass songs, and is in the fore front of every episode. Last nights ballad he sang made me want to painfully rip my damn ear drums out of my head...I had to fast forward. THEN he showed up at the mall with some corny ass dance moves and that made me want to scoop my eye balls out of my damn head! Come on Ryan Murphy, what about Sam who has a wayy better voice, and Mercedes??? Stop shovin Kurt in everyone's faces! Dude, nothin against Chris Colfer, but I am sooo over him! He is not nearly as good as the other actors at singing, or acting. I'm havin Kurt overload! I will not be watching Glee any longer, it is goin in the wrong direction. Hey, I have an idea...get rid of Kurt and bring Blaine and Santana to the front of that storyline, now that is a good idea!

Lesson Of The Day: Kings Of Leon may have had some reason to their madness when dissin Glee! Don't fall to temptation guys, stay away from this trainwreck!

Hatin On Dancing With The Stars Week 5...

2011-04-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

What the H is up with "America" week on Dancing With The Not-So-Famous Stars? The dance styles did not go well with the songs, and the band singing them sounded horribly pitchy! The lady singing America The Beautiful during Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burkes dance completely butchered that song. All of the runs she was putting throughout the song and making her voice shake just killed it and not in a good way. Kirstie Alley and Max, I hate to say it...you guys blew it. I love you two and am your biggest supporter, but this week was a disappointment. Baby girl, your facial expressions were excruciating to watch. The skit with John Travolta was awesome though, he was so hilarious! Homeboy must have gone some hair crops cause he was lookin harier then usual.

Lesson Of The Day: If you missed DWTS Monday feel lucky, you saved your ear drums!

Hatin On Unknown...

2011-04-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

OMG ya'll, I wasted 1 hr. and 49 mins of my life Sunday! Actually, considering that I slept through 49 minutes of the movie, I probably really only lost an hour of conscious living. Anyways, I saw the movie Unknown on Sunday night. Thank God it was a $3 movie theatre because what a waste of money! This movie is about a dude that gets into a damn car accident and then thinks that someone else stole his damn identity. Basically he turns out to be part of this assassins group where they are hired to kill people, so they take on these fake identities. So the person he thought he really was, was actually a fake. He had originally been hired to kill the guy that discovered a way to farm corn in all environments. Seriously ya'll, this wasn't about money, it was about damn corn! One word pops into my head...stupid!

January Jones, girl, please go back to acting school. Your actin skills are ranked up there with Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. Since Mad Men is gettin rid of some characters this season, I think they should drop your ass!

Lesson of the day: If you need to catch some zzzz's, go see Unknown...you will sleep like a baby!

American Idol update....

2011-04-15T15:54:00.001-07:00

As I'm sure all of you have heard, Old McDonald got voted off of Idol last night. At least he has that hoe Nikki Reed from Twilight to pay his rent now. Dude, ain't nothin wrong with a Suga Momma.

Stefano you best be thankin yo lucky stars son, cause someone saved your dirty ass.

Lesson of the Day: If you get the boot, make sure you have a rich bitch to pick up your tab!

Hatin on American Idol 4/13/2011

2011-04-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

The female Simon strikes again, see my comments on the contestants performances from last night (4/13).

Casey Abrams - I hate to say it son, but last night sucked. You should've listened to Jimmy Lovine my friend. The original song you chose sounded amazing during your time with Jimmy, what the F were you thinkin changin it. I love that song you sang last night, but you ruined it for me. The judges must be deaf to give you a damn standing ovation. I did notice your beard was shorter, thanks for takin my advice. Now shave the damn thing all the way off, before I start callin you Peach Fuzz.

Haley Reinhart - That's the best you've sounded, thank god you didn't do all that damn growling. That last note at the end pierced my ears though. Please stop screamin during fast songs, you are bustin all the windows in my damn house!

Jacob Lusk - I have nothing else to say to you, except that I hope you get voted off next!

James Durbin - First of all my friend, who the hell do you think you are? I see why you didn't want to listen to Jimmy, but what's with the attitude. You are a nobody...actually you are someone...an asshole! I wouldn't be surprised if you are in the bottom three because of your superior attitude. Who the hell are you to tell Jimmy Lovine that he couldn't recognize a hit when it's just on a piano. I'm surprised he didn't F you up right then. You are going to burn major bridges with that tude. The judges should be ashamed for not tellin you to keep that in check. I hope your ass gets voted off because America does not need another Diva celebrity.

Lauren Alaina - Love you girl, but I know you got more power then that. Obviously you are better then Miley Cyrus, because she not only sucks on salvia pipes, but at singing as well. Step it up a notch sweetheart and give the other contestants a run for their money.

Paul McDonald - *sigh* Poor Old McDonald, you are gettin boring my friend. I used to root for you, but now you just remind me of something my parents would listen to....not my cup of tea at all. You remind me of a cruise ship singer.

Scotty McCreery - You managed to make the movie Pure Country and George Strait not sexy anymore. Now every time I hear that amazing song I will have nightmares of you ugly ass facial expressions attacking me. NASTY!

Stefano Langone - Way better this week brother. You sang for your life. Unfortunately I don't like the kind of music you sing, the R&Bish sounding music. BUT, for what it was, wayyy better. I still think this might be your week to go though, even though Jacob or James should leave first!

Lesson of the Day: No One deserves to win Idol, at least not yet...please prove me wrong.

Hatin on Dancing With The Stars

2011-04-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

Against my better judgement I tuned into Dancing With The Stars last night. I mean for realz ya'll, what the hell was I thinkin! First of all, the only one worth tunin in for is Kirstie Alley. That big boned beautiful woman is my idol, she looks like your girl Harl. Plus with the bad luck she's had the last two weeks she always maintains a happy attitude!

What did that chick Kendra not bitch about last night? First it was the music, she hates classical music...but I guess you shouldn't expect much more from a failed Playboy model. That girl sucked so hard you would've thought she was back at the Playboy Mansion. When the judges were critiquing her she kept getting all huffy and was in that diva defensive stance. When Bruno was tellin her how bad she was and pushin her to do better she made a comment about only havin 4 days to work on the routine. Bitch please...EVERYONE only had 4 days which is a total of 96 hours, sounds like a lot to me! How bout you shut the hell up and work harder! Len (the old man) kept giving her credit for being a beginner to which Kendra replied "THANK YOU, I appreciate that". I mean even her tone of voice was bitchy, in other words hinting at Bruno that he was wrong. Too bad we can't get a plastic surgeon to come in and perk up her attitude the way they did her massive boobs. Girlfriend looks like she's bout to fall over from bein so damn top heavy!

Lesson Of The Day: Attitude ain't gonna get you points bitch. Go back to Hef....wait a minute, he doesn't even want your stank ass...poor Hank! Go Kirstie and Max!

Hatin On Letters

2011-04-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

Well it's about time to move to the land of Oranges ya'll. I gotsta get outta this grease pit and move on to bigger and brighter pastures...Starbucks. My dream is to become a damn Starbucks barista. I will secretly admit that their coffee is not nearly as good as McD's, but I guess I will have to suck it up if I'm to become a famous barista. Anyways, as much as a despise the pits I have decided to bow out gracefully and professionally. The problem is I have no idea how to write a damn resignation letter. I've been googlin it like crazy and all I can find are these really formal ones. My boss and I are on a first name basis, so it would be extremely weird if all of a sudden I started writin "Mrs." or "Mr.". Below is an informal letter I found online, do you think this would be good enough to submit, or does it look like somethin you'd write in elementary school?

Dear (manager name),

I am writing you to officially tender my resignation from (company name) effective (last day of work). Working for (company name) has been a wonderful experience. I could not ask for a better group of colleagues. I have grown in many ways here and will always treasure the opportunities provided for me by (company name).

I will be relocating to (place) to pursue a new endeavor. While I will miss my friends here at (company name), I feel that it is time for a new challenge and experience. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Best Wishes,

(your name)

Let me know your thoughts ya'll! Tomorrow is Idol night, so you better believe there will be some major hatin to do on Wednesday mornin...it just fuels my hate fire!

Lesson of the Day: If you walk into Starbuck and see your girl Harl, make sure to keep your order simple. I don't want none of that fancy bullshiz. Thank you and "Welcome to Starbucks"!

Hatin on Aubrey O'Day

2011-04-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I was watching the Aubrey O'Day Project on the Oxygen channel and just can't believe how ugly she's gotten. For the ones who don't know she used to be in that girls band Danity Kane, but P.Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs (whatever the hell his name is now) kicked her out. Anyways, her new show The Aubrey O'Day Project has just started up and it's a major trainwreck. I guess that's a good thing because that's the only reason your girl watches is it. During Danity Kane she started out naturally beautiful, but now she is startin to look like the damn cat lady. That's the problem with Hollywood, they are all too wrapped up in being the perfect mannequin that they usually end up uglier then they were in the beginning. Girlfriend wears way too much makeup and her teets are so large now they are suffocating her.

Lesson Of The Day: Sue your plastic surgeon cause you look fugged up.

American Idol Update

2011-04-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

To hate or not to hate, that is the question.....hahah who am I kidding, hate on people!!!

As many of you may have heard Pia Toscano a.k.a SNOOZEFEST has been kicked off American Idol. Thank You America, you have now made Idol somewhat interesting. The look on Jennifer Lopez's face was priceless, so worth it!

Lesson Of The Day: Maybe Idol is worth watchin after all. Is it sad that I take pleasure in others tears??

Hatin on American Idol

2011-04-07T15:55:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll, so as you know I have been M.I.A for a few months and that is contributing why this post is coming so late since Idol is already down to nine (although one is leavin tonight). Anyways, I am back and louder than ever so put your boxin gloves on J-Hoe cause I am comin after you.

The beginnin of the season started off with a bang. Steven Tyler was the only reason I watched because god only knew what that dude was gonna say. Unfortunately Idol has told him to tone it down, and we don't hear much from Tyler these days except for him telling every contestant that they blew him away....how is that possible considering most nights I fast forward through their lackluster performances. There was hope that Randy Jackson would be the new Simon as he started out being brutally honest during auditions, but Jennifer Lopez made it impossible for him to speak. Any time he disagreed with her she would cut him off by sayin "shush" or talking over him with how great the person was. Sometimes she would give a fake tear or claim to have "goose pimples". News flash beyotch, you may be able to be a Diva to your damn assistant, but back the F off and let someone else talk. No wonder you married Mark Anthony, if he ever gets out of hand you can squish him like the untalented bug that he is. It's so annoying that the judges never have anything negative to say, so today....I am the new Simon Cowell and am going to be brutally honest about the remaining 9....here goes:

Pia Toscano- amazing voice, but damn girl how many time we gotta tell you to pick up your damn feet and get into it. This walking and stopping bullshiz has gotta stop. Get down with your bad self.

Casey Abrams - very talented, but don't always act like a wounded puppy. Own it, and pleaseeee on behalf of all of the rotten food crumbs....shave the damn beard completely off, I promise you'll get more votes. I will even finally pick up the damn phone cause you are one of my favs.

James Durbin - Well this week you've toned down the screaming, so that's a plus. Unfortunately, you will never be as good as Adam Lambert. Please stop hammin it up for the cameras. Let Ryan do his job and get out of the damn way!

Scotty McCreery - Dude your facial expressions are killen me. And what the hell is up with singin and talkin out the side of yo damn mouth fool? You are not a ladies man and will never be Elvis. You only did Elvis justice last night because you sounded better then you have before, and that still isn't sayin much!

Paul McDonald - I love you Paul, you are one of my favs. I do feel like you've been slackin ever since you did Rod Stewart, lets bring back some of that! Quirky is in my friend!

Stefano Langone - A great improvement last night, but you still remind me of a cruise ship performer. I ain't got nothin against you son, but I think you will be leavin soon.

Jacob Lusk - What is this a damn cheerleading competition? Tone down the facials son! Your expressions are so hideous they give me nightmares. You over sing most of your songs. When you don't over sing a song you over dramatize the performance which takes away from your singing capabilities. You are creepy as shiz dude.

Haley Reinhart - You got a great voice girl, but cool it with the growling. It's great to do it at peak moments in a song, but last night was wayyyy too much. Your voice is amazing at the end of songs when you are softer and not tryin to be a lioness.

Lauren Alaina - Love you girl! You are my favorite of the girls. I love how you are country and rock and roll. The mixture is a great combination. I think you need to work on your self esteem. You are so beautiful and girlfriend I noticed you been losin weight. With a voice and looks like that you are goin places, so put some more pep back into that step!

Lesson Of The Day: Bring back Simon, we need more honesty because nice is boring!!!

She's BAAAACKKKKKK

2011-04-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

Dang son the bitch is back! Boy do I have tons of hate to unleash. Lets start with Britney Spears. Your girl is not an avid fan of hers, but what the hell is the deal with everyone hatin on her dancin? She's released two music videos and done some live performances recently and everyone is talkin bout how her dancin sucks. Lets be honest...she is not nearly as good as she used to be, but the girl has popped out two babes and has turned the big 3-0. She still rocks it way harder then that joke of a performer Lady CaCa. I mean that bitch only became famous because she's so fuggin outrageous. I will admit, when the Lady Man started she did entertaining videos, but now she is just plain freaky. How is she considered a fashion icon when all she wears is a bra and panties? How could anyone think that she is fashionable when she slaughters cows just to wear them to awards shows? What about the time she wore red panty hose over her entire body and face? I don't even need to bring attention to that freakin egg she arrived in, lets be honest...she only showed up to the red carpet in that so she didn't have to talk to the media. You peeps are blind and stupid if you like that joke. Plus, her dancing is that of a beginner. Christina Aguilera could never dance either. Those two bitches had back up dancers that made them look bad! If I sucked that hardcore I would hire shitty dancers to make me look like I was as good as Britney is on a stiff day.

Lesson Of The Day: Stop saying Britney's dancing sucks when she is still wayyyy better then Lady CaCa and Christina Barfulara.

Hatin on Disobedience

2010-02-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll, your girl is freakin exhausted. This is probably due to my disobedient stripper, Candy. She gets so excited to see me in the morning and at night that she goes ape shit. That lil dog jumps on every couch 10 times AND on the damn coffee table. Thank GAWD I haven't gotten new tables yet cause the lil shit would've scratched the hell outta them. I was changin my damn clothes yesterday and I heard her jump on the coffee table, so I run outta my damn bedroom with my pants in hand. I chased her around the table tryin to spank her. I may not have made contact, but I definitely scared the shiz outta her. She ran under my bed and looked at me so pitifully. Your girl Harl is totally gonna get her into Obedience School ASAP! This is my 3rd week with the hellraiser and I love her, but she needs to slow her damn roll.

*Note: If you wonder why I call my newly adopted dog Candy a stripper it's because the name Candy is #2 on the list of top 10 stripper names.

Lesson Of The Day: Dogs really are like children...luckily for society I believe in spankins!

Hatin on Overtime

2010-02-16T12:24:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll, phew thank Gawd for Monday off! I worked so much damn overtime on Friday that I shouldn't have to work this week...that is assuming I lived in a perfect world, but I don't so it's back to the grease pits.

I hate workin overtime, especially because it usually comes out of the blue. Friday I started off workin a normal shift...flirtin at the window, then bustin arse at the pit. Then outta nowhere my damn manager tells me I gotta stay late cause he has to go talk to someone in corporate. What the damn fig newton?!?! Are you kiddin me. He informs me that he doesn't know when he'll be back for his late shift (since we're open 24 hours). Guess how long your girl had to stand around....till 1am fools! That is 1am on a Friday night. The only other person there with me was Pervie Patrick! This dude is like 70 years old AND he got sued by a prostitute...no joke! That's who they left me there with all alone. I kept havin visions of him walkin around the damn corner, yellin surprise, and then seein him butt naked with his wrinkly Willis flappin in the wind. Thankfully I survived, but the thought still gives me nightmares.

Lesson Of The Day: When approached to work overtime, tell your boss you came down with a case of Leprosy.

Hatin on Skeezers

2010-02-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

Your girl is totes hatin on Skeezy guys today. If you've read my blog you may recall that a few months ago a guy in my apartment building approached me in the elevator and told me how pretty I was. Anyways, he lives on the same floor as I do so he's helped me move my entertainment center in and out of my apartment, and things of that nature. A couple of weeks ago he even commented on my damn beauty again! Now I know I am the bomb diggity, but damn this guy has the fever! He has a girlfriend that lives with him, and every time we are all in the elevator together it is sooo awkward. No one talks to each other. He will say hi to me and then she will try to talk to him and he ignores her. Acts like he doesn't even know this damn chick! He may be a skeezer and not have a chance in hell with your girl right now , but he is some definite eye candy that I can appreciate!

Damn my apartment buildin is loaded with hunks. It's like every time I get in the damn elevator there is a new one smilin at me and shiz. I am gonna start widdlin notches on my damn bed post for all the guys I've been hookin in that damn lucky arse elevator.

Lesson Of The Day: Who needs Match.com when you have an apartment building infested with horny men?!?

Hatin on Dog Clothes

2010-02-08T11:03:00.000-08:00

I don't know if ya'll picked up on this or not, but Candy the once impregnated stripper is this dog I've been fostering. She is sooo cute and really low maintenance like Doogie Howler. Anyways, I am going to adopt her. I admit, I am one of those Lamesters that buys dog clothes for their lil ones. I'm sorry, but when it is rainin they shiver and shake, so of course they need a damn raincoat people! Of course they need damn sweaters for the winter cause they get colder then us damn humans. The problem is they have soooo many cuter clothes for girl dogs then boys. Needless to say I've been goin crazy on pink clothes for my lil stripper and I don't even like the damn color pink....just seems to suit a lil girl doogie. They are so damn expensive. I wish I was womanly and could sew cause I would make a damn killen and I wouldn't even have to rob a damn bank! Good thing I am sellin shiz on ebay....what is my loss in a boy toy, is someone elses gain in jewelry and my gain in money!

Lesson Of The Day: Who needs kids when you have quiet, potty trained dogs that you can dress up and when they're bad you can put them in a cage!

Hatin on Strip Clubs

2010-02-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll, damn I've been so bad at bloggin. Today I'm keepin it short with a lil strip club bashin. Why are soooo many strip clubs called "Gentlemen's Club"? What TRUE gentleman goes to a damn strip club? It's half naked to butt naked girls dancin around for pervs to oogle at. Then you can throw money at them. If you're lucky you can go into a damn VIP room and get your goodies on with these damn hoes. What the frig about any of that is gentlemanly?

I need the money, if I dance around will you paypal me some Benjamins?

Lesson Of The Day: Do NOT call yourself a gentleman if you go to titty bars, if you're cool bein a Desperate Douche then have at it!

Hatin on Dildo

2010-02-01T12:07:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll! Damn, your girl has been so busy. Between work, workin out, friends, lovers, Candy-the once impregnated stripper, Doogie Howler, and hangovers...your girl can barely find the time to breathe! Anyways, I went to bed last night to the sounds of the movie Raising Helen in the background. At 2am I hear sounds from the home shopping network. I pry my damn balls of eye open and what the friggle does your girl see???? A damn purple dildo. The Home Shoppin Network was sellin pleasure machines in my favorite color! Not to mention, the girl displaying these fake genitalia was wearing a hideous nerdy sweater and a headband! She looked like she just came from the golf course. The only image in my head today is of a bright purple penis. I don't know about you all, but I prefer any John Thomas that comes near me to be 100% real Kosher beef!

Lesson Of The Day: Turn off the TV before you go to sleep.

Hatin on Ex's

2010-01-25T09:42:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was watchin Dexter, that show on Showtime about the man that secretly kills evil people. Anyways, Rita (Dexter’s girlfriend) was having a girl’s night out with Debra (Dexter's sister). Rita was expressing how she missed her ex husband, the good things about him. Debra had some good advice...she said:

"It's not the person you miss, because you know he doesn't offer anything. It's the way he made you feel about yourself that's real."

What do ya'll think about this? Do you think it's true? I feel like just when I am finally gettin over an ex, someone else comes in my damn life and starts the whole damn cycle over again. Then you look back and have those days where you miss one/all of them. I felt like I was missin them all for different reasons, but I wasn't. I was missin each asshole for the same reason, that damn feelin was gone; secure, beautiful...happy. It wasn't their quirks, or their affection, but the happiness and excitement I felt from those things.

You can get a similar feelin from even just a damn stranger, granted it doesn't last as long. For example, I was in the elevator of my apartment building Saturday and one of the tenants looked over at me and said, "You are really pretty, but I bet you get that a lot." I said, "No I don't get that at all," which was a great conversation bust. It would've been better if he'd said I was fine as hell, but just him sayin that made me feel so damn beautiful...I was walkin on air. Even if this is a completely harmless situation, at least you have the happiness back. It may not last a long, but 5 minutes is better than nothing. I swear my elevator/apartment building is magical cause lightnin strikes every time I get in!

Lesson Of The Day: Find somethin that will make yourself happy without havin to rely on someone else.

Hatin on Doogie

2010-01-24T15:09:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll, today I am totes hatin on Doogie Howler. He is the only man in my life that has never let me down, and today he has failed me. Let me give you a visual image of this lil terror....he's 5 years old, 3lbs., Chihuahua. He NEVER barks. He spends most of his days sleepin, and he refuses to eat people food unless it's Nacho Doritos (his mothers fav.). Hell, Doogie refuses to eat even dog food unless it's Steak Moist and Meaty, or Snausages. With the exception of his picky food habits he is really low maintenance, which I love. He sleeps in until I wake him and he's magnificently potty trained.

For some reason today Doogie decided to be a real damn dog and cause some trouble. It started with him gorgin himself with his moist and meaty (which if you knew Doogie, that would normally make me happy). Unfortunately, he ate too damn much and too damn fast and ended up pukin right next to my damn couch! Next I walk into my damn love nest and see Doogie has knocked over the damn trash can, which is literally 3 times his height and size. This has spilled papers and old dog food crumbs EVERYWHERE! Insert mental picture of me on my hands and knees with my damn handy vac! Your girl Harlem looks to her right and what does she see now????? Dog pee! It's all over the side of the closet door seepin onto the carpet and in the closet track. This is a complete shock to me because Doogie is a male dog, but never once in his 5 years of livin has he EVER lifted his leg on anything. Never marked his territory...NOTHING! So he breaks his clean record of bein potty trained AND learns to lift his leg all on the same day...LOVELY! So much for low maintenance. Could someone point me in the direction of an animal shelter cause Doogie's goin to boarding school.

Lesson Of The Day: That's why boarding school/animal shelters were invented...for all bad boys, girls, and pets.

Hatin on UV Water

2010-01-21T10:58:00.000-08:00

Have ya'll gangstas ever heard of a thing called UV Water?? Well at work they let us have an unlimited supply of this shiz called UV Water. It's a machine that runs water through a UV filtration which is supposed to zap out all the dirties. I swear this shiz is fryin my insides. How can water that has been zapped with damn UV rays be good for you? Peeps knock your girl Harlem for vacationin in a damn tannin bed...always sayin I'm gonna get skin cancer. Isn't that what UV Water is going to do? I'm gonna get skin cancer regardless if it's from a bed or water, the only difference is I'll either be tan or white. Sorry ya'll I choose to be a bronzed beauty. I may not be hydrated, but at least I'll be tan and beautiful in my coffin!

Lesson Of The Day: Step away from the water hole.

Hatin on Rain

2010-01-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

OMG ya'll does it ever stop rainin in this damn hell hole??? I swear, rain is only sexy in the movie The Notebook (see image)!

It's been downpourin for nearly a damn week. My hair is all kinked out in curls, and my clothes are completely see through (I know some of you are thankin God for that). It sucks when I'm at work because all I want to do is be home with Doogie readin raunchy romance novels or playin my damn Wii. Side note, I got Super Paper Mario for Wii last night....amazeballs is all that needs to be said! Also, when I reach out of the drive-thru window my clothes get drenched again which forces me to strip butt naked in front of all of our loyal customers. I should be chargin for that kind of exposure!

Durin the weekend the rain sucks because I can't go runnin at the damn park. When I tried, my workout clothes got so muddy I just threw them away. Last weekend I went out on the town when it was stormin and got drenched like a damn dog. The only good thing about bein wet is I had a lot of guys offer to give me their jackets and warm me up...what gentlemen, or Creepensteins, you decide. The only thing left to do if you are even willin to brave the weather is go to the movies. It's a good thing there are a lot out I want to see. If you're lookin for your girl Harl this weekend and it's rainin, check out the local theatre...that's where Doogie and I will be.

Lesson Of The Day: Roll up your pant legs when walkin in the rain, it's no fun sportin soaked jeans all day!

Hatin on Treading

2010-01-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll, it's your girl Harlem bloggin straight from her mansion in the hills. I had today off from work for my home boy MLK. As nice as it is to have a day off from the grease pits, I am stuck inside due to the damn rain. That means I've been hitten the damn treadmill hard instead of the park. By now ya'll know I have been eatin healthy and workin out like a well oiled machine. I tread and Wii Fit it Mon-Fri and Park and Tennis it, Saturday and Sunday. Needless to say I have my days of complete boredom with Frank (my treadmill). I have decided that I need a new activity for those days...SEX! That's right my friends...according to Nutrisystem's calculations, if you have 1 hour of vigorous sexual activity it burns 116 calories (yes, lower then runnin on Frank). Now I don't know about you all, but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun then the damn Treadmill. Plus, I am sure when they were calculatin the calorie burnage, they weren't thinkin of your girl Harl...so lets get freaky with it and burn those calories ya'll, any takers?

Lesson Of The Day: Wear protection when workin out, we don't need anymore lil bastards runnin around.

Hatin on Bad Habits

2010-01-16T10:44:00.000-08:00

Everybody has bad habits whether it's smokin, drinkin, drugs, sex, etc. Maybe your girl should feel lucky that mine are only food and bitin my damn nails. Now that I have the food thing in check, I have noticed that I have been gnawin away at my damn claws. WHAT THE HELL YA'LL?!?! I am so self conscious of them anyways because they are friggen nubs, but now it's even worse...I have bitten them so low that they hurt and bleed! The only way to temporarily fix it is to fake it and get my nails done, but I've been tryin to save some money. This habit has gotten so bad that I even had a nightmare about it. Here goes....

The man of my dreams popped the damn question to me and he went to slide the huge 50 carat ring onto my damn finger. Upon pullin my hand outta my pocket I noticed that I hadn't been to see Tin Min at Perfect Nails yet, so instead of a nice fake set of nails I had 1/2 inch nubs! I ripped my hand away and broke my lovers heart by yellin, "Didn't I tell you not to pop the damn question till I had my nails done!"

I jumped awake pouring sweat. PHEW, it was only a dream. Seriously though, what man proposes to a lady when she repeatedly asks to wait till she's seen Tin Min! Thank goodness he's not a real man, or is, but isn't. I wish they provided some sort of aid to help the biters stop bitin. That nail polish that is supposed to taste bad just tastes like bananas. That doesn't stop real biters! On a side note...I think your girl is actually goin to break down and get a Mac for real. I have the money, am just waitin to storm the store and buy it out....this could possibly happen today, hooty damn hoo!!!!

Lesson Of The Day: Take up smoking...at least you get 15 minute free breaks at work, and if you want to quit they provide patches and gum to help stop!

Hatin on Starin

2010-01-14T11:22:00.001-08:00

Damn this must be a world record cause I am postin twice today! Dude this guy was just walkin towards your girl, and yes...I am the only one around. He was starin at me, in my damn eyeballs the whole time. It was awkward, so your girl smiled at him. What'd that prick do? He turned the mother f'in corner and still stared, but never cracked a smile. He must be tryin to prevent wrinkles, or maybe his teeth are yellow and crooked. I mean I know I am drop dead gorgi, and guys have been known to stutter around me, and maybe he wasn't focused on my eyes, but my ginormous twins...but damn bitch, I did just smile at you!

Lesson 2 Of The Day: It's called a camera....take a picture bitch it lasts longer!

Hatin on American Idol

2010-01-14T09:49:00.001-08:00

UGHHHHH, your girl has done it again....that's right; I've been watchin American Idol. Every year I swear I'm not gonna do it, especially since they added a 4th judge. Well this year I've fallen off the wagon. They are back to 4 judges, minus Paula Abdul. I don't mind Paula is gone because I've never liked her. She's way too nice and I got sick of hearin her tell everyone they looked good, instead of commentin on their damn singin. As the seasons went on you couldn't even understand her because she's so drugged up. Paula, please save the world and check yourself into a damn looney bin...please! The new 4th judge they added was Kara Dio-retarded. She acts like a major know-it-all, but it seems like she is doing it just for more air time. Bitch, nobody knows who you are, get over yourself! One guy this season even called you Paula 5 times, get the hint!

Two episodes have aired so far with guest judges Victoria Beckham (my favorite Spice Girl growin up) and Mary J. Blige. I don't get what the Producers were thinkin with these two. In both of their episodes they barely said a damn word. I think they were used to get viewers and to look pretty because you know they don't have a damn cell in that brain. Could someone please feed Vikki B. a cookie? I thought she was gonna faint from malnutrition. That bitch is a walkin skeletor. Not to get off topic, but there's a girl that works at Mc D's that is a skeletor and I am always shovin fries down her damn face, not a good role model. Also, Mary J.B....with all that money you got girl wouldn't you think to go to a damn laser surgeon and remove that huge, ugly arse star tat off your damn shoulder? How can you judge some of these freaks on their appearance when you got the North Star coverin the top half of your damn bicep?

Supposedly Ellen DeGeneres is supposed to be the 4th judge later on this season. I think she is funny as hell, but I don't think she can or will appropriately criticize people on their singin. Next season there are rumors that Simon Cowell will not be judging American Idol. If that is the case I definitely won't be watchin. He is the only reason I tune in. He is like the male version of your girl Harl. He's such an arse, but there are so many people that need that harsh criticizm to get the point.

Lesson Of The Day: The only good thing to come from American Idol is Daughtry.

Hatin on Formal Wear

2010-01-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

Does any of my gangstas watch the Bachelor? I know this is probably the last thing you expect me to comment on considering everything that happened in last nights episode (1/11), but do ya'll remember Jake and Ali's one on one date? What the hell was up with her gettin those damn diamonds and then wearin a damn formal dress? Poor girl was stuck ridin a motorcycle dressed for prom. His lazy ass wore damn jeans and a polo. Your girl Harl kept thinkin Jakey Poo was gonna change into a suit, but NO he never did, not even for the fancy candlelit dinner. Then they decided to take a jog on a grassy field to get to a private concert. You think I would be runnin down a damn field in my princess gear? Hell to the no, I would've stripped naked before I rained sweat on my gown. At least someone told the poor girl to take a hair clip, which she utilized off and on throughout the date.

Lesson Of The Day: Fellas, please properly prepare your dates for the evenings festivities.

Hatin on Feelin

2010-01-06T08:54:00.000-08:00

Could some hunky, tan, muscular, Lifeguard God come perform some damn CPR on your girl? I swear I've stopped breathing. Have you ever had that moment in life where you literally realize you are holding your breath? This morning before headin to the grease pit I realized that is exactly what I was doin. I have no idea for how long, but I suppose I am lucky to be alive. How come when I am swimmin underwater I can only hold it for a few seconds, but when you are in that moment of emotional pain you can hold it for minutes upon minutes?

I used to be this strong woman...actually bitter might be a more accurate word then strong. I didn't take any crap from anyone, but lately I find myself drowning in it. My tough exterior has been cracked and I am completely falling apart. I hate feelings. As lame as it may sound...I hate the "feeling" part of feelings. I wish I could literally remove my tear ducts because poor Doogie is about to float away. Hmmm, how come Doogie Howler is the only one in my life that has always been there for me? He's always around, always comforting, always loving unconditionally, and the poor chap has only been around 5 years (35 in doog yrs).

So, enough about my feelings and sadness and blah blah blah, lets amp this puppy up. I will just channel all of this shiz into something that will better me...like my new workout regime! At this pace I will be lookin like one of those damn Vikki Secrets models in a month or two. If you go to the beach and you see an uber hot chiclet rollin around on the sand, come say hi, cause it's your girl doin her part to make the beach look better!

Lesson Of The Day: We all need to remember that time does heal all wounds...maybe.

Hatin on Stank

2010-01-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

Damn ya'll your girl got home at 2am this morning from the aeropuerto (That's airport in Spanish). Let me just tell you there was a major stank goin on in my damn crib. The toxic fumes jolted inside my nostrils, suffocatin the life outta your girl. So where did this stank come from???? Not from the damn basura (trash in spanish), I am smart enough to know to always empty the trash before vacay. Not comin from Doogie cause he was chillen with me for two weeks. Not comin from Ex-non-boy-toy, cause he's on another planet. The only thing left to do was search the entire casa (home in spanish). What was I lookin for you might ask....a damn rat! I searched high and low; every nook and granny (yes GRANNY) was searched! I even pulled back my sheets to make sure nothin crawled all up in my damn bed, I can't have anything interfere when the magic happens.

Still....NOTHIN....there is no source for this odor. I guess it gets that stank from the air not circulatin for two weeks. I plugged in some Glade in every outlet possible. Hopefully Doogie Howler and all of my prized possessions are not fried from an outlet fire when I get home.

Lesson Of The Day: It may be worth it to invest in a house sitter.

Hatin on Leavin

2010-01-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

I am totes hatin on leavin. Your girl is once again at the damn airport, I practically live here! That has all changed and this is my last damn flight at least for a few months. Anyways, I hate comin home after vacation, it's soooo quiet. Don't get me wrong, the quiet is nice and I can focus on me again, but it's still hard to get used to. This holiday I was surrounded by family and animals...4 dogs and a pig to be exact. Doogie Howler loved the attention and I'm sure he'll be sad to be home alone again.

Lesson Of The Day: Is home really where the heart is?

Hatin on New Years

2010-01-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll, today I am totes hatin on new years. Not New Years day necessarily, just new years in general. What good are they?? All it means is your gettin older. I make my damn resolutions and barely stick to them, but this year your girl is turnin over a new leaf! I actually have been workin out and eatin healthy! Bring on bikini season, cause I'm gettin ready. I will be walkin into the damn grocery store in a string, thong bikini. I'm gonna sleep in my kini, shop in my kini, go to the zoo in my kini, work at Mc D's in my kini (that will bring customers), and play millions of boy toys in my kini. This year I am cleanin out this damn closet health-wise, finance-wise, boy-wise...Let's super size this resolution. Gettin rid of all the bad and replacin it with good. Don't you fret my lil pets, your girl will still have plenty to hate on with all the tards and mo's that inhabit our damn planet (can you live on the moon yet, I might be makin a location change if so).

Lesson Of The Day: Some things fuel you more then inhibit....just find that thing and you'll be set for life! You will be seein a new Harlem come April 1, 2010!

Hatin On Traffic...

2009-12-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hey gangsta booties it's your girl!! Dude I am totes hatin on traffic...this could possibly be the second time for this rant! I was just at a bball game, yes my damn team won...why...cause your gangsta girl was there. Not only was I there, but so was the rest of the town. The traffic was horrid! Not to mention the people were bumpin and pushin.

Lesson Of The Day: Stay inside, people are the worst.

Hatin on Baggage

2009-12-30T14:55:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll it's your damn girl Harlem. You can call off the search party, I'm alive! Your girl is sittin here again at the damn airport wishin she wasn't so damn poor. If I had some bills I would hire me a damn muscular assistant to fly cross country with me just to carry my damn bags. I swear I broke my shoulder, neck, back, teets, and toes. The other gangstas at the airport think I'm puttin on a comedy act. They are laughin at me as I waddle by with my huge arse bag and then an additional bag that holds my Doogie Howler. WTF ya'll.

Lesson Of The Day: Wear a back brace when travelin.

Hatin on Crazies

2009-12-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll it's your girl bloggin remotely from my berry. I'm on vacay for 2 weeks and am gonna try and keep up with the bloggy blog. My Doogie is at the airport with me shoved in a lil bag, poor guy!

Anyways, today I am totes hatin on crazies. I was at the drive thru yesterday pickin up some damn tacos and this crazy starts yellin at me. She screamed, "Hurry up, Come on!" Oh hell no she could not be cluckin at me. I looked out the damn window and she was! She screamed again to hurry. I thought, Bitch don't make me get out this damn car. I yelled at her, "Are you kidding me? Shut the fuck up, I'm orderin my damn food fool!" I swear some peeps need a damn chill pill!

Lesson Of The Day: Patience people can be a damn blessin!

Hatin on Drinkin

2009-12-21T10:45:00.000-08:00

UGHHHH....what a weekend ya'll. Your girl Harlem was jammed packed with a To-Do-List that was a mile long....unfortunately my non boy toy, boy toy was not on that list :( Anywhoozle, I got completely blitztastic on Saturday night. This reminded me why I hate drinkin. Every time I think it's a brilliant idea. I have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 100 margaritas and then I wake up suicidal the next morning.

Saturday night the Christmas Partay was brilliant. It was Mexican themed and catered. The food was To Die For. There were mini empanadas, quesadillas, tacos, carnitas...AND....best of all....Margarita machines. Since they were personal machines they were loaded with tequila and a splash of sweetness. Your girl was floatin like a damn Goodwill blimp. I feel no hate what so ever, I clearly am not responsible for my actions. When I am sauced I love everyone. I don't remember anyone's names, but I go up to them and confess my love. Not to mention I ALWAYS bust arse. I am standin completely still in my mini dress and 4 inch heels, and then BAM, your girl falls to the floor laughing...scraped my damn knees and all. I feel no pain, have no energy to fight with anyone, life is good. I wish I could always be nonchalant like that, no worries, it's an amazing feeling.

Fast Forward to the next mornin....Sunday, or Hell Day as I call it. I woke up with a headache, stomachache, and eyes a burnin. I stayed in bed off and on for hours before I rolled out from under the covers like a beached whale. The only thing I felt like doin was gettin a coffee and takin a brisk walk because it was freezing outside. So all of this doesn't sound to incredibly bad, except for the fact I completely lost track of time. It took me so long to get up and actually get movin that I still had all these errands to run and only a few hours to do them. Not to mention, since I was so lost on time I forgot to contact my brosky and boy toy. I kept sayin to myself...."girl you just gotta finish this and then call them..." Yea it didn't work out that way, the next thing I knew it was 5 hours later and I still hadn't called! Did I mention I was runnin around town with swollen eye balls and greasy bed head? I swear someone stopped me and offered me money cause they thought I was homeless!

Then to calm down from a hectic day I went walkin at the park again at night time. I was just finishin up when it turned dark. This dude is slowly followin me on this lil midgie bike. I turned around and he rides right up next to your girl and peddles while staring. He's lucky I didn't have my damn nine, cause I was bout to bust a cap in his ass. So then since I am a lot of talk and no action I started runnin. The Mo Fo started peddlin faster. I know I am drop dead gorgi, but are you F-ing kidding me???? Umm, do I look like a damn marathon runner? He finally stopped and just started laughing. I swear to god I should've pummeled that Douche. I guess to look on the bright side (which I rarely do) he gave me a good work out, but not in a good way ;0)

Lesson Of The Day: Do not drink the night before a day of chores...it's worst punishment then being grounded!

Hatin on Cats That Copy

2009-12-18T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll, it's your girl Harlem back in action....woo boy am I sweaten to those damn oldies! Let me just tell ya'll how much I hate cats that copy. I know your girl is brilliant, unique, and totes hilar...but do you seriously gotta copy my shiz? If I had all my damn sayins copyrighted I would make a milly and a half. I would be able to peace out of Mc D's sooo fast I'd get a damn speedin ticket.

I should start makin Harlem t-shirts with my sayins, twits, and blogs so peeps can't take my damn material! Even Paris Hilton stole my shiz...who do you think started the phrase "loves it"....ME...HARLEM! Any ideas on how I can market this big, beautiful woman? I have to up my visitors as well!

Lesson Of The Day: Keep your trap door shut before some unoriginal Lamester banks off your idea!

Hatin on Facebook

2009-12-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

UGH ya'll, I am totes hatin on Facebook today. This damn interweb site causes so much trouble it gives me a damn headache. When it comes to relationships, I truly think Facebook can break a couple up. I have first hand experience with the troubles it caused between my previous 2 EX's.

First of all, can you please chill out with the status updates. Does anyone really need to know that your child bites hard when you're breast feeding? It's just as bad as the women that whip their damn teet out in the middle of Denny's! And what is up with people who have their EX's pictures plastered all over facebook when they are with a new person??? Facebook ain't no damn photo album for your life, take that shit down and show some damn respect for your new Hoe. The only reason to even keep your ex on Facebook is to A. either make them jealous, or B. you actually still have some sort of feelins there...but if you ask me A and B go hand in hand…regardless, it’s unnecessary and only causes drama.

One of my ex's, we'll call him DB #1, knew I had Facebook/MySpace. That Mo Fo was on those damn sites for 6 months before I found out and he STILL didn't add me as a friend. WTF arse, you probably have "single" as your relationship status. That's a clear red flag that he was hidin shiz. Another ex, we'll call him Psycho #1, was pushin me to change my damn relationship status from single to taken. Of course I never did...why??? Because I was a shady Mo Fo that didn't want other guys to know I was taken! If you’re with someone, you should want people to see you are taken, and you should want pictures and sweet messages up...if that changes, there is a problem. This same Psycho went to this party and told me no girls were aloud and that's why I wasn't invited. A week later I saw a picture of his dirty ass gettin a lap dance from this skank at some bar. The picture was posted on his friends Facebook page. Believe it or not, your girl Harlem did not freak out. I simply showed him the pict and said, "what's up with this". First mistake, he lied and said it wasn't him. Hmmmm, I may work at Mc D's, but I am no fool. So when he finally owned up to it, he then blamed it on me sayin I was snooping. What the F dip shit, it was on your friends public page! My philosophy is...it isn't snooping if you have nothing to hide. Also...just a tip, I guarantee you that gangstas see your activity on Facebook before you have time to delete the "update" message off your wall. If you're doin nothin wrong, then why hide it?

Lesson Of The Day: Delete Facebook, its way more trouble then its worth! Maybe I'll be deletin mine today.

Hatin on Xmas

2009-12-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

Normally your girl is all into the merryness of Christmas, but not this year...Bah Humbug! I don't want to be visited by any Christmas spirits or anything, but damn I am so not feelin it. See why below...

1. I have no damn money to buy gifts, which seems expected this time of year.

2. Why exchange gifts with friends? It's like buyin yourself somethin, but it's not what you really wanted.

3. What in the hell do you get a boss who has everything when you have nothing?

4. You want me to spend how long with family?

5. I thought I mentioned I needed to diet....that's nearly impossible during this wretched holiday! Children at the mall already mistake me for Santa Claus...WTF ya'll I have boobs!

6. Give to the poor....I AM the poor!

7. The hanging of Christmas lights....ugh, too much energy required to take them out of the damn closet and hang them just for a week.

8. Christmas songs...Sadly enough I have learned to tune these out, just doesn't feel like Christmas this year.

9. All retail stores are packed this time of year and I hate people!

I wish cupid would come down and shoot me with a damn Christmas arrow so I could feel the love this year.

Lesson Of The Day: Tell strangers Merry Christmas...fug em if they get offended that "Christ" is in the damn word. Oh and Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night...LOL!

Hatin on Seafood Diet

2009-12-14T02:34:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll guess who's back in action...your girl Harlem, as if any of you 3 readers give a damn. Anyways, I am bloggy bloggin at the damn airport today, so please disregard any unusual spellings.

First off, I am on the seafood diet at the moment...I see food and I eat it. Well being at the airport doesn't help me break this diet, but fuels it instead.

How come every time you are at the airport food becomes even more of a drug? You have to have your snack from home(choc chip cookies), then you get here and have to buy chips, candy, and bubblegum. Of course you need to have a well balanced meal so you stop at Mc D's for "real" food. Forget layovers, because what else is there to do to kill time... Eat another balanced meal at The King Burg! What The Hell ya'll, your girl is taking down this plane with all the pounds she's packin!

Lesson Of The Day: If you're dietin, stay away from the airport!

OOT

2009-12-10T17:17:00.000-08:00

Hey all of my loyal lovers....just wanted to give ya'll a heads up that your girl is gonna be unhooked from the blogverse until Dec. 14th. Check back in on Monday for more hatin and debatin.....

No Lessons Today, what do I look like....a damn teacher?

Hatin on Guilt

2009-12-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

Your girl is fumin mad today ya'll. I am totes hatin on guilt trips. My fam wonders why I don't tell them things....maybe it's because every time I do, they guilt me into doing something I don't want to.

For example, I was going to take a trip to their neck of the damn woods and not tell them. I only had two days with my non boy toy, boy toy and I knew they would want to delegate a certain amount of time for me to be with family. Of course, your girl ended up tellin the damn truth (always a bad idea). Guess what happened???? They have delegated one whole day of my two to be with family!!!! I already, on my own, delegated time to be with my brosky, but then they guilted me into seein my cousin and gramps. WTF people? You can't just stop by and say hi for 30 mins and peace out, they gotta be all up in your damn grill for hours! They reeled me in with the damn line about, "you don't know how much longer he'll live". SERIOUSLY?!?!? Can you be any more manipulative? Call me a selfish bitch, that's fine I agree, but at the same time why you still tryin to run my damn life?! Not to mention, gramps is comin to visit for Christmas in two weeks! Unfortunately, I am not as heartless as everyone thinks and will be stoppin by to see him....doesn't mean I'm not pissed about how it went down!

Lesson Of The Day: If I am keepin a secret from my family, trust that there is a really good reason why!

Hatin on Twitter

2009-12-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

I am embarrassed to say this ya'll, but your girl has joined Twitter (http://twitter.com/harlemshaterade). What the hell is this world comin to that Harlem, of all people, has become a follower in society's "norm". I hate Twitter, but now that I have joined I suppose I am a hypocrite, but that's ok because I invented the double standard. I mean honestly, no one cares what you are doing 24 hours a day. I highly doubt anyone will even read my damn "twits" (I know its tweets, but I have to make it original). The only people who deserve to use Twitter are celebs...but then I suppose I could sell my autograph for 50 buckaroons which would put me at A-List status, right??

Also, I think Twitter is just another way for people to stalk you. Not only can they stalk you through Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, and even by googlin you, but now if you have Twitter they can know where you are every second of every day. If you see your girl Harlem stiff on the front page of the damn paper one day, tell my fam to sue Twitter! The t-shirt below will help you better understand my feelings on this subject. Actually every t-shirt on this site is perfect for your girl Harlem http://www.tshirthell.com/store/link.php?id=c25vdzJibGF6ZXM=

Lesson Of The Day: If you care, check out my new Twitter account (link above in first sentence, DUH!)

Hatin on Public Urination Stations

2009-12-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll. Today I am toastin a big glass of haterade to public restrooms. I was in one today and it lit a damn fire up in me, for real!

What is up with chicks peein on the damn seats? What’s the deal, are you standin to pee...maybe your Christmas wish for a penis came true. You must be goin to a damn fire if you're in that big of a hurry that you can't wait to finish before you get up and fling your damn diseased piss everywhere. Do I look like your mother? Do you think I want to clean up after your bodily fluids? Men aren't even that dirty, at least they can aim straight.

So not only did the urination stations have pee pee on them, but they weren't flushed either. WTF ya'll! Everybody drops mega loads, we get that, but nobody wants to see it!

Upon finishin my business, I then go to wash my hands. There are two sinks up in this place and one is being used properly, by someone washin their hands. The other one is taken up by this bitch to put on her damn makeup. Does it look like your damn vanity area? Bitch that make up isn't goin to make your ugly ass face look any better, so be kind and move over so my fat arse can wash my damn disease infested hands.

Lesson Of The Day: Use the men’s restroom its cleaner.

Hatin on Women

2009-12-03T16:26:00.001-08:00

Well look who it is....it's your damn girl Harlem! Today I am totes hatin on bein a woman, see my examples on why it sucks havin a vajay.

1. I won't waste any time bein repetitive, so revisit the "Hatin on Shavin" from 10/22/09 and the recent "Hatin on Waxin".

2. Due to the above, showers take longer. It takes longer for girls to wash their hair because they use shampoo AND conditioner. Usually our hair is longer then the male species so it takes additional time to wash the entire product out. Also, we must shave our arm pits, legs (which takes an eternity), and in some cases your hoo haw. You can't forget to add in the standard amount of time just for the washin of the body. Once us women are out of the shower it takes a long time to dry our hair, style it, put lotion on, make up, and pick out clothes.
*Men only have to put some soap in their short hair, and wash their body. Some only shave their face and still manage to bitch about it. Boo Hoo pussy pants, try waxin, then you can cry!

3. It's more acceptable for a man to be overweight than a woman. If a woman is overweight she is expected to go on a milly diets and spend hours in the gym. If a man is overweight that means he has graduated from boyhood and is now found more sexy/more manly.

4. If a guy is feeling frisky and goes out and cheats on his woman, he then becomes a "hero". If a woman cheats, she just becomes a whore/hoe/slut, etc.

5. Women have to go through pregnancy. Not only do they have to monitor the male to make sure his swimmers don't escape, but then if any do...they have the burden of dealing with the lil bastard. Before pregnancy they have to deal with cravings, which lead to huge weight gain, moodiness, morning sickness, etc. Then they have to deal with the excruciating pain from being in labor and all of the gory details that go along with it. After the lil pea pod shoots out of the canal they then have the pleasure of breast feeding a baby that occasionally will pinch your nipple, again uncomfortable. Not to mention the nip leaks, or if you work you have to use a "lactation room" to pump. Also, the woman is the one that tends to get up late at night when this new joy is screamin at the top of its damn lungs. You also have the pleasure of trying to get rid of all of the baby weight you've gained, because god forbid your dick of a husband goes out and diddles the secretary...HA, what a hero!

6. Women have periods. With these comes cramps, tender teets, "occasional" moodiness, cravings, and did I mention blood...looks like a damn massacre!! All of which lasts a week if you're lucky. Once you are over this punishment you are given the blessing of menopause...HA, I won't even go there!

7. When men get wrinkles they are told that they get "sexier with age". When women get wrinkles they are directed to the nearest plastic surgeon. Again, this can lead the men to become a hero and diddle the cashier at the 99 Cent store!

8. Women have to see the Gynecologist yearly. We become violated by a stranger. Why can't they just teach boyfriends how to do this routine check up, it'd probably be wayyy more comfortable! Do I have to mention the "boob squish" test....yea, what a blessing it is to be a woman!

Lesson Of The Day: Ask Santa for a penis for Christmas, your life will be way easier.

Hatin on Waxin

2009-12-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll....sooo I did it....I decided to follow the "in" crowd and get a bikini wax. Here's the story of my adventure with Harriet (my home girl from Mc D's).

Harriet suggested it would be a lot easier if I got sauced first; it would help with the awkwardness of undressing in front of a complete stranger. So after a long day at Mc D's we went out for some drinks. Three tequila shots later your girl Harl was feelin no pain. Hell I could've gotten a damn bikini wax while jumpin out of a plane with no parachute on. Upon arriving to "Wendy's Waxin Wonderland", Lisa (the devil) called me into the back room to begin my transformation. Talk about awkward....she stood there and said she was ready and just stared at me. This is when the tequila shots came in handy. Normally your girl is all shy about strangers, but I stripped right down like it was my job, jumped on the bench, and spread em wide. All while sayin, "take it all off" (what was I thinkin).

Now the fun begins....Lisa spreads the wax on my bikini line and lays the first strip while talking about how she could tell I shave....RIIIIIIIP. I immediately think, WOW this isn't bad at all! Boy was I wrong...she continues searchin and rippin through my lady bits, layer after layer. I keep thinkin to myself, why the hell is she not wearin gloves. Call me immature, but how damn nasty it must be to touch a strangers Hernany with bare hands! Then after a majority of the rips she continually is showin me the damn hairy strip sayin, "it hurt so bad cause 3 hairs in one, next time not hurt so bad." Then she'd show me another, "look how many hairs in that one." Yea Lisa, thanks, not interested! Once she had finished mowin half of my snicker doodle she rubs it and says, "so soft, feel how soft." I shook my head and said, "yea, looks great." She yelped, "NOOO, feel!" She proceeded to grab my damn hand and rub it up and down on the bare spot. WTF Lisa! I get it...smooth...you're a pro, but was that necessary? The second half was a lot more painful because I was gettin really sore from the constant rippin of flesh and hair. So, just when I think she is finished she whips out the damn tweezers. She starts tweezin the lady bits! WTF, who the hell thought of that?!?!? Not to mention I am sore as hell so every little hair she tweezes feels like someone is rippin knives out of my cootie.

So experience over, right...WRONG again! She has me turn on my side. So, I roll over facing her. She says, "other way." So I roll over facin the wall, away from Lisa. At this point I am thinkin she is gonna have me scissor kick up to reach some hidden hairs....well these hairs were hidden alright. She takes her bare hands and spreads my damn butt cheeks and waxes away. That's right ladies and gents, this may be TMI, but she waxed my damn B-Hole! I didn't even get a warnin! I didn't even get asked if I wanted it, how violatin. And people have the audacity to question me when I say I don't like surprises.

So now I am done, bare as the day I was born. Talk about a sobering experience, no Alcoholics Anonymous classes needed, just take them to get waxed. I walked out to see Harriet with this huge smile on her face. I said, "Girl, you didn't mention them waxin the garbage disposal." She said, "I know, I figured it'd be better if you didn't know that minor detail." HA...Minor my arse...literally!

I was sore all of the next day. It felt like I had a damn sunburn. Plus, I developed a wax burn from my flesh bein ripped off. Some would think I was crazy, but I will definitely be givin Lisa a shout out in 2 weeks. Supposedly if you keep up with it, it lasts 6-8!

Lesson Of The Day: Use Bikini Zone cream (can be found at Target)...your shave bumps disappear immediately!

Hatin on Motherly Emails

2009-12-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

Holla to all you haters out there, it's your girl Harlem. I know you bout had a damn heart attack because today is my second day in a row bloggin, that hasn't happened for weeks! Ok, so here's the dealio....my non boy toy, boy toy is/was in town for a Thanksgiving rendezvous and my ma knew this and decided to send me a lil "reminder" email (see below).

SUBJECT: Happy Turkey Day
"Nothing is 100% safe from STDs and pregnancy. Love You, Mom"

Of course this pisses your girl Harl off for many reasons, see my response email below.

SUBJECT: RE: Happy Turkey Day

"Happy Thanksgivin Ma
1. FYI, Abstinence is 100% safe from STDs and Pregnancy.
2. I am 25 and have been through so many required sex education classes throughout my whole life that I am pretty much an expert on sexual precautions.
3. I don't know why you are discriminatin against me for not being married. That being said, I have CC'ed Malika (my married sis) on this email so she can be informed of this information as well.

Love You,
Harlem

P.S. I'm Pregnant, congrats grandma!"

Lesson Of The Day: Of course it is not fun to wear a raincoat when it's sunny outside, but it's a valid precaution to take in case of a sudden downpour. Oh and your girl does NOT have a bun in this oven!

Hatin on Everything

2009-11-30T09:51:00.000-08:00

Hello to all my beautiful followers/visitors...I know it seems odd that your girl Harlem would be in such a good mood, but don't let my greeting fool you. Today I am hatin on everything! Is that even possible??? Everything and everyone are pissin me off. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and clearly I am stayin there. How do you get over a day like today? How do you get rid of anger that has been festering inside for days, weeks, months, years? I spoke to my sista this mornin and that helped for a total of 5 minutes. WTF, a 5 minute release? I swear I am gaining wrinkles by the second, which is an additional reason to be pissed. How could one person want so many things, and work hard at getting them and still feel like none are coming true? I'd like to think a vacation is all that is needed, but I just got back from three days off! I also wish I was in the Christmas spirit this year, but for some reason that is even depressing me today. Could someone please provide a solution before I lose my damn mind, or at least provide me with a stiff cocktail!

Lesson Of The Day: Find an outlet for your anger...like kick boxing...

Hatin on Birds

2009-11-26T13:09:00.000-08:00

I am totally hatin on Thanksgivin. First of all, who really likes turkey that much???? Definitely not your girl Harl. I still have it for the "tradition" aspect of Thanksgiving, but it's a pain in the arse. You spend days/hours thawin the damn thing just so it can get its raw juice all over the damn kitchen. This alone sucks for an OCD cleaner like myself. I made sure not to get the turkey that you had to gut or deal with bones, because that would make me lose my damn appetite. So I have this little breast which still takes over an hour to cook and you still have leftovers for days. Just what I need, leftovers of something I eat on sandwiches year round.

The only good thing about this holiday is it reminds me to eat Stove Top Stuffin which I loooooove. Just give me a bowl of that and I'm happy!

Lesson Of The Day: Go out to eat, cookin sucks!

Hatin On Freddy

2009-11-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

Hey strangers, it's your girl Harlem....remember me? Today I am hatin on Freddy. Who is Freddy you ask...my desktop computer. I've had this old chap for the past 6 years. An ex lame-ass of mine built him from scratch and at one time he was youthful and energetic. Fast forward 6 years....DAMN YOU FREDDY! How the hell am I supposed to keep up with this blog if he keeps movin at the speed of snail? Below are Freddy's current ailments:

1. When booting up it takes 30 minutes total. If you open any program, or try to even IM someone before that time is up, he freezes. (he's very stubborn)

2. Since it takes so long to restart Freddy, I leave him on. If you leave him on for more then 3 days straight he decides to freeze which requires a hard shut down, resulting in another 30 minute boot up.

3. When skyping/video chatting with my long distance lover Freddy refuses to let you listen to music or go on the internet at the same time. (what a brat!)

4. Freddy refuses to burn CD's using iTunes.

5. When running Mozilla, AIM, and iTunes he decides that's overload and says that 99% of the CPU is in use?!?!? This leads to snail speeds as well as the occasional frozen tantrums.

6. His front tower door is broken off and constantly falls to the floor. (thanks a lot moving company)

With all that being said I think I might have to break down and buy a new companion. Unfortunately that's not that easy with the amount of pay I get from cleanin damn grease pits. Maybe I can video tape myself and get paid to be on Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe, and then I could afford a laptop. Hell, Mike Rowe and I might even get married and then he could just buy me one.

Since this is an emergency, maybe I will go this weekend and buy a cheap netbook. Regardless, Freddy has been around longer then most friends so I cannot just throw him in the dumpster because he's old. Would you throw your grandfather in the dumpster? At least I can still watch DVDs on him!!!

Lesson Of The Day: Computers are like family, everyone deserves a second chance.

Hatin on Tunes

2009-11-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

Holla to all my loyal subjects....I am hatin on iTunes today....majorly! Christmas time last year, or for those of you who believe "Christ" should be taken out of Christmas...then I will refer to it as....Mas?!?!? hahah kidding, your girl Harl changes for nobody! Anyways, last December I was lucky enough to receive a purp ipod nano. The deal was it came with a speaker dock and $15 gift card to itunes. So what'd your girl do...that's right bitches, I bought some tunes. I transferred them onto my pod and was all good to go, but since I was usin my mama's laptop I decided to burn them to a CD so I would have a physical copy. That alone is what also makes itunes suck because you never have a physical item so you still have to back up to CD...LAME! For some reason her laptop wouldn't burn them to CD through Ltunes (lame tunes), so needless to say the only copy I have is on my poddy.

Upon arriving home from Xmas vacay I tried to transfer them from my purple vixen to my computer Freddy (who as some would say is old and lacking, but just because he's old doesn't mean we should lay him to rest). Of course I am smarter then itunes because that idea was brilliant, but wouldn't work because they weren't the "original" items. Now I only have them on the pod and cannot even convert them for my Sansa Clip to take to the park. You see peeps I am very particular about electronics. I would never want anything to happen to my sacred pod, so I bought a $30 Sansa Clip a while ago to take to the park, but it only supports mp3's.

This is where your girl becomes lame herself....I spent more money on itunes songs because I only wanted a song here and a song there, not full CDs. You would've thought I had learned my lesson the first time around. Needless to say I am having the same problem where I obviously can't get them on my magenta pink, awesome, sansa clip or burn them to CD. WTF itunes!!! If I would've just bought all of these in CD format first I would've been able to get them on any music player I wanted. Listen iTunes...F bootleggin to other gangsters because CDs you can burn for anyone you want. Someone please kick your girl Harl in the arse next time she goes on a shopping spree on Lame-Tunes.

Lesson Of The Day: Buy the book iTunes for Dummies, because clearly I have no knowledge in this type of program!

Hatin On Honkin

2009-11-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

Ya'll I hate Honkers. These are the people that find it necessary to honk at someone the very millisecond the light turns green. I saw someone today make a left turn in front of another car, the other car was far away and that Mo Fo still honked when he got near the intersection. WTF DB, the guy turned when you were 1,000 feet away. It's like those people who talk just to hear their own voice....they honk just to be heard. Just a warning, if you honk at your girl Harlem, don't be surprised when I get out my damn car and beat yours with a baseball bat.

Serious story here....One time, my dad and his friend where driving and his friend honked at a car in front of them. When they pulled up to a stop light the guy reached under his seat, pulled out a gun, and pointed it directly at my dad and his friend....they sped off, probably through the red light.

Lesson of the Day: Be careful when honking at others, you never know how severe their road rage is!

Hatin on Coffee

2009-11-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

In the morning my mind is completely clouded and occupied with thoughts of coffee. I swear it has crack in it, because I would sell my body for some mocha goodness. I am all good on the weekends because I don't like Starbucks and that is the only shop near my house. On Monday through Friday is when the beast in me comes out. It's called Tully's, or as I like to call it....heaven! This is the hidden gem that consumes my thoughts and fantasies.

The reason I am hatin on my slice of heaven is because I am tryin to be healthy ya'll. I am sooo good, except for that damn Mocha and Whip Cream that lays on a bed of ice. WTF?!?!? I decided your girl Harlem cannot quit cold turkey. Since there are no iced mocha patches and the doctors refuse to put me in a coma, I have decided to slowly wean myself off of this drug. I used to get a grande, then veinte, and today was my first day getting a tall...which is a small! I got non fat milk so that I could try and counteract some of the calories from the whip cream. Needless to say, your girl will be spending her night ridin the enemy....the treadmill.

Lesson of the Day: Start smokin, at least they provide nicotene patches/gum to quit that habit.

Hatin On Exercise

2009-11-09T11:45:00.001-08:00

OMG ya'll, I am totes hatin on exercisin. Your girl Harlem is tryin to get her arse back in shape and it is NOT pretty. After you work a full day scrubbin damn grease pits, how you gonna have the energy to crawl onto a treadmill? I need a damn wheel chair to get me across Mc D's parkin lot at the end of the day because I am completely exhausted. Not to mention the damn runnin machine tried to kill me. Your girl was takin a lil walky walk when all of a sudden the damn thing jolted and your girl went flyin off. The gangstas in the apartment below me thought there was an earthquake when I hit the floor and the whole damn building shook.

Another thing I hate about exercisin is the sweat. I swear California would be the wettest state if I lived there, just from the gallons of sweat that leaks off me in a 2 minute period. They even have those treadi's that have fans on the front. Those things cost my entire life savings and then they only blow ya damn face. They need to invent a full body fan treadmill; I think I might patent that idea. Or a treadmill with air conditioning, like a lil runnin cocoon.

Also, why does running have to be so expensive? I have knee problems, so I have to buy actual running shoes which are close to a hundie. I hate goin to gyms...they should be called meat markets. All the guys are either sizin up the chicks, or checkin themselves out in the mirrors.....news flash, you ain't all that beef head! All the hoes go in there half naked with full make up and their damn hair did. WTF?!?!?! Beyotch, this ain't a beauty pageant. Whatever happened to the normal people...oh yea....they had to spend hundreds of dollars on a damn treadmill cause ya'll make it uncomfortable for them to work out.

Lesson of the Day: In order to gain motivation to workout, make sure to dangle french fries/cheesy tots in front of ya damn treadie...I guarantee you will run your arse off!

Hatin on Bagels/Jury Duty rant continued....

2009-11-06T09:43:00.001-08:00

Yo beyotches, it's your girl Harlem here. I have a quick lil hatin to do on some damn bagels and then I received some haterade at jury duty that I need to puke back up for ya'll.

First off, I have a love/hate relationship with onion and garlic bagels. Those damn lil bread doughnuts taste sooo amazing, that's where the love comes in. Now for the hate! When eating them the smell fumigates your surroundings. Your hands smell like it for hours, as well as your breath! Not to mention that upon toasting, all of the little onion/garlic bits fall off the bagel and get all up on your furniture. Then your furniture contains the smell. WTF?!?!? Is it really worth all the stank for that small moment of pleasure? Hell to the yea!

Now for my jury duty story. I got picked for a panel where you have to go through and answer questions out loud in front of everyone. Of course these questions pertain to the case and many of them can be slightly offensive to some people if you show any sort of bias. The problem is everyone has some sort of bias, even the damn judge announced that before the questioning. Of course when going around to everyone you get those weak bitches that say, "I'll TRY to not let it effect my judgment", "I HOPE it won't effect my decision", or they pause for 15 minutes and then answer "it will NOT effect my decision". So they get to your girl Harlem and I said, "It will DEFINITELY effect my decision". Everyone looked at me like I had the damn plague. You crazy fools, saying things like "I hope", "I'll try", and pausing for 15 minutes before answering no is essentially saying "Definitely"! These are yes and no questions grow some damn berries and answer honestly!

So after the initial round of questions the attorneys get to stand up and ask anyone they want more questions. This damn defense attorney stood up and reamed your girl Harlem out for answering "definitely". I could tell he was tryin to make me cry, but that doesn't work on your girl. I just get pissed and throw some major tudeage arrows at the Douche. He kept saying the law is that you have to vote not guilty if the prosecution doesn't prove their case. Then he asked if I would break the law and still say guilty. I said, "I haven't heard your side of the argument, but there is a possibility I would break the law." Then Dick McGee said, "So you would break the law." I said, "Fool, clean out the damn wax in your ears....YES, there is a possibility." There is a possibility that anyone would let their emotions get in the way, especially when you're referring to attempted murder. He should've yelled at the damn people that said "I'll Try". Plus, what the hell is he chewin me out for, I'm not on trial. He already knew he didn't want me, so why waste your damn breath!

After we battled back and forth and threw some punches it was over....until....the judge called me up to "sidebar". So I went over there to her and Dicky. She asked me the same questions he just did, but very nicely. Of course I answered the same way and then he got to ask me again so they could record me....AGAIN, I answered the same way. What the hell are you wastin time on askin me the same damn question 25 1/2 times? Needless to say, I was dismissed, but not before I threw a couple dirty looks at the convict who had been in the room the whole time! I'm surprised he didn't get whiplash because he looked at me and looked away faster then anyone ever has before.

Lesson Of The Day: Never mess with your girl Harlem because I DO NOT back down.

Hatin On Day 2

2009-11-03T10:13:00.000-08:00

OMG ya'll, your girl Harlem is all up in this damn courthouse again....day 2...jury duty...nuff said.

Lesson Of The Day: No cell phones in court.

Hatin On The Duty

2009-11-02T10:19:00.000-08:00

Damnnnn Ganstas today I am totes hatin on jury duty. I am stuck all up in this small arse room with a bunch of coke addicts. Not to mention during orientation they say be respectful to those surrounding you and step out of the room to talk on the phone. Clearly this beyotch next to me missed that section cause she has been on the phone non stop. Bitch nobody wants to hear your damn business in english or spanish. She also has some slushy thing which she didn't offer to me, but continues to LOUDLY slurp it like a damn cave woman. WTF people?!?

Unfortunately for me I sold my laptop cause I am sittin here on a damn blackberry tippa tappin away, so please excuse the misspellings/grammatical errors...which I'm sure you've seen from your girl Harlem before.

So, on anotyer note I did orientation online so I could show up 2 hours later instead of the ass crack of dawn. the video was such a joke. They said you have to dress business casual. Clearly they don't know your girl works at Mc D's cause I don't own no damn business casual clothes and I sure as hell am not gonna waste money on them for jury duty. Also, why did the orientation video say that you would be "fortunate" to b e a juror, like it's some secret society. I would prefer not to join thank you very much.

Lesson Of The Day: Do not get a state drivers license or fill out voter registration, then you can prevent coming to this disease ridden hell hole!

Hatin On Cocks

2009-10-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

April Fools!!! Gotchya.....wait, is it April? I am actually rippin on cockroaches today! GOSH talk about baby mills, cockroaches sure do know how to put out.

I hate livin in an apartment building! Even if it is the nicest, most expensive place on the planet you will get roaches. It all comes from one dirty Mo that decided not to clean the kitchen. Those roaches can smell food from planets away. Then the tricky lil bastards creep right through the damn walls into my clean apartment. My poor Doogie got bombarded by a roach army one time just because he was a little slow eating his Moist and Meaty Beef. Next thing I know I see one on the wall and look behind my desk (by his cage) and there is hundreds of babies!!!! Talk about freaking out. I ran around my room screaming and flailing my arms like a crazy person (which my non-boy toy, boy toy frequently calls me). You see I live alone, so clearly it must've looked and sounded awfully peculiar to my neighbors. Anyways, I moved Doogie and sprayed the livin shiz outta that corner. I placed motels all throughout my apartment as well as sprayed indoor bug spray all around the baseboards. Needless to say, I slept with the lights on in my bedroom at night for a whole week because every time I fell asleep I literally had dreams of cockroaches falling from the ceiling onto my head.

So now I spray indoor bug spray around my baseboards once every 2-3 months (even though it's supposed to last 9), I continually put new vacation spots (roach motels) out for my visitors, as well as have a hand vac for any extra food Doogie leaves behind. Sometimes I think he misses his new friends when momma is at work.

Lesson Of The Day: Become an exterminator...they probably make millions in apartment buildings.

Hatin on Emergen-C

2009-10-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone at work is sick, What The Fig Newton!?! Your girl Harlem has a very excitin weekend ahead and cannot afford to catch the creep-n-crud. I figure antibacterial hand sanitizer is not enough to fight off the germs, especially when I woke up on Monday with a tightness in my throat. All day at work I was freakin out and one of my home girls, Stefania, suggested a Cold-Eez drop...UMMMMM hell to the no. I will never eat one of those devil drops again! It's poison, I swear! That thing tasted like a watered down cough drop and then as an added bonus it left this film in my mouth like I had just smoked a whole pack of cigs. Not to mention my chick nugs and coke tasted stank after!

That being said my home girl then offered up some Emergen-C on Tuesday. I took one pack in the mornin and one at night. That shiz isn't much better. It tastes like watered down kool-aid that someone put a pack of salt in, mixed with some Alka Seltzer. Plus, it has 25 calories...I'd rather waste those on a damn Jolly Rancher. Since this little minx can't afford to get sick, I have decided to continue the Emergen-C regimen today, but you can bet your cute arse that I will be bitchin about it the whole day. This better work or I will be sendin someone to hell and they won't be roastin weenies.

Lesson Of The Day: If you're sick, DO NOT come infect me at work.

Hatin On Nerves

2009-10-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Ya'll I hate my damn nerves! I get so nervous about everything, what the hell is wrong with me! Normally when my nerves take over my body I just eat....A LOT...that's my form of exorcism. Well not lately! There are hundreds of damn cocoons all up in my stomach and they are hatchin some huge butterflies. I take Pepto, Maalox, and Alka Seltzer. I can't even eat because I feel so nauseous...and NO I am not pregnant....no man is lucky enough to unlock this chastity belt! Normally when I am nervous I gain 15 pounds as well as a cold sore right on my damn lip, which then causes the "herpes" jokes to come out in full force....ignorant humans. As I still get the cold sore which I blame on my parents since it is a hereditary miss fortune, the only good thing is I can't eat a damn thing so I am wasting away into an emaciated gravesite (a little exaggerated I am sure).

Lesson Of The Day: Find the cause of your anxiety and banish it forever.

Hatin on Baby Mills

2009-10-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Have ya'll ever heard of that damn show 19 Kids and Counting? It's about the Duggar family who has 18 kids and 1 on the way due in March 2010. In case you can't add...that makes for a whoppin 19 kids! That sounds like a damn baby mill to me. If you can't breed that many damn puppies, then how is it ok to have that many children? Everyone disses on the Octomom because she is single and has 14 kids through In Vitro, I don't see a difference. Yea big whoop that the Duggar family has a mother and father that produced the babies on their own, it's still 19 kids! The only reason they can even afford them is because of their television show which is using their kids for promotional purposes. I don't get what the fascination is with collecting children, other then to have them do your house chores...if that's the case, then I will borrow some from your litter to do the vacuuming. It started with John and Kate Plus Eight, then 18 (now 19) kids and counting, and around the same time the Octomom hit big. What's next, we're going to start seeing kids for sale in the classifieds under "pets"? Even Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are starting their own herd. What are The Duggars, John and Kate, and Octomom going to do once their 15 minutes of fame runs out? They are going to be using our tax money to support their gang of misfits. No wonder there are so many bratty children in the world...who has time for them when you have 18 other little ruggies (a.k.a rugrats) runnin around. I'd want attention to if I were them, it's not their fault.

I see children come into Mc D's all the time laying on the dirty ass floor kickin and screamin because they didn't get the damn toy they wanted in their damn happy meal. So instead of picking them up and disciplining the kid right then and there, the parents ignore them and let other hungry customers step over them. Then, when someone trips and falls over your little monster, you proceed to yell at that innocent bystander. What ever happened to a good old fashioned arse whoopin? Didn't hurt me or my brosky, only happened twice and we learned.

I was at CVS the other day and 5 children were playin tag in the damn store! WTF?!?!?! I swear if you run into your girl Harlem I will yell at you, and that's exactly what happened. The mom and dad were standing right next to me in the makeup aisle when the little monkeys came by and ran straight into me. I looked at them and firmly said, "This is a public place, not a damn playground. You need to learn some manners before you run into someone else." The parents FINALLY grabbed them and made them stand by their side...now was that so hard?!?!?

I know some of you defensive parents are goin to get your panties in a bunch about this. I know children have bad days where they scream and cry, but when you are in public just try to keep them in control. You wouldn't let your dog go ape shit on some innocent bystander, so don't let your kids.

Lesson of The Day: It's Called BIRTH CONTROL people!

Hatin On Shavin

2009-10-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Let me just tell you that girls have it way worse then guys. As if pregnancy isn't painful enough, we were granted the privilege of shaving! I know Eve ate the apple first, but Adam, like most men, followed her lead and ate it second...so shouldn't the man have some consequences as well?

Women have to shave their legs, arm pits, chin and lip if hair sprouts, as well as wax the eyebrows, and even shave their damn snickerdoodle! Some women even shave their arms and stomachs!!! What The Fig Newton??? Shavin sucks! It takes time and energy. You also can develop a shaving rash which leads to gettin certain regions waxed! HELLOOOOOO, talk about painful! Why does hair grow back so quickly? Little hair crops start growin in two days, then it starts to itch! My future boyfriend better pay me for shavin because it's a full time job!

You know what would make me jazzercised....if the man had to shave more then just his damn face! He doesn't even have to shave that and he's still considered ruggedly handsome. If a woman doesn't shave she's considered gross or dirty. Guys don't even keep up with shaving the small region of their face. They let it grow in and then the woman has to suffer AGAIN. DUDE....when your facial hair sprouts and we kiss you it causes our lips, chin, and nose to become chapped which then flakes like a damn sunburn. If I have to keep it up, surely you can take 5 mins to shave your damn face regularly!

Lesson Of The Day: Move to France where women are au naturel.

Hatin on Dogs

2009-10-21T20:20:00.001-07:00

What up beyotches? I realized I didn't post today, so this is gonna be a quicky.

My non-boy toy, boy toy is in trouble due to an incident on Monday. He's not in the dog house ya'll, but I sent him straight to the pound!

Lesson Of The Day: You better be kissin some major bootay to get back into Harlem's good graces! Who's Mr. Awesome now biznatchy!

Hatin On Flights

2009-10-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

What's up gangstas and gangstettes, it’s your girl Harlem, if you even remember who I am. As you can tell I have not posted since Thursday, WTT you ask (What The Tuna)?!?!? Well I have been on a slight vacay if you wanna call it that, which leads to today’s post....I am Hatin on Flights! For some reason I have been all into listing the reasons I hate things, so today I am keeping that tradish alive, see below.

1. You literally have to sell your soul to the devil because flights cost a milly. Not to mention if you want to bring a traveling buddy along like my lil doogie gangsta. To take a dog on a flight it costs almost as much as a full roundtrip ticket. The problem is Doogie doesn't get his own seat; he has to sit in a bag under the damn seat. WTT, you wouldn't put your son under the seat...or would you?

2. The loading of the bird - This is horrible. You load by zone/seat section. First of all, they tell you two small carry-ons...how come there are always a milly Mo's that carry on two full suitcases a piece. So then the people like me who follow the rules have to jam their small carryon in a tight space so that all my valuables are squished/break. Why do you think your shiz is more important than mine? Plus, when you carry on large items like that, you are juggling them in a small aisle like the rest of us, but instead of it taking you 5 mins to store your items, you are in the aisle for a damn hour jugglin your junk.

This guy had his jacket and his ladies jacket as well as a plastic bag in an overhead bin. I put my normal carry on sized bag in front of his small items because there was literally nowhere else to put my bag. He looks at me and says, "You just squished my stuff." I politely said sorry, but your girl Harlem wanted to say, "Why you lookin at me like a damn fool. I know I squished your shiz, but would you rather I store my bag on your damn head?"

3. The seats are so damn small. Even if you are anorexic you still get all up in people's grill. Whether it's the slight elbow when grabbing a drink from the flight attendants, or in my instance when I fall asleep and continually jump a foot in the air every three minutes. That shakes the damn seats. I wonder what I dream about on planes that makes me a damn Mexican Jumping Bean.

4. Layovers - Are these not the worst? Either you are stressing that you are going to miss your connecting, or you are bored as hell with a 4 hour lay over.

5. Eating - Forget being healthy while traveling. The airplanes don't give free food anymore, who wants to pay 50.00 for a stank ass sammy? So to preoccupy you in a layover, or even while you are on the flight you HAVE to buy snacks. I'm talkin Doritos, chocolate, Fast Food, and of course Antacid for the damn indigestion from the junk food and the nervous feeling that this plane could go down any second!

6. Getting off the plane - Getting off the plane is the worst. You have those people that run all the way from the back to the front like there's a damn fire. What is up with that? It just makes me want to stick my foot out and trip them just so I can say "Slow Your Roll Beyotch"!

I was getting off a flight one time and one of the people that pushed passed me was this homeless lady I always see on the road on my way to work. How the hell did she have enough money to be on that flight, and why was she coming from New York? I know for a fact it was her because I see this chick every day askin for money. If you make that much money being homeless, then sign me up. I don't even have to interview for that job.

I was going to hate on security lines as well, but luckily enough for me security went really quickly and really smoothly. Why can't it always be like that?!?!

The one thing I love about airports is watching people arrive. Their loved ones always look so happy. Many people start crying. I must say, for the most part...you usually feel loved upon arrival. You most likely will feel sad upon departure.

*Side Note*: My homie http://diaryofamadbathroom.blogspot.com/ gave me an award, but I have been unable to pick it up because I am still trying to figure out this whole HTML bullshiz, why does it have to be so complicated. It's literally another language! I definitely appreciate it and hope to figure it out soon!!!

Today's Lesson: Make sure you have a stiff cocktail before attempting travel by plane.

Hatin on Today

2009-10-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

I am totes hatin on today, Wednesday 10/15/2009. Don't get me wrong, the day could be much worse. I am basically just using this as an outlet to vent, so I will hate on me for being a brat. Here is the breakdown of today like you care, cause I wouldn't if I were you honestly.

1. Woke up 10 minutes before leaving for work. I hit the damn snooze button and I always feel for the Braille dots....well, the damn Braille dots are on the sleep button too unfortunately, which turns off your alarm.

2. I had to rush to Mc D's, which I hate rushin anywhere unless it's after an ice cream truck. So I am wearing a sweatshirt, an uncombed rat’s nest on my damn head, and no make up. Your girl looks like Courtney Love on crack. The only good thing about my looks today is I can give the drive thru customers quite a fright! Halloween has come early my friends.

3. I left my ears (a.k.a headphones) at home so I can't listen to my pod, and I have a headache...nuff said.

4. My non-boy toy, boy toy and I are havin some miscommunications. Poor sap has Harlem Fever and unfortunately there is no cure.

5. I have had this constant nervous/anxiety feeling in my stomach all week and I can't seem to find any drugs strong enough for it. If you could OD on pepto and antacid tabs, I am sure I would be dead.

6. I slipped in a grease puddle at work and hurt my damn arse. There is a lot of junk in this trunk so you know I must've hit hard. I swear Mc D's thought there was an earthquake cause the whole damn building shook.

That's it for now; I imagine the day should get better before worse????

Lesson For The Day: Do not take any advice from me on 10/15/09 as I have proven to be a bad luck charm.

Hatin on MC

2009-10-13T11:35:00.001-07:00

I am totally Hatin on MC (aka Mariah Carey). First of all, isn't the beyotch 70? I swear I used to listen to her when I was in the womb. I hate the way she walks around like she is this huge super star. This Heifer hasn't had a good album since her #1's album which was released in 1998. That brings me to another point....since she can't release any good new music, she has released over 5 greatest hits albums which all include her old songs. In order to fool people she switches up the titles from "Greatest Hits" to things like "Ballads", "Remixes", and "#1's". Give it a rest granny; you are washed up like Madonna in a rain storm. I don't even know why radio stations are still playin her music, I always switch to CD's when it comes on. She even married that Wack Ass actor named Nick Cannon. Girl you robbed the freakin cradle on that one and all you got was a gig on America's Got Talent, which you lip synched by the way. Her new album did so horrible that she is re-releasing it. Give it a rest; no one is goin to buy it the second time around. All the people who bought it the first time are tone deaf.

Lesson Of the Day: If you wanna check out some good music, new and old, check out http://lyricallylovelylife.blogspot.com This blog is dope. It has awesome pictures that correspond with song lyrics. Then this pimp even added the music file underneath so you could hear the full song...GENIUS!

Hatin on Mon

2009-10-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

No, "Mon" is not a misspelling and I am not about to speak Jamaican, "ey dere Mon". Mon is for Monday. I am totally hatin on Mondays. I feel so lazy that I couldn't even spell the whole word in the damn title! It doesn't matter how much R&R I get on the weekends, Mondays are never any easier. I also feel like all the Mo's (a.k.a Morons) come out on Mondays. I think it's their party day in order to make your life hell. Driving to work I got cut off by an infamous MO who then proceeded to drive 20 in a 60. Upon arriving to work I shivered all the way to the coffee shop a block away, cause you know your girl Harlem doesn't drink the shiz at Mc D's. Then I got spoiled by this dude that always discounts me a dollar cause he wasn't at the register....so being the brat that I am, I was peeved I had to pay full price. At work more Mo's continue to ask me stupid questions. For example, when do you serve lunch? WTF, beyotch it is 9am and you be thinkin about lunch??? Did I mention the fact that my stomach is on fire and I've been inhaling Maalox and Bismuth tablets as if I was a heroine addict? Can you OD on Pepto tablets and Maalox? If so, I will most likely pass out at any secfhjdhlkjkjshdgkjh.

Oops, sorry about the gibberish, my head landed on my keyboard and I woke up to drool all over the j-k region. I don't even feel like bloggin this Mon, as I am sure you can tell from this some what lacking post. Oh, and did I mention I was having a bad hair day(see pict)?

Lesson of the Day: Even coffee doesn't help a Mon!

Hatin on Boob Jigglin

2009-10-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

Why do guys like to boob jiggle? I know they don't contain a pair of their own, but do they actually think girls like it? I have not experienced this first hand, but I have seen many movies and many guys in public that resort to boob jigglin. How would they feel if girls started ball jigglin??? There are so many ways to ball jiggle, see below:

1. You can bat them back and forth like a pendulum.

2. You can bat them up like a paddle ball (see picture above. Paddle being hand, ball being...well...)

3. You can tickle them like an arm pit.

4. You can juggle them up and down, while making the sound effect "dink, dink, dink, dink".

5. You can bat them in circles like throwing a pizza pie.

Now you tell me boys....does that sound like fun? But it should be ok because us girls don't have a pair of our own!!!

Today's LIFETIME Lesson: Stop the boob jigglin now! Women, if you come across this sort of human, please retaliate immediately.

Hatin on Peanut Crushers

2009-10-08T09:34:00.001-07:00

Believe it or not, the following is a true story. Your girl Harlem was on a date recently....to play mini golf. Let me give you a visual of this guy....he was tall, fat, glasses, and crooked rat teeth. Basically, my definition of a nasty nast. Some of you may think I am being mean and judgmental, but if you want a visual picture, then that is exactly how he looks. As I am sure you are aware, this was a blind date. Not only did he look like a sewer rat, but he stunk like one too. Poor fellow had ate some garbage because he consistently had to go to the bathroom and not for a coke fix if you know what I mean. The bathroom odors lingered onto the putt putt range and unfortunately I wasn't advised to bring my gas mask. The whole date, every time I got the damn ball into that damn little hole he would rub my back and get right in my face telling me how good I was. He must've been blind as a damn bat cause I swear it always took me at least five shots to get it in. He had no idea of personal boundaries at all and his rat teeth kept gnawing near my face. If that wasn't bad enough he got a bag of peanuts for us as a snack. He would crush them in his damn hands and turn the shell to powder and then hold out his hand for me to pick the nuts out. Ummmm, I know you think you are being a gentleman, but have you ever heard of swine flu, or E. coli??? GROSS! Get your damn hand out of my face fool! Unfortunately, I have some manners and took a couple nutty nuts that way and then insisted I was full. To top it all off, I had to pay...WHAT THE FRIG???? At the end of the night, he gave me this huge hug while violently shaking my body....I felt like I was in a damn earthquake. Of course he wanted to go get drinks, but your girl Harlem is way smarter then that. I couldn't stand another minute with Creepenstein. I would dig my own grave and lay in it.

Today's Lesson: NEVER let your friends convince you to go on a blind date with someone they've never even met.

Hatin on Squirrels

2009-10-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

OMG ya'll. I was gettin my walkie walk on at the park today; you know just kicken back and enjoyin the polluted air. Next thing I know I was surrounded by mangy lookin rats with big tails...translation...squirrels. Ok, so there were only two, but they were barkin at me. They started staring with their tails held high and makin this god awful noise! Your girl Harlem took off runnin. Last time I ran that fast was when I was chasin the damn pizza delivery man. I saw one near my crib a few hours later and about had a damn heart attack. I've come to the realization that I have squirrel-a-phobia!

Today's Lesson: Do NOT Feed, Look, or Pet the squirrels. They will attack you!

Hatin on Webs

2009-10-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

Yo gangstas! Your girl Harlem had a lil surprise waitin for her this mornin. I was on my way to my damn car while searchin through my damn Mary Poppins Purse (uber deep and jam packed with fun).....that's when it happened....the surprise. I felt this huge sticky mess all up on me....NOOOO, it's not what you are thinkin! I couldn't get it off, I was pullin, screamin, and scratchin the hell outta my damn skin. You guessed it...I walked right into a HUGE, GRANDE for my espanol folk, spider web. Now the only problem I have is tryin to find that damn spider that you know is all up in my grill. Good thing no one was around, cause I looked like I was goin through a damn exorcism. Dudes and dudettes…I totally be hatin on spiders/webs big time ya’ll!

Lesson For The Day: When traveling through a spider web, make a note of the spiders’ location.

Hatin on More To Love

2009-10-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

Did anyone besides your girl Harlem watch More To Love? I am totes hatin on that show. Yes, I did watch the whole season to give some support for my big boned sistas, but was unhappy with a few aspects.

1. As great as it is to have a "Bachelor" type show for normal people, I don't like the way they jumped to extremes. They went from super hot, in shape, model-esque people to extremely overweight people. What happened to everyone in between? There are some of us out there that aren't 100lbs or 275+lbs. Is there any reality show out there about average people? We want love, or at least a good roll in the hay.

2. This show was definitely set up, because as Luke always seemed into Malissa...where did Tali come from? That chick was nowhere in site. As she was always completely dopey for him, he didn't catch the Tali fever until the last 3 or so episodes. What happened with Heather? She was the front runner, and then he completely voted her out all of a sudden. I cannot believe he chose Tali!!! He must be hoping for a season 2 where he can start over just like those wack jobs on the MTV shows (i.e. I Love New York, Flava Flav, Real Chance, etc.).

3. This should've been a show empowering heavy people to accept who they are. Instead it just made us feel worse about ourselves. It continuously showed these beauties crying about how they've been mistreated because of their weight. In one sentence they would claim how happy they were with themselves and then start crying about how they couldn't get a man. This was completely heartbreaking and in a way gave society more reasons to make fun of them.

Lesson Of The Day: Average women need some air time...Lets cast a show for 140-170lb. beauties. Please, no more shows about models, rich snots, or our favorite felines...the cougar!

Hatin on LC

2009-10-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

I am totes rippin on Lauren Conrad (or LC as she likes to be called). This beyotch became famous when she was on that little show called Laguna Beach. Since day one she has been a whiney, conceited slut. Always complaining about Kristin Cavallari being mean to her, but honestly the bitch deserved it. She walks around like she has a stick up her arse. She went on to a show called The Hills. Here she met her bff Heidi Montag. Now don't get me wrong, I totally hate on Heidi and her annoying ways, but I can't believe the viewers took Lauren's side when they had that big fight over Spencer. Lame C. didn't like Spencer and gave Heidi the ultimatum to choose between their friendship and her boyfriend! Bitch please...who do you think you are....Jesus? You can't make decisions like that! So, Heidi chose Spencer. You go girl! A good friend would've said, "I don't like your boyfriend for reasons A, B, and C. I will still support you, but I wouldn't have been a good friend without telling you my concerns."

So now everyone is hatin on Heidi for choosing her jerk boyfriend over Lauren. Wake up!!! LC is NOT a good friend; Heidi shouldn't have had to choose in the first place. Then in another season of the hills, that spoiled brat makes Audrina (her new bff) choose between their friendship and her boyfriend Justin Bobby. Yea, the guy is a loser, but let Ho-drina figure it out on her own, don't make her choose. WTF?!?!?!? Lame C. must think she is President cause she is tryin to run everyone's life. Could someone remind me why this chick is famous? She started on a reality show that has been busted for being scripted!

Lauren has also tried twice to create a clothing line. The first time failing miserably by pricing ugly cotton dresses for hundreds of dollars. You can go to Forever 21/Charolette Russe and get the same dress for 15.99. Her second line of clothing is featured at Kohls. This consists of ugly material and styles for 20.00. Yes, the price in an improvement, but I do not agree with spending 20.00 on a blue, spaghetti strap tank top. Ugly and outrageous!

I think humans have lost their damn minds! Somehow Lame C's book L.A. Candy has made its way to the New York Times Best Sellers list. WTF??? Could someone pinch me because I feel like I am in a nightmare and I cannot wake up! L.A. Candy is a fictional novel about a girl that comes to LA for an internship and is approached to be on a reality show. Hmmmm sound familiar??? It's about Lauren's life, which mostly we have already seen on TV! For those of you haters out there that will say, "If you don't like her then don't watch the show, buy the clothes, or read the book." Trust me....I haven't and won't! Could society please phase this spoiled heffer out, cause I’m sick of seein her haunt my dreams??? Check out lame.com, cause Lame C's picture is on the front page!

Lesson of the day: Stop making pointless people society's idols.

Hatin on Macy

2009-10-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

So there is a lot ya'll don't know bout your girl Harlem. I worked at Macy's for two months. Sadly enough, it is not as glamorous as the perfume spritzing girls in the front make it look. This was the job from H-E-L-L!!! First of all, they required you to dress up. I guess my booty shorts and booby shirt weren't good enough. So, I watched some Life In The Fab Lane with Kimora Lee Simmons and realized I needed some "Fabulosity" up in my wardrobe. Unfortunately, I could not afford this, so I went for the simple black pants and black button up. I know what you are thinking...LORING (combination of lame and boring)!

First month of work they make it look really swell. The wardens give you a free month of not having to meet a sales goal. Everything you sell you make a small amount of commission on. The only thing that sucks at this point is the fact that the girl I work with is a major beyotch. She feels that just because she's been working there her whole life that she can go all army captain on me and harass my arse. She makes me put all of the peeps clothes back on hangers and put them all away. This results in me getting hardly any commission. Not to mention we have to get to work uber early on the mornings of new arrivals and sales. This way we can change out all the sales signs and put clothes on sales racks. All of this is done by using a laser gun.....shoot, the only gat I know how to use is my 9. Another thing you don't know is I am NOT a morning person. This beyotch starts given me tude in the mornins and I will bury her under a pile of clothes and sit on her damn face.

Second month of work they decide to hire a man to work in the Juniors department. Who was the Mo that decided that? A Man....in Juniors.....CREEPY! He was the manager since we never had one before. That fool of course did not know women’s clothing, and refused to go in the women's dressing room even when the store was closed. I had to do all the damn work. Also, they make you get a ridiculous sales goal each week. You don't make any commission until you sell more then your sales goal. If you sell $1.00 over have fun with your .10 commission!

On my last night in hell there were soooo many clothes piled on the floor in the girls dressing room, OFF hangers! Hell to the no if they think Harlem is gonna pick that shiz up yet again on her own! So what did I do???? I told that pervie man that I was goin to powder my damn nose and then I took off runnin. You got that right, I ran out the damn door so fast it makes the road runner look like a snail. To this day I still wonder how long it took him to realize I wasn't comin back.

Lesson of the day: Work at McDonalds, retail blows the big one.

Hatin on Jerks

2009-09-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Today I am totes hatin on that song "You're a Jerk" by the New Boyz...my ears are bleeding! Check out the video below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv9VKKXwVxU

First of all, I hate even puttin this shiz on my site cause I think it's advertisin them way more then they deserve! For the first 49 seconds all they say is, "You're a jerk, I know. You're a jerk, I know." OK OK...sheesh...we get it, you're jerks! At second 50 they start lamely wrapping, but you can't hear them because in the background that same annoying voice keeps repeating "jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk." It is so annoying that I want to bash my damn eardrums out just for it to stop (instead I just change the radio channel). If this qualifies to be on the radio, then I will create a demo of me repeating how awesome I am. That way I will make milly's and instead of cleanin the grease pit at Mc D's, I will be holdin concerts in the parkin lot!

These punks need to take some lessons from incredible rappers like Eminem. Whether you like the guy or not, his raps have content. They tell stories and he raps them with such emotion that you actually feel like you are watching it go down in person (check out "Beautiful" off of his new Relapse album). He is one of the few rappers today that doesn't just repeat the same line over and over and over. He doesn't steal hooks like Flo Rida does in "Right Round". Other oldies, but goodies the New Boyz need to check out are Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg...hell even the horrible Ja Rule is better then these wack ass little boys...or like they like to be called "boyz"....like the spelling makes them that much cooler????

The only thing about their video that I can give them props on is hiring their colorist. That video looks crisp, but is still lacking content just like their music.

Lesson of the Year: Do Not listen to New Boyz or any other musician like them. Lets get some creativity back on our radio waves.

A Shout Out!!!!!!

2009-09-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

Below is the link to my first shout out!!!!! Check it out below, the blog is ogdaa.blogspot.com

Knuckledraggin my life away: Another new blog

Stay tuned for a Hatin blog coming up shortly!

Hatin on Fame

2009-09-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

I am a huge hater of the new movie Fame (should've been titled Lame). I have lost 1 hour and 47 minutes of my life that I cannot get back....as well as $5.50 of my hard earned moolah. For those of you who love movies like Step Up, Center Stage, Flash Dance, etc. do not waste your time. Below are the reasons why you should not see this movie.

1. The Songs that are sung for a majority of the movie are not catchy. You will not find yourself dancing in your seat.

2. The dancing for the most part is good due to Kherington Payne (from So You Think You Can Dance), but the dancing sequences are short and aren't choreographed to good music. Plus, as much as I love my home girl KP, she cannot act.

3. The acting sucks the big one! I am talking painful!

4. Your ears will bleed when Kay Panabaker sings. She is horrible! She was like nails on a chalkboard, like Kristen Stewart in Twilight (or every movie she's ever been in...boring), like Megan Fox in an interview (retarded).

5. The "finale" dance/singing number was horrible. This is the scene that in most dance movies makes you move and groove and leave the theatre singing off key! Not in this movie. The song once again was forgettable, the dance sequence was horrible and did not even include the main dancer Kherington.

6. The infamous "Fame" song was used in the end credit roll....WTF? Wouldn't you expect this to be the finale number song? They gave it the end credit sequence?

Today's Obvious Lesson: DO NOT SEE FAME!